Unfailing God.

Yew.. where to begin.. Okay so God + I time tonight was so needed first of all, but wow it was so crazy how God shows up the way he does! Setting the stage for awesome God time; I am home alone for the week while the parents and twin serve in a devastatingly poverty stricken small town in West Virginia. My sister went to South Africa for three weeks serving over there, mainly to the youth. And my older, younger (too quickly turning into a man..ha) brother is also serving (closer to home..but not at home) in a predominantly Muslim community.. I know it will be life-changing for him. Okay, so there you have it.. I am left here with my youngest brother, whom I love and adore. HOWEVER, I am truly, deeply, hate to admit it, actually missing my family being around.. I feel safe with them, safe; physically - protection, emotionally - I can be myself and my true colors show when I am with them, physically - not being able to communicate with them (especially my twin) is SO hard..way harder than I thought! Okay! There you go, that's the background for MUCH needed God and me time .. date with Jesus.. more than a date a true encountering of my God!

Whether I am going to study, serve, or worship I always, try to start God and me times with praying, that God would open my eyes and heart to what he is trying to teach or show me. Side note I have never.. maybe once? Okay, not that I could remember have ever really gotten broken up or truly emotional over praying to my Creator..I know it sounds outrageous (because it is!) but I always, always, have blamed it on that I am JUST NOT AN EMOTIONAL person.. that's why I don't cry over anything.. well lets just say that changed tonight. It sounds strange but I actually have been asking God to so break my heart that I would shed true, raw, and hard tears.. Tonight I did. I just laid it all out there - - e v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g that has been tugging and nudging on my heart.. sin, struggles, doubt, worries, fears, desires, thoughts, dreams .. pretty much everything honestly. Every thought and word I spoke to my Father made me shed tears.. streaming down my face.. I couldn't control it.. I couldn't believe it either! I was actually (finally) crying because I was so heart broken over what I was saying to God.. struggles I had to get off my chest, desires and dreams I am confused about, what ever it was. It's as though, for the first time - - seriously - - the first time I was so vulnerable with God, that I knew and realized that I couldn't run or hide from him.. I was found out, it was like I was sharing my deepest darkest secrets with a friend without holding back, I obviously know God knows my heart inside and out, BUT it means more and does more when we as his prized possessions, children, lovers, can physically speak them out to him and have a true heart to heart with HIM! ((AT THIS POINT OF THIS POST I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF THIS WOULD MAKE SENSE.. I just want to remember times like this)) Wow.. Okay I have lost all train of thought at this point.. BUT this time of sharing and praying and seeking Gods face was so POWERFUL.. it was so healing and rejuvenating and refreshing for my spirit I could not have asked for a better date.. best date I have ever been on thus far in my relationship with my Love. s i g h . . . wow I forgot ONE more crazy happening .. I had hardly even opened the word after praying and being emotionally distraut (sp? my automatic spell check is currently MIA as I type .. so I can only hope for the best at this point) when I came across this verse, Philippians 4:4-6. Now, I do believe sometimes God might only want us to read just a verse or two and truly meditate on.. it's like quality vs. quantity. So I was like, hmmm I love Philippians (the entire book is amazing) .. so I re-read it a few times and looked at the meaning(s) of the words and really chewed on what the few lines read. When I first read it .. I laughed out loud .. with tears still warmly streaming down my face .. I couldn't believe how it was EXACTLY what God had chosen for me to read, right then and there;

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:4-6

pe⋅ti⋅tion

-noun. a request made for something desired, esp. a respectful or humble request, as to a superior or to one of those in authority; a supplication or prayer: a petition for aid; a petition to God for courage and strength.

This verse was literally what I was praying about and asking for! -- AND when I was reading those words, the song Unfailing God - Desperation Band came on.. the thought of knowing how my God has never failed me blows my mind! and plus seeing first hand that God indeed provided the perfect passege for me to read (it's the little things) is so amazing.. I fail TOO much.. everyday.. every minute, and STILL some how, he has enough grace and mercy to love and cherish me the way HE does.. it's crazy! I know, and realize 'God and I' time isn't always this exciting or powerful (to me anyway, just being honest).. BUT what if it was?! My prayer is that my relationship with Christ would never seem boring.. more deep breaths.. Okay I have to go to bed NOW.. work is in a few hours.. not good! Meditate and realize the fact that we have NEVER been unloved, forgotten, unreachable to the Creator.. He is reaching for me, for you..dancing over us, singing over us, waiting, watching.. take hold and don't look back.. it will change your life I promise.

