12 vs. 24

FIVE tiny lies my TWELVE year old self said about turning TWENTY-FOUR:

1. I grew up with blond hair...so naturally, in my mind I still had blond hair as a 24 year old...no one told me gray hair started coming as early as twenty!? Or that my once natural blond hair color would turn into a mousy ashy brown!? AND high lights cost too much & take too much time.

2. In the natural progression of the [Christian] American Dream, you're [supposed to be] swept off your feet by some hot guy with a chiseled jawline, is about 2-4 years older than you & who obviously loves Jesus...hopefully at church camp, maybe youth group or the Christian college you [are supposed to] end up at. Unfortunately, there were no marriage worthy "hot" guys in my youth group growing up, the summer I worked at church camp I was too shy/timid/self-conscious to talk to boys & by the time I ended up at a Christian college last year...I was seemingly too old or maybe missed him?!

3. My mom had three babies by 24...of course, in my 12 year old mind I would have at least one or two kids by the time I was 24. Now here I am at 24 and I haven't even kissed a boy yet?! You do the math. And I can honestly say that at this point in my life I don't even want kids (right now)...but women are SUPPOSED to want lots of babies though... riiiiight?! I absolutely LOVE other people's children.... 

4. I have LOVED Nashville, Tennessee...my entire life...I was pretty certain I would be living in a cute bungalow, on a beautiful oak tree lined street, in the historical Franklin, TN at the age of 24...for now an old rental that leaks occasionally, with room mates, in cold/hot/cool/warm/cold/bitter cold Michigan will have to do...

{side-note-extra} It still cracks me up how we view ourselves at an older age!? Because I was pretty sure when I was 12...that my 24 year old self was supposed to be a lot more fit than I actually am now...!? HELLO. Working out takes more discipline than Barbie let on...Jesus help me.

5. In natural conjunction with loving Nashville, growing up I of course loved CCM! Yep. I said it. I loved going to concerts, festivals & the dream of being a band-wife who wears cool clothes, while selling merch. With that being said, I always wanted to have a job working IN the Christian music industry. In my 12 year old mind, at 24 I would be working for some cool music company or at least in the industry working with bands and artists. Now I'm a full-time admin & part-time photographer by trade. "Work" is definetly not as exciting as I painted in my mind...

All of that to say... God has managed to fashion way cooler plans / adventures / twists / turns / travels / paths / friends for my life, than any 12 year could imagine up... thankful for that today!

here I come!

here I come Michigan. I'm moving back [what?!],

after a semester in Chicago, I'm coming back... for good!

- - -

ahh! life is funny sometimes, right!?

since arriving in Chicago, I've had a difficult time adjusting. I've been restless, confused, annoyed, unhappy and discouraged. I thought the home-sickness would go away. I thought things would get better. I thought since I was supposed to be here, it didn't matter whether or not I was happy. I thought a free education would be easier to pay for. I thought a lot of things and then realized all of my thoughts were wrong. and the longer I was here the more I couldn't see myself being here for four more years. which of course gave me a mind set of failure and disappointment. I must have failed and gotten it all wrong... if after a long process of getting here, I am having second guesses!!

I started praying out of confusion and frustration... assuming my second guessing was just my emotions talking. I began to ask/beg God to heal my restless heart, to take away my fears, to fill me with hope, give me new perspective -- because I could not become a failure or quitter.  I didn't want to entertain the idea of coming home for good. so I kept pushing the idea away. but the more I prayed the more I had peace and understanding about coming home. I realized [again] I wasn't in control and that in the end, God's plans are better than the ones I try to map out and aimlessly travel on ............ bottom line: over the last few months God has taught me a lot about myself / others / relying on Him / stepping out. I've met some amazing people, explored a new city, checked things off my bucket list, tried something new, followed God where He led me, learned a lot of patience and was of course reminded that I still don't like to do homework. I also realized instead of just being/existing in school, I could actually continue to LIVE life at the same time I am studying AND save money! crazy right?! why didn't I think of this two years ago?!

so here I go, I'm starting another adventure! in Michigan this time [or wherever God takes me next]! AND I have a lot of peace about it, but again totally not what I was expecting at all!! I'm excited and super open to whatever God has next for me. I am stoked to have the chance to be home, while still getting equipped with an education. I am also VERY thankful for everyone that believed in me and supported me with love, encouragement and prayer[s] as I made this initial move.  I was not in Chicago for a season by mistake.... God revealed things to me that I couldn't have grasped stuck at home. I am also still a firm believer in the fact that God's timing is in deed perfect :) I no longer see this as giving up or as a failed plan, rather as giving in... to whatever God wants for my life.... and being content with whatever it may be. thank you JESUS for not seeing me as a failure, instead choosing to use me in any situation I'm thrown in. life is so unplanned & not what I expected .... but a twist in a plot always makes for a better story!

