growing pain: home

It's a rainy Saturday morning at work. I am missing Saturday's when I was growing up. Before I knew the value of sleeping in. When Saturday automatically meant house-hold-chores for the first half of the day and enjoy-a-day-off the other half of the day. Before I could drive. The time I was care-free. When life was relatively easy.

When it was nice and sunny out. We would play outside until the sun went down. Only to come inside with dirt under our nails and a ton of bug bites. Going on adventurous bike rides through our neighbor hood. Running around our giant front and backyard. Taking the tire swing and turning it into a carnival ride, using the jungle gym. Creating a water-world with a hose, the swing set and the trampoline. Playing house in our giant built-just-for-us play house. Making cities out chalk on our driveway and riding our bikes through them, making stops to grocery shop at the "Grocery Store".

Then there were Saturdays that were rainy. Those days were spent inside. Inside the family room. A room designated just for movie watching, craft making, library book reading, barbie or doll house playing, and fort building. The deep dark blue comfy carpet was very inviting to play on, no matter the time of day. If we weren't in the family room, we were in the kitchen eating Chewy Granola bars for a snack or sitting up at the kitchen bar stools talking moms ear off while she made dinner. Sometimes we would play in our bedrooms, but pretty much only on the Saturdays where we had ventured to clean our rooms that very day...the only time a room was fun to play in was when it had just been cleaned (how ironic right?). Sometime we would just use the entire house to play in, running around or chasing each other from the bedrooms all the way to the family room (causing broken bones).

Thinking about my old house makes me remember too many memories; good, bad, happy, sad, exciting, scary...ultimately causing growing pains. I'm learning that it doesn't matter what roof is over your head, it's the people under that roof that make a house a home.

Beautiful Day

Earlier, I was driving to work from church and I could not believe what a beautiful day it iwas! Though the air is quite crisp, today is simply a gorgeous fall day! During my twenty-five minute journey, the car temperature read 45° the entire time, yet I felt it necessary to have the windows cracked with the heater blasting – strange I know.. All of the sudden I heard, “The heart is a bloom…” I knew this could only mean one thing, that U2’s, Beautiful Day was about to be blaring over my crackly radio speakers, and how fitting right?

taken from my phone...while swerving on the road :)

Today has been a Beautiful gift from God. I guess everyday is, but today especially. I have so much to be thankful for on this Beautiful Day, and yet so often I take so much for granted. In church today--one thing I am thankful for, my church--our pastor spoke on temptation, referencing Luke 4:1-13…it was of course a slap in the face. One of the points was “resist the temptation to take short cuts” (vs. 5-8) 5 The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. 6 And he said to him, "I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours." 8 Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only." This is something that I tend to do so easily and is a honest struggle. Often, I believe the lies that Satan throws at me, and reach for the crown before I take the cross. I loved when my pastor said “short cuts abort the plan of God”, when I choose to take the short cuts, I am stalling the plan God has for me…taking the easy way out instead. My prayer for this week is that I would choose the cross before the crown, by NOT taking any short cuts – even if it means pain or persecution.

Well, that is one reason I have had a Beautiful Day…learning and growing in God can be so beautiful and I don’t want to miss any God given opportunities to do so. Now I am at work. One thing I actually really, really, really don’t like to be doing on Sundays is… working. But today I am trying to have a good attitude about it, because I am pretty thankful for the job I have. Okay now I just need to prayerfully pursue a Beautiful Week…even when my alarm clock does off at 6:30a, wish me luck.

*Keep Running...

God Disciplines His Sons

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to

the point of shedding your blood. ⁵And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, i

t produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
¹²Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.