Ah-mazing summer nights..

Wow. This summer is dreadfully going by faster than I would like, HOWEVER at least I have something to look forward to at the end of my some what 'freedom' ... Hillsong Conference in Miami, which falls at the end of August! So excited, there are no fitting words. That’s beside the point. Summer nights are something I live for; warm breeze, nine o'clock daylight, bon fires, fire flies, being out late because homework isn't calling, or staying up late (and not because a paper is due in a few hours), spending time with friends, or listening to thunder storms. what ever the case my be, I love summer nights. This summer some nights are spent in a different sort, learning, hearing, praising, and talking about my God. Sunday nights, obvious; Lighthouse.. which is always good. And now just for the summer season; Watershed.. which is an amazing time where the women collective of thee Lighthouse Collective are able to spend time digging into God's word as a sisterhood. God has opened my eyes so wide this summer and it's not even over yet..!


I don't enjoy drama, I think girls can be too catty and that sometimes they are too much.. So girls Bible studies always make me a tad nervous at first, but after I test the waters (no pun intended) I really do end up enjoying them. This summer we (as in Watershed::Lighthouse girls) are studying Esther through the Beth Moore Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman study. The study itself is pretty good, but besides the study, the time we spend listening to each other talk is probably (for me) the most powerful. There is something about hearing girls share what they are struggling with and then coming to find that we are all basically struggling with the same exact things from day to day, no matter what background, shape, size, color, or personality we come from. Each of us have at least one thing in common, being a woman. I love that about this group. I love that when I hear a girl share her heart that I can relate to a tee with what she is dealing with. I love that, that is God. I love that God moves in each of our hearts to see Him through someone else’s struggle perhaps. It has been amazing the encouragement I have received from this Bible study and I am so expectant for what God is going to continue doing this summer.. for such a time as this (Esther 4:14) that the women of LH would be able to spend time with one another and share, learn, grow this summer! It is in fact amazing..



like .. love;
Not in a valley girl tone of course, but I do have to say I like love. Who doesn't like love.. Even for a guy, he has to like love, he has to like affection or relationship or contact or communication.. Though this could be coming from his mom or a sports team, I'm not an expert, but it doesn't take a scientist to know that EVERYONE likes love, people like being loved. This summer at Lighthouse, Cliff is starting series called 'Like Love', a dating/relationships/love/friendship/whatever it is series on none other but love! I have to say I am slightly stoked. In high school WSM did a series on love and boy/girl connections.. it was good, but this one will be a bit different seeing that for this group dating is no longer recreational (to some maybe) but for the most part it's now a time where prospective spouses come into play...anyway, what ever the circumstance, the first part was on Sunday and it was exactly what I needed to hear, it was the kind of message (which seems selfish, but true) that was directed right to me! It was all about how you can't think or go about a healthy relationship (boy OR girl) with hidden sin. The call for forgiveness is evidently key and of course something I have grown up hearing, but it was so right in my face on Sunday. I am so excited to hear the rest of what Cliff has to say about God, dating, and relationships in general. d e e p b r e a t h I am excited to see what God does in my heart after this ah-mazing summer.

final thought;
read this and be encouraged..

Love

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord.
20 On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:9-21

thinking out loud.

I was telling a friend in short last night of the dreams and desires I had in high school ... after finishing the conversation it dawned on me how strange it is that people’s dreams and desires change. Is it because times change, people change, economic change, fads change, is it God himself is molding and crafting your dreams into something more powerful than post high school/college aspirations? What ever it is that shifted my dreams and ambitions makes me wonder where and how I will actually turn out.. These are just thoughts I decided to spew onto the screen .. in the process of thinking, praying, seeking, learning, loving, healing ..

Playing major catch up;

long time coming ...