lets leap [again]

hi blog. remember me!? me neither. who am I!?! I use to be so faithful once upon a time.

during this seemingly silent blog season, there has been many, many, many, many, many, many [getting the point?] growing pains, lots of blind faith, determination, confusion, pain, sin struggle, learning, anxiety, crying, darkness, weakness, adjusting, not really living life... oh wait I was feeling this way a year ago too, but for different reasons?! what's happening God, this wasn't supposed to happen!!

all that to say. God is up to something [again] and I am just going to stop setting unrealistic exceptions on things I want out of life, because this far -- NONE of my expectations on life have come to fruition or seem to ever measure up in my messy thought life.

things I'm sure of; I find myself in yet another season of neeeeeding to get the heck out of the boat of fear, that is holding me back from actually LIVING my life and walk on the water again -- more blind faith & trust than before. and it's time to accept the fact that no matter how uncomfortable it may be, unexpected twists in a plot will ALWAYS make for a more exciting story. here's the pen back God, I'm done trying to write my life out.

lets leap [again]

JOB 23 // the message

“But he knows where I am and what I’ve done.    
He can cross-examine me all he wants, and I’ll pass the test        
with honors.I’ve followed him closely, my feet in his footprints,    
not once swerving from his way.
I’ve obeyed every word he’s spoken,    
and not just obeyed his advice—I’ve treasured it. 

“But he is singular and sovereign. 
Who can argue with him?    
He does what he wants, when he wants to.
He’ll complete in detail what he’s decided about me,    
and whatever else he determines to do.
Is it any wonder that I dread meeting him?    
Whenever I think about it, 
I get scared all over again.
God makes my heart sink!    
God Almighty gives me the shudders!
I’m completely in the dark,    
I can’t see my hand in front of my face.”

--

my life.

You called me out upon the waters

the great unknown, my feet may fail

and there I find You in the mystery

in oceans deep my faith will stand

and I will call upon Your name

and keep my eyes above the waves

when oceans rise

my soul will rest in Your embrace

for I am Yours and You are mine

-

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters

where ever You would call me

take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

tendons - bellarive

I LOVE music. I LOVE lyrics. I LOVE music + lyrics. I can't sing, I can't play any instruments ... but there is just something about music that literally changes the way I feel! maybe music a/effects everyone that way... but if not, I think this song will change your emotions/how you feel if you read & listen at the same time.  .  .  .

Barely beating now

My heart is overcome

I fear there's nothing left for You

Can You hear my heart from there

It seems the distance is 

What I chose to bear

So rip these tendons, they hinder my reach towards You

Rip these tendons, they hinder my reach towards You

Would You meet me here

Where I rest my bones

Where I lay my head down

This place is my escape

Oh God, I need You to initiate

Light up the sky

Set our hearts on fire

Light up the sky

Let us see our Creator

If the Titanic was made to sink

Then so was my heart

For I made sure it was impenetrable

Oh, what a wretched man I am

Who will save me from this flesh

Paul whispers in my ear,

“Oh, don’t worry my friend …

You’re in good company”

Poets before me have tried

to measure this love

And if 40,000 brothers cannot

with all of their quantity of love

make up this sum

Then how can my heart contain this mass

It would only burst at the seams into

a million tender pieces

So what then

What good is a broken heart to You

Could you even hear my heart from there

And like a father assuring his son

to come home

“Oh my son, it’s enough, it’s enough”

So who am I to accept this grace

that just falls like rain

‘Cause we all know I chose to lay

my head in this desert

But like a fish out of water

We only know then what it means

to be parched

So if Christ is alive, the love,

and the groom

Then take heed my friends

For chivalry is not dead

For I know no other lover who would

have met me here in this place

So I awake and I rise from my bed

of complacency

Oh, my God I’ve been sleeping

with a corpse

Oh, and these bed sores they still

rest in my bones

Oh, how I’ve made a beautiful dance

with this cadaver but my audience

is appalled

Oh, how strong these tendons

How they desperately need to rip

from this ancient Adam

So light up the sky and

Set me a flame

Burn this bone and tissue

For I no longer want to be

entangled in this sinew

That hinders my reach towards You