HEBREWS 12:1-12

Tonight, while spending time with God I came across Hebrews 12 ... this was the Post-It marking the passage that I so often forget to apply in my daily life. So many times I stop running (like this week)... I give up too easy, I walk. In an actual race (back in my Cross Country days..), our coach ALWAYS yelled, "Never stop running -- even if you have to just slow down your pace, NEVER stop running! Pick up those legs!" In reality (I hate to admit it) BUT when you are running a long distance and you begin to walk, from not being in shape -- it does indeed make your legs hurt even more than if you were to just simply slow down your pace to a jog. With Christ, when we 'walk' we are allowing Satan to slow us down, he doesn't want us to finish STRONG! When we slow down we give Satan the foot hold he desires. Slowing down amounts to us not spending time with God and letting our relationship with Christ dwindle. Yet when we continue to run with Gods strength, we are filled with JOY and PEACE ... we aren't ashamed for walking!! We don't live in SHAME or GUILT. When I would stop running during practice or a race I was left feeling ashamed and as though I had failed. God doesn't want us to go through life feeling like failures, he SO loves us that he sent his son to die, that HE could help us finish the race with HIS never ending POWER + GRACE + MERCY + LOVE! Christ wants to see us FINISH our race STRONG with out holding back .... RUNNING, SPRINTING to HIM alone. When we run to him our legs don't hurt as bad as they would from walking or slowing down with Satan. BUT when they do hurt, God is testing us to see if we have the will power to keep running through our trials, sufferings, or despair. The more you run and work out, the STRONGER you get, your legs no longer hurt or feel the burn -- in this case, after sting of sin -- that is guilt and shame. In Christ we don't experience a burn in our calves from walking, we find our STRENGTH to finish the race HE has set out for us. Will you join me and pick up those legs, get in shape + sprint for the finish line!?

Unfailing God.

Yew.. where to begin.. Okay so God + I time tonight was so needed first of all, but wow it was so crazy how God shows up the way he does! Setting the stage for awesome God time; I am home alone for the week while the parents and twin serve in a devastatingly poverty stricken small town in West Virginia. My sister went to South Africa for three weeks serving over there, mainly to the youth. And my older, younger (too quickly turning into a man..ha) brother is also serving (closer to home..but not at home) in a predominantly Muslim community.. I know it will be life-changing for him. Okay, so there you have it.. I am left here with my youngest brother, whom I love and adore. HOWEVER, I am truly, deeply, hate to admit it, actually missing my family being around.. I feel safe with them, safe; physically - protection, emotionally - I can be myself and my true colors show when I am with them, physically - not being able to communicate with them (especially my twin) is SO hard..way harder than I thought! Okay! There you go, that's the background for MUCH needed God and me time .. date with Jesus.. more than a date a true encountering of my God!

Whether I am going to study, serve, or worship I always, try to start God and me times with praying, that God would open my eyes and heart to what he is trying to teach or show me. Side note I have never.. maybe once? Okay, not that I could remember have ever really gotten broken up or truly emotional over praying to my Creator..I know it sounds outrageous (because it is!) but I always, always, have blamed it on that I am JUST NOT AN EMOTIONAL person.. that's why I don't cry over anything.. well lets just say that changed tonight. It sounds strange but I actually have been asking God to so break my heart that I would shed true, raw, and hard tears.. Tonight I did. I just laid it all out there - - e v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g that has been tugging and nudging on my heart.. sin, struggles, doubt, worries, fears, desires, thoughts, dreams .. pretty much everything honestly. Every thought and word I spoke to my Father made me shed tears.. streaming down my face.. I couldn't control it.. I couldn't believe it either! I was actually (finally) crying because I was so heart broken over what I was saying to God.. struggles I had to get off my chest, desires and dreams I am confused about, what ever it was. It's as though, for the first time - - seriously - - the first time I was so vulnerable with God, that I knew and realized that I couldn't run or hide from him.. I was found out, it was like I was sharing my deepest darkest secrets with a friend without holding back, I obviously know God knows my heart inside and out, BUT it means more and does more when we as his prized possessions, children, lovers, can physically speak them out to him and have a true heart to heart with HIM! ((AT THIS POINT OF THIS POST I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF THIS WOULD MAKE SENSE.. I just want to remember times like this)) Wow.. Okay I have lost all train of thought at this point.. BUT this time of sharing and praying and seeking Gods face was so POWERFUL.. it was so healing and rejuvenating and refreshing for my spirit I could not have asked for a better date.. best date I have ever been on thus far in my relationship with my Love. s i g h . . . wow I forgot ONE more crazy happening .. I had hardly even opened the word after praying and being emotionally distraut (sp? my automatic spell check is currently MIA as I type .. so I can only hope for the best at this point) when I came across this verse, Philippians 4:4-6. Now, I do believe sometimes God might only want us to read just a verse or two and truly meditate on.. it's like quality vs. quantity. So I was like, hmmm I love Philippians (the entire book is amazing) .. so I re-read it a few times and looked at the meaning(s) of the words and really chewed on what the few lines read. When I first read it .. I laughed out loud .. with tears still warmly streaming down my face .. I couldn't believe how it was EXACTLY what God had chosen for me to read, right then and there;

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:4-6

pe⋅ti⋅tion

-noun. a request made for something desired, esp. a respectful or humble request, as to a superior or to one of those in authority; a supplication or prayer: a petition for aid; a petition to God for courage and strength.