Oh, The Places I Could Go;

I am a procrastinator. I am a worrier. I am indecisive. I am slightly a perfectionist. I see, I am here for a reason. I am on an adventure. I keep waiting. I need to move into action.. With these thoughts boggling my mind, I was reading Oh, the Places You'll Go to Jack the boy I have been nanny-ing this week. I was shocked at how applicable a Dr. Seuss book could be! I probably have read this child's book before, growing up perhaps -- but it wasn't till yesterday that as I read the words how it almost turned into a, "Oh wow I think God is trying to tell me something in this kids book!!" Last weekend (4 of July) I was at a bonfire with my sisters and some friends, I got talking with a girl there whose boyfriend had been to Australia with YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She told me how it was great for people who didn't really know what they wanted out of life or were unsure of the direction of their life. It sounded amazing as she was explaining what they do down there and how life changing it can be. Basically you go to a different country (or stay in the states - they have YWAM locations almost everywhere) for 4 months, there you go through an intense discipleship program. After the three months of learning and serving locally, your team as a whole chooses where (different location for serving internationally) they will go for two months and serve; applying all they learn from the prior discipleship classes. If that doesn't sound exciting or inviting -- I don't know what does... To me, someone who has no 5 year, let alone 5 day plan, it sounds pretty inviting. Therefore I have been researching and praying about different options and how I could serve with YWAM. I would have to finish up college with at least an associates degree this year, then hopefully go on my Discipleship Training School (DTS) journey, come back to the states and then who knows what ... obviously they are God's plans not mine, I am just trying to iron out the wrinkles of my unmotivated, indecisive, pouty self that needs to wake up and see life for what it is in Christ.. ::deep breath:: maybe this is something God really is calling me to, now I sit back; trust, wait, be still, pray, seek Him, and pursue opportunities.. Here is the part(s) of the book that really stuck out to me and made me think of how I need to apply this literally to my life.

Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes.You can steer yourself any direction you choose.You’re on your own.And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.You’ll look up and down streets.Look’em over with care.About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.And you may not find any you’ll want to go down.In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town.It’s opener there in the wide open air.And will you succeed?Yes! You will, indeed!Kid, you’ll move mountains!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So…get on your way!

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!//DR. SEUSS

You are my joy, You are my joy, You are my joy;

Besides the feel of God's calling on my life and seeming to grow up this summer, in church we began a new series on Joy -- oh my goodness.. SO good, of course I missed today because I am at work BUT that is the beauty of podcast!! Anyway, it was such a blessing to hear what God says about Joy in the Bible and how we can apply it to every situation in our life. My favorite thing said was "We find our joy, when we find God.." -- because how true is that?! How can we have joy in our lives if we aren't seeking God??! It really hit me in the face and made me examine the joy I claim to have in my life .. it could use a tune up no doubt.

PS; I got to go see Paper Route at the Garden Bowl the other night... it was amazing they literally played on a bowling alley, it was a good time.. now go listen to their music.

Listen up....

Tonight at church we sang a new song by Christy Nockels' and I really liked it - so of course I had to buy it off iTunes and ended up buying the whole thing ... it's so good! It includes originals + covers. New music brings such joy, eh?
Get it on iTunes

not here.

having major blogger block.

I will let you know when I am ready to type write again.

sleep, sushi, & sunshine

today has been
an all around good day.

I am realizing that sleeping in is so over rated. Lately my lovely mum always makes sure I am up when she leaves for work, I am oh so thankful. I do love my sleep, but I also like to utilize my summer days, especially the ones I have off. I am not one for change or trying new things however, today I did! Me and my sister's went to Royal Oak for sushi, and it was really yummy! I am excited about this new [to me] discovery. Then we walked around and drank iced coffee, it was simply delightful. The sunshine today was icing on the cake. The weather was perfect; not to hot and not to cold without any clouds. I do love Michigan summers.

silent moments

I should be sleeping. I can't sleep and it's just me and my Creator ... in the quiet and the stillness, it's powerful; the presence of God. " You hold me now", such a truth. God shows up when we call on Him, He really does answer, like right now for me.

*this passage is crazy ... you have to read the whole thing, don't skim it -- I am in one of those "ahh God" moments ((powerful))

Psalm 73
A psalm of Asaph.

¹Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

³ For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. ^[a]

⁵ They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.

⁷ From their callous hearts comes iniquity ^[b] ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.

⁸ They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.

⁹ Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.

¹⁰ Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance. ^[c]

¹¹ They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

¹⁵ If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.

¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.

¹⁹ How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!

²⁰ As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

picnic season

What a lovely day for a picnic ... so we went on a lovely picnic.

thee fresh(wo)men kairos group went on a picnic yesterday afternoon. we wore pretty dresses. ate delightful food. had merry conversation.

Friday morning rambling ...

May is here.

May is one of my favorite months. I love that the weather is FINALLY worthy of being enjoyed. I love that summer is on the horizon. I love that flowers and trees are in bloom. May is such an exciting time, a lot of changes though - ending one thing and starting something else. It will be good, I can tell. I don't know where April went, it went by so fast. I told my self at the end of March that I would go the entire month of April without buying Starbucks OR music off of iTunes store. I succeeded with my goal of not buying any Starbucks for a whole month and learned, what is so cool about over priced coffee anyway?! However, I could not hold to not buying music off of iTunes ... at least I finished 1/2 of my goal! Better than failing both..ha. Well May is looking good; it's officially summer, I am meeting a family I potentially will be nannying for part time (while still at the library). Oasis is coming to a close, and contrary to how I felt about Oasis at the beginning of the school year, I have completly fallen in love with the sweet girls in my group ... they are each so unique and that's why I love them, they make small group fun and hopefully I can stay with them through at least their middle school years (maybe through high school .. who knows). So May is bringing things to an end and beginning things too, so it's exciting. God is giving me a new clear perspective of His love towards me, and I can tell He is doing powerful things in my life right now ... I am slowly learning that, not knowing is part of the great adventure. I am excited to see what May has in store for me.

healing/surrendering

SURRENDER ALL.
EMBRACE YOUR HEALING.

I needed to hear that like mad.

God I cry out, get me through my day by day temptations that pull me down, steer me away from believing Satan's lies. Protect me under the shelter of the shadow of the Utmost High. Allow me to live a holy and pleasing life according to Your will. Make me let go, let me take hold of only you. I am a broken person in need of healing, only you offer. Break my heart for what breaks yours; let me truly surrender all and embrace healing.

excited

SO many things to be excited, happy, and thankful about!

"Sing to the LORD a new song,for he has done marvelous things"

Ps. 98:1

Love opend my eyes..

SO my last post was about how I want to KNOW God better & how thankful I am that HE knows me ... well tonight at Lighthouse, Cliff spoke about KNOWING God & us KNOWING Him, definitely not a coincidence, simply God moving.

THE NAME GAME

So I am at work right now, and a girl came in earlier that I sort of knew from high school, we ran cross country together, and were in a few classes together - but it's not like we hung out, outside of school. To my surprise, she totally knew my name, she asked how I was and the whole bit. I for the life of me could not remember her name and I felt bad because she knew my name. This isn't the first time this has happened, it actually happens to me a lot ... I don't know what it is, I just have a hard time with names. I blame it on the fact that I am a twin, therefore my entire life people have been trying to figure out what my name is, it's always a luck of the draw or 50/50 chance of getting it right - for a lot of people I come into contact with. As I 'tweeted' my frustration, it crossed my mind that God knows everyone’s name -- there isn't a single person He cannot put a name with a face. That truth gives me such rest and peace

"And the LORD said to Moses,
'I will do the very thing you have asked,
because I am pleased with you and
I know you by name"
Exodus 33:17

My Creator knows my name; He knows who I am inside, my soul, my longings, my desires, my fears. Isn't that what we as humans want? To be known. I find such hope in the fact that my Savior truly knows me and accepts me, like a husband would know and accept his wife, or as anyone who would know and accept a close friend. He knows when we hurt, when we feel pain. His knowledge far surpasses just our name. He knows the depths of us and sees who we really are, and yet loves us the same. Knowing this gives me such joy and peace. It makes me want to know the heart of my Savior that much more, because He knows me too well.

WHY WORRY?!