This verse was literally what I was praying about and asking for! -- AND when I was reading those words, the song Unfailing God - Desperation Band came on.. the thought of knowing how my God has never failed me blows my mind! and plus seeing first hand that God indeed provided the perfect passege for me to read (it's the little things) is so amazing.. I fail TOO much.. everyday.. every minute, and STILL some how, he has enough grace and mercy to love and cherish me the way HE does.. it's crazy! I know, and realize 'God and I' time isn't always this exciting or powerful (to me anyway, just being honest).. BUT what if it was?! My prayer is that my relationship with Christ would never seem boring.. more deep breaths.. Okay I have to go to bed NOW.. work is in a few hours.. not good! Meditate and realize the fact that we have NEVER been unloved, forgotten, unreachable to the Creator.. He is reaching for me, for you..dancing over us, singing over us, waiting, watching.. take hold and don't look back.. it will change your life I promise.

WHY WORRY?!

I am a worry wart. I worry about almost everything. My parents tell me I am subtracting days from my life because I worry so much and that it raises my blood pressure. I try to hide the fact that I am a worrier and play it off that I am just concerned about a particular situation. I grew up knowing the infamous Steve Green kids song or jingle "Do Not Worry", inspired from the verses in Matthew 6:25-34, it is still stuck in my head and yet I can't seem to put it into practice. ((add cheery, childish harmonies to the lyrics below))

"Do not worry about tomorrow;
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink.
Is not life more important than food
and a body more than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap,
or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them!
Do not worry about tomorrow. "

I know not to worry. I know in my head that it's technically a sin to worry. When one worries, they are basically telling God "I don't trust that You will take care of my needs". So why do I worry so much!? Because I’m human and “my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak” (worship throwback). Satan knows I am a worrier so he takes any chance he has to make me worry. I hate it. I know in my heart I trust God and know He has a perfect plan for me, but I need to so desperately curve my worrying to resting in the Truth. I need to put into practice my ability to trust God wholly, by not worrying.. I love in Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse that was on almost every one of my graduation cards) the promise God gives to us, He KNOWS my plans, He promises me a hope and a future in Him. All over scripture God not only commands us not to worry and trust in Him, but gives us comfort that we aren't alone. If God is always with us, we never have to be afraid. In Acts 18, God tells Paul in a vision not to be afraid, because He was with him. God opened my heart, eyes, ears, mind, and soul this weekend to what I need to work on in my far from perfect life. God commands me not to worry, therefore I must not worry. It's as simple as that. I want to have a renewed spirit and mindset and a trust in my Creator that I can't even find room to worry. One more quote, I love how William Cowper put it in this poem about our Creator - it's so powerful how God does move in mysterious ways and all I have to do is sit back and wait patiently ... with out worrying what tomorrow will bring.

"Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower."

perspective

I am so blessed.

blessed to be a child of God. blessed with a family that loves me and for the most part is solid (not perfect by any means). blessed to live where I live. blessed to worship my Creator freely. blessed to be fed and not hunger. blessed with solid friends. blessed to have clean water to drink. blessed to live in America. blessed to have a job. blessed with good health. blessed to be where I am right now in life. blessed to have not experienced a broken heart. blessed with new mercies and grace every time I wake. blessed to have a car that runs. blessed to have the education I have been given. blessed to have sight and sound. blessed to have a twin. blessed to have a mom that gives good advice and wants what's best for me. blessed to have hard working parents. blessed with opportunity. blessed with shoes to wear. blessed to have things I could live without. blessed to wake up this morning. blessed with what I have, though my selfish mind set says it's not enough. blessed to have a bed to sleep in. blessed to be able to serve. blessed to have breathe. blessed to be alive.