I am a worry wart. I worry about almost everything. My parents tell me I am subtracting days from my life because I worry so much and that it raises my blood pressure. I try to hide the fact that I am a worrier and play it off that I am just concerned about a particular situation. I grew up knowing the infamous Steve Green kids song or jingle "Do Not Worry", inspired from the verses in Matthew 6:25-34, it is still stuck in my head and yet I can't seem to put it into practice. ((add cheery, childish harmonies to the lyrics below))

"Do not worry about tomorrow;
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink.
Is not life more important than food
and a body more than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap,
or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them!
Do not worry about tomorrow. "

I know not to worry. I know in my head that it's technically a sin to worry. When one worries, they are basically telling God "I don't trust that You will take care of my needs". So why do I worry so much!? Because I’m human and “my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak” (worship throwback). Satan knows I am a worrier so he takes any chance he has to make me worry. I hate it. I know in my heart I trust God and know He has a perfect plan for me, but I need to so desperately curve my worrying to resting in the Truth. I need to put into practice my ability to trust God wholly, by not worrying.. I love in Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse that was on almost every one of my graduation cards) the promise God gives to us, He KNOWS my plans, He promises me a hope and a future in Him. All over scripture God not only commands us not to worry and trust in Him, but gives us comfort that we aren't alone. If God is always with us, we never have to be afraid. In Acts 18, God tells Paul in a vision not to be afraid, because He was with him. God opened my heart, eyes, ears, mind, and soul this weekend to what I need to work on in my far from perfect life. God commands me not to worry, therefore I must not worry. It's as simple as that. I want to have a renewed spirit and mindset and a trust in my Creator that I can't even find room to worry. One more quote, I love how William Cowper put it in this poem about our Creator - it's so powerful how God does move in mysterious ways and all I have to do is sit back and wait patiently ... with out worrying what tomorrow will bring.

"Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower."

quickie

I have so much on my mind tonight. God spoke right to me tonight about fear. It was such a God thing because Jim spoke about fear in beta this morning, and I shrugged it off as something I already knew and have heard too many times. and in 'big chruch' Pastor Doug spoke on having peace in God. Then at lighthouse Cliff talked about fear too ... I have some things I need to take care of. I will add more tomorrow at work or something when I have time, right now I am supposed to be doing my homework, but I got distracted (that happens a lot). One more thought, I love the song God Only Knows by Joy Williams ... "[I'm] in one of those seasons everything seems to go so wrong ... God only knows all [my] broken pieces & He's holding onto [me]"

*Rich Mullins & the sound of rain are putting me to sleep, when I know I have to do school work.

Don't we all want to be Belle?

I don't want to come across as cheesy or cliché. I hate to sound like the annoying girl that is obsessed with love and finding the right guy, only watches chick flicks and reads about being pursued and what not. If one thing is certain, it’s that I am not that girl, and yet I so hate to admit it … today I am. It could be due to the fact that I am currently reading the book Captivating (which makes ever girl feel and want to be more girlie) or that I just watched Beauty and the Beast, I don't know ... but this, this is something, very out of character for me - I am the one that doesn't ever get emotional about anything, hates drama, is not by any means into 'girly' things, has never had a boyfriend, hates shopping, and doesn't think boys need to fill/waste a girls life till both parties are ready to walk down the aisle. But sooner or later these non-girly characteristics will be over shadowed by the truth of the matter ... I am a girl, therefore I have the right (wow, that sounds like I am a feminist now ..) and am entitled to carry on "normal" girl dreams and behaviors. Okay, so that was the introduction or the setting of the stage to my slight dilemma or concern ... I Courtney Lyn Fillmore; need and must learn to accept and embrace life alone (for this season of life), so I can become in love with only Christ – finding fulfillment for life in Him.

I am reading Captivating as mentioned, this book is so insightful and has given me too much to chew on. It states things women may or may not want to hear - about how women often hide themsleves in the church and don't show who they really are. It offers that women shouldn't be turned off by the fact that they are a woman, because of the value God places on women. It drives home the fact that every woman is in need of want and belonging - without choosing to be too needy. It sheds light on the truth that every girl longs to be captivating, beautiful, seen, or noticed and how to become captivating to Christ, ultimatly making you captivating to the right guy. Its goal is to shape women in a way that they can fall in deep love and belonging with the Creator of only good things. This is where daughters of Eve can find their identity if they so choose, in the One that gave them the thoughts of longing to be loved, wanted, pursued, and valued.

Therefore, I can say that's what I feel, that's what I want and desire. Its getting there that's tough, being completely content with the Creator until I am fit for one He may (or may not) give me. Trying to be okay with doing life with God first, before adding someone else into the picture. To be loved and desired and pursued is something every girl (whether she admits it or not)... and if there is One that is already pursuing her, why does she long for an earthly pursuit? God is enough and will be enough to keep me content until He adds a guy my life. I just want to be head over heals for the One that created me, all the while the Enemy is so trying to pull me down. With his lies that he puts into my head, things I know aren't right, aren't true like - "God isn't enough, so fill your time with other things, God can't satisfy you, so don't even bother getting to know Him", or things like; "you're not good enough to be pursued". The Enemy attacks every girl with these thoughts I know, but because I have been in this 'girly' mind-set, I feel that, these thoughts are exactly what he is attacking me with ... how annoying right?

I just want to be consumed by God, so that the doubtful thoughts the Enemy feeds into me will subside. As I was watching Beauty and the Beast, I couldn’t help but notice the fact that the Beast fought for Belle. He offered to protect her first from wolves and then later from Guston - the slimy 'villain'. Just as the Beast fought and sought out Belle, God does the same for me and every other girl that longs to be loved and wanted. God wants me. God loves me. God fought for me, and continues to fight for me. So my hearts cry is that I will learn to vulnerable with God in way that I can allow Him to fill me up in a way that everything I do and say will be for His glory. God allow me to live happily ever after with You, casting all else aside. God allow me to be totally content with just You God, I pray that I would encounter You fullstop, in a way that people see only You in me.

1992

I love this picture. it reminds me of my childhood and how care free life used to be. "the older I get,the more I appreciate my childhood ... It was paradise. "

perspective

I am so blessed.

blessed to be a child of God. blessed with a family that loves me and for the most part is solid (not perfect by any means). blessed to live where I live. blessed to worship my Creator freely. blessed to be fed and not hunger. blessed with solid friends. blessed to have clean water to drink. blessed to live in America. blessed to have a job. blessed with good health. blessed to be where I am right now in life. blessed to have not experienced a broken heart. blessed with new mercies and grace every time I wake. blessed to have a car that runs. blessed to have the education I have been given. blessed to have sight and sound. blessed to have a twin. blessed to have a mom that gives good advice and wants what's best for me. blessed to have hard working parents. blessed with opportunity. blessed with shoes to wear. blessed to have things I could live without. blessed to wake up this morning. blessed with what I have, though my selfish mind set says it's not enough. blessed to have a bed to sleep in. blessed to be able to serve. blessed to have breathe. blessed to be alive.

the list obviously goes on, and on, and on. these happened to be on the top of my head. so I was able to go over to Canada for a few days with two lovely girls for my spring break - more like almost spring break ... it's not quite spring. we stayed at Emily's grandmas house - free of charge and cleaner. she recently lost her husband unexpectedly, so it was so great to be able to spend time with her, getting her mind off things as she transitions from living life for so long with her best friend to suddenly living life without him there. I can imagine it's been hard for her, but I can rest in the fact that she finds rest and comfort in the ultimate giver of rest and peace. God calls us to look after the widows and orphans so why not do as God calls me and invest time and company into a widow who is suffering hurt I've never experienced. needless to say, it was truly a blessing to be able to spend time with my newly adopted grandma ... thanks for sharing Emily : ) as we were in Canada, we of course took time to go into Toronto to see the city. I love the city, any city, with tall buildings, busyness of business people, traffic, bad smells, store fronts, culture, stop lights, walking .... everything about cities I love. the only thing that makes me sick when I go into a city is the bad that come out of it. often times, cities are immune to drugs, prostitution, gangs, or violence. the most disturbing one is homelessness. I've seen my share of homeless people, you don't have to go far in any direction from my driveway to see that there is a need and a large sum of people without a place to call home or somewhere warm to rest their head. we walked to the Eaton Centre where people spend thousands of dollars on clothes that give them status and food that makes them fat. as we waited at a corner light, there was a homeless man literally laying on the cold, hard, uncomfortable cement, under some kind of tarp, and certainly no pillow - and he wasn't the only one we saw in our journey's. I've seen people beg for money in Detroit, and people laying on the streets of New York city in the hot heat of July, but honestly not that close to my feet, and not at such a cold time of the year. I was so taken back by this sight that it about made me sick. the fact that where I live and there in Toronto, people live 'normal' lives everyday with their coffee makers and alarm clocks going off, while people are laying on cold cement. and I know this isn't new to society, or new to me for that fact, but it just caught me off guard. it makes me want to serve those who are on the streets, I want them to find and see Hope, I want them to know that no matter what they've done or been through, they are still worth something to a Heavenly father. it also made me put my life into perspective. it opened my eyes to see what I have and not taking it for granted. God has given me too much and so often I selfishly feel it's not enough. when will we [myself included] stop being brats about what we don't have and stop to serve and think of those around us with nothing except lost hopes and dreams....