the list obviously goes on, and on, and on. these happened to be on the top of my head. so I was able to go over to Canada for a few days with two lovely girls for my spring break - more like almost spring break ... it's not quite spring. we stayed at Emily's grandmas house - free of charge and cleaner. she recently lost her husband unexpectedly, so it was so great to be able to spend time with her, getting her mind off things as she transitions from living life for so long with her best friend to suddenly living life without him there. I can imagine it's been hard for her, but I can rest in the fact that she finds rest and comfort in the ultimate giver of rest and peace. God calls us to look after the widows and orphans so why not do as God calls me and invest time and company into a widow who is suffering hurt I've never experienced. needless to say, it was truly a blessing to be able to spend time with my newly adopted grandma ... thanks for sharing Emily : ) as we were in Canada, we of course took time to go into Toronto to see the city. I love the city, any city, with tall buildings, busyness of business people, traffic, bad smells, store fronts, culture, stop lights, walking .... everything about cities I love. the only thing that makes me sick when I go into a city is the bad that come out of it. often times, cities are immune to drugs, prostitution, gangs, or violence. the most disturbing one is homelessness. I've seen my share of homeless people, you don't have to go far in any direction from my driveway to see that there is a need and a large sum of people without a place to call home or somewhere warm to rest their head. we walked to the Eaton Centre where people spend thousands of dollars on clothes that give them status and food that makes them fat. as we waited at a corner light, there was a homeless man literally laying on the cold, hard, uncomfortable cement, under some kind of tarp, and certainly no pillow - and he wasn't the only one we saw in our journey's. I've seen people beg for money in Detroit, and people laying on the streets of New York city in the hot heat of July, but honestly not that close to my feet, and not at such a cold time of the year. I was so taken back by this sight that it about made me sick. the fact that where I live and there in Toronto, people live 'normal' lives everyday with their coffee makers and alarm clocks going off, while people are laying on cold cement. and I know this isn't new to society, or new to me for that fact, but it just caught me off guard. it makes me want to serve those who are on the streets, I want them to find and see Hope, I want them to know that no matter what they've done or been through, they are still worth something to a Heavenly father. it also made me put my life into perspective. it opened my eyes to see what I have and not taking it for granted. God has given me too much and so often I selfishly feel it's not enough. when will we [myself included] stop being brats about what we don't have and stop to serve and think of those around us with nothing except lost hopes and dreams....

blessing in disguise:

“God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm…
In His own time, in His own way”
-William Cowper

Yesterday a dear friend of mine visited me at work or maybe just so she could study, either way – she indirectly reminded me of how our heavenly Father works. So, this past summer was going good, warm, sunny, and pretty – the only good thing Michigan brings for three months. I graduated from HS, had seen family I hadn’t seen a while, hung out with friends all the time, was looking forward to the rest of the summer and what was in store, life was moving fast as I quickly went from a care free high schooler to a more “mature” college student with more responsibilities. I was working a tad above minimum wage at the time, at a job that at the time I really actually loved – despite the pay, the customers, and the management staff … okay I only liked the social aspect. The people that worked there were all young (my age – mid twenties) and really funny and made time go by quickly. I knew in May that I would be going away (various trips & other responsibilities) for three week near the end of July into August. I requested this time off knowing it was a long time and that I would make up for it once I returned. My boss was totally cool with it and off I went. Little did I know July would be the last time I was punched in at work … So there I went, honest to goodness serving my Creator at a camp for disabled/abused kids – which was a truly amazing experience, once home after about ten days, I loaded on to yet another bus about three days later and headed up North to counsel at my churches summer camp – which again was a huge blessing and growing experience. After that I was finally home, but not going back to work just yet – my family, about 41 %: my mom, dad, and twin sister went down South for a missions trip with our church. That left my two little brothers, my older sister and myself with the house to ourselves for an entire week. My twin had been withholding a decent paying nannying job that summer, and I volunteered my services as she was away. Alright so the three weeks were finally up and I was at my church on a Sunday afternoon before Lighthouse, when it dawned on me to call my work and see when I was scheduled for the following week… that’s when it happened and when I heard th e words I honestly NEVER thought I would hear on the other end “you’re not on the schedule.” – those words translate to your fired, adios amigos, go find another job, or your time here is through. The first thing that came to my mind were, oh they are just pulling my leg (seeing that the guy who I was talking to, a fellow employee and someone who was known for being very sarcastic and never took life seriously), so still in shock I actually asked for the other guy who was also working, for a reassurance my time was through or to second his remarks. He wasn’t lying or joking he was telling the hurtful truth. I was sad – this was a job that I enjoyed on most days and had really grew to love the people I worked with, so it was like I was being cut off from a group of friends in a way. Not only that I had been working there for almost a year which for an after school job is pretty impressive. The next thing that came to mind was settling with the fact that I had to get a new job – and if you know me at all you know I hate change, change in the weather, change in friendships or change in every area of life. I also dreaded the idea of having to go in for interviews or knowing that the job market was super sketchy at the time. So many things went through my mind: Why me? Why know? God, You know I am starting school in a couple of weeks and know I NEED a job? You know I liked the people I worked with. You know it was convenient to get to and had flexible scheduling options. You know I hate change!?