inspire inˈspīrverb [ trans. ]1 fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative : [ trans. ] his passion for romantic literature inspired him to begin writing [as adj. ] ( inspiring) so far, the scenery is not very inspiring. See note at encourage .• create (a feeling, esp. a positive one) in a person : their past record does not inspire confidence.• ( inspire someone with) animate someone with (such a feeling) :he inspired his students with a vision of freedom.• give rise to : the movie was successful enough to inspire a sequel.

the truth hurts.

[EDIT: this post may be a result of thee femimine cycle;
sometimes I get cranky & conscious of my insecurities.]
my life right now seems to be going through the motions.
it doesn't seem exciting or thrilling at all, dull is the word.
my life is staying steady, not moving.
it's like I re-live the same day over and over again.
the same is happening between me and God.
Satan is attacking my spirit.
I feel weak and weary, worn down.
I need to find rest in You.
I'm not moving forward, nor backwards.
just staying at the same boring speed.
it's kind of like a 'stand-still' or a game of freeze tag.
and here I am waiting to be tagged.

God let me come alive in You. Allow me to find fullness of life in You again. I thought after last weekend things would be different, as they stay the same. Free me of worry and fear. Breathe Your living breath of life back into me. You never leave me or forsake me, even when I feel this way, let me see Your face. Give me a lively, vibrant, exciting walk with You again. If You are for me, who can be against me? Do a good work in me. I'm coming back to You, You loved me first, now let my soul long for You!

Find rest my soul
Confess your grieving
Surrender all
Embrace your healing
I will cast my cares
For You have always cared
You are greater, greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my hope is in,
You are brighter, breaking thru the night
Lighting up my sightI have seen my rest is in You

We're going to Miami ...

It's official. Lindsay and I are going to Miami, FL at the end of August. For Hillsong United's Encoutrer Conference! ... amazing worship, amazing time.

slacking a bit.

Back in the day, I used to be really good about updating ... now with the new semester and work I feel like I never have time for this or anything important to say. School is busy as usual, more work actually this semester I feel. Oh well, so this summer I may be able to part-time nanny and still be able to work at the library..which would be sweet. My twin and me FINALLY got a new car ... with our own money and everything :) we are so stoked about it, it has been two months almost since we've been without a car of our own .. which is hard to working out schedules and getting around. So we feel really blessed to finally have one, making life a little easier. This past week I spent a lot of time with girlfriends, which is so refreshing and delightful.. or just another reminder that I don't need a guy in my life right now anyway. I love sharing what's on my heart, then in turn really do love listening to what is on their hearts. I just love talking till you can no longer say anything or are asked to leave because it's to late, thankfully that only happened three times this week...once at Applebee’s, Panera, and then Barnes & Nobles. That's when you have to resort to the car. Truthfully, not as comfortable and sometimes wastes gas just so you can stay warm, but I have to say it was totally worth it in the end. What can I say; I love 'heart to hearts'. Well anyway, I so wish I had something deep and profound to say but I don't. I will say this though, God is so good - which we so easily forget and I feel we easily underestimate His excellence. He moves within us and around daily we just have to seek Him and He offers us new mercies everyday, even when we so don't deserve it!
- God You are so good to me.

I forgot how much I love this

passage, so I thought I would share...