So August met me with the craziness of registering for classes, getting ready to start a new chapter of life – entitled College, and looking so desperately for a new job or source of income. I applied and looked into a lot of different coffee shops, book stores, restaurants, because the only two jobs I had ever held were in the food biz. I also applied to be an intern at for my churches youth ministry, something I really wanted and had a passion for and had really been praying for – but God closed all those doors and opened another door instead. One day my mom, being as wise and helpful as she is, suggested applying at our local Library. Okay in all honesty I laughed at the thought of even applying to such establishment. First because I’m not a reader – I can read, I choose not to read for enjoyment, unless I know it's really good … plus the only time I read tends to be forced upon, because my education requires such exercise. Another issue being my older sister was once fired from a library, - so we have a past and the only thing I think of when I think of libraries are; mean, old, unreasonable librarians. Therefore the idea of applying to work at one sounded preposterous! But because I know my mom really does always knows best, I applied anyway and a week later to my delight I was called in for an interview. I put nice clothes and makeup on and went in for my interview. I get super nervous on things such as interviews and of course this one wasn’t any different. My now boss was asking what I knew about computers and I was thinking in the back of my mind – uhh not enough to be helping someone … little did I know the job description involved working in the computer center. To my delight, God closed a door just to so graciously open another one instead. I started officially in September and I love it…the library that is. The job is a lot more professional than any other jobs I’ve had in the past and it looks better on a resumé. Not to mention I am getting paid three bucks more than I was at my last job – which does add up. I get homework done and get paid for it … yeah it’s sweet.

° ° ° ° °

*All that to say, God really does bless us when we least expect it. This may be a silly or not so serious situation, and I know I've had bigger problems than having to find a new job, but any situation we face causes us to stop and wait on God . It may take time, patience’s, courage, or maybe pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes – but He does not and will not fail us. When we seek Him, He is the one that approaches us with His never ending love and mercy. God can bless us in the smallest, biggest or even strangest ways but we can’t be blessed unless we diligently seek His face, through prayer, staying in His word, growing with other believers, or telling the world of this amazing Love! Blessings are in disguise because, God may take away or close doors just to open another door for reasons we can't understand & things may seem really bad or hard at the time ... but in the end, we find what a blessing that situation really was. As Christians, it is up to us to have faith and trust in God, as He can truly do the impossible, things unimaginable .. and in Gods perfect timing He will bless us. Oh God lets us press on --- that we may find Your favor through trials or pain, so that we may find Your blessings in disguise.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” - James 1:12

Quickie update..school is going well, my job is excellent, God is good, and fall has officially fallen. I am currently sitting in Caribou [which is so cozy and warm compared to the rainy cold night that's waiting for me to walk out to my car] taking part in their delightful free internet access...ours was going a tad slow for my liking..*I love things in life that are free; samples, library books, or hugs..this week has gone by really fast - so I am pretty happy about that, but it’s been a weird week. on Sunday a girl that I actually didn’t personally know, but a lot of my friends from camp and lighthouse knew (therefore affected by the situation); died in a car accident. It really puts life into perspective, be praying for her family and friends - but we can all rest in the fact that we will see her again. we get so caught up in our busy lifestyles and forget how short life is, remember to really drink it in deep the time God has given you today, because we aren’t promised tomorrow.. so anyway, then it got super cold and rainy here like overnight to my dismay..but this weekend me and my twin are driving up north to see thee Matt Wertz live..I am pretty stoked!!

*I miss this entrance