"... I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:5-9

short & sweet

in a world that is so enthralled with looks, appearances, money, or keeping up with the Jones’s - which is so prevalent in the area I live, with the name brands covering each kid that walks into where I work, it’s sad that people think that money and status will satisfy... it's good to know that some people still want to make a difference in the world around them, not worrying about what people think. so this weekend was cold as I'll get, which I still dislike greatly, but I learn to deal .. I'm just happy to have a warm place to rest my head at night. so anyway, last night I got be part of something bigger than myself, which is always a good feeling. wsm [Woodside student ministry] hosted a volley ball tourney, where each team had to raise a certain about of money just to play and on top of that, prizes were given to those who raised the most money. the money is going directly to a orphanage that our church has in Thailand, where children are rescued from a life of sex trade and agony. as of today there are twenty-five children there, and hopefully twenty-five more this year. all together the high school students alone raised $7,000, not including concessions and other donations through the night. God was truly shown, seeing that we were only expecting maybe 2,500. it's just cool to see students spend their Saturday night (really snowy & bad roads at that) having fun playing volleyball, unifying as the body of Christ, and helping the children of Thailand. Besides helping those across the earth, my sister helped out at the homeless bbq downtown yesterday.. which I for one would really love to do, if I ever get a Saturday off! So yeah, anyway I love seeing/hearing about people doing things like that, it makes me smile. In other news, I started reading the Bible starting in Genesis & Matthew – at the same time. It’s the coolest thing ever, if you can get yourself through the genealogies, the Bible honestly is so intriguing and has totally captivated me, a lot more than I thought. Other worthy for mentioning news, me and Lindsay are going to Miami in April … I know I can’t believe it either. We both love & need adventure in our lives, so why not take the plunge. Finally, God is truly invading, captivating, and mending my heart. I love to see God moving and at work.

marriage & second chances

the phrase second chances has gained a whole new meaning tonight.

as we ring in another new year, we always seem to ring in a slew of second chances along with a fresh start, a clean slate. not as if new years is the only time we get another chance, life is made/filled with second chances. God has chosen to give me [us] second chances (His never ending love, mercy & grace) .. to say second would be bogus in actuality, it's honestly more like, a trillionth chance - you get the gist. so tonight Cliff opened by asking how our two thousand & eight was light heartedly; going over his top tens of the year. .. then nailed us with "how was your marriage [in two thousand & eight]?". when he first said this I know I wasn't the only one (or maybe I was, it takesme a second or so to process things .. ha) that thought it was a weird thing to ask, seeing that maybe 10 percent - if that, of the people at lighthouse on a regular basis are married ... so I for one didn't really find this relevant at first. then he went on explaining how basicaly as a follower of the Creator we are in a sense 'married' to Christ. we are the Bible says, His bride after all, “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride [the Church] has made herself ready.” Revelation 19:7.

I mean, I hear this analogy all the time, but I never grasped it the way I did tonight. as Cliff spoke of how we are in this intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe, he referred to his and Anges relationship, or any married couples relationship. he went into the example of our sin basically being lust towards another or having an affair while we are married and how we can find freedom in a pure and holy marriage. yet knowing that, we often times continue down our dangerous path of sin with the mentality of "He will always forgive me, no matter what we do". when you think of our sin as committing adultery ... it takes a whole different meaning, or to me it does. I mean I am not married .. yet, but I cannot imagine the hurt, the angst, the utter disappointment and the feeling of inadequacy that I as a wife or a man as a husband would feel if the one closest to them, the one they has once found satisfaction in was to cheat on them. to me, that would be so horrible and think to myself, well I would never let that happen if I were married ... yet it’s as if I am [all of us] committing adultery against my [our] heavenly Husband on a daily, continual basis and the worst part is that we don’t even realize it when we are lukewarm on the fence Christians. we go on in our dirty ways of sin and don’t even think of who we are cheating on -- the Creator of the universe. we are telling our spouse; "You are no longer good enough for me, You no longer satisfy my needs, I can live without you, after all You are the one that married me and I know You still love me, You will always forgive me". okay, this is such a dangerous way of life. it’s obvious that a marriage will not and cannot last when one of the spouses is constantly cheating ... marriages build on knowing the other so deeply that you cannot live without the other. in marriage, you get to know the other by effective communication, going through life with them. as Christians - brides of Christ, we are called to live our married life getting to know our Husband, through communication or prayer and go through life with Him, gaining knowledge of how He works by staying close to the Word. in Psalms 37 we find how we are called to live and go on committed to our Husband or our LORD & Savior Jesus Christ ...

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God just completely opened my eyes, and my heart tonight, that I am in dyer need of renewing my vows - not just verbally, I have to take action as well; constantly getting to know my Husband on a much much more intimate level through His word and by talking to Him ... how many married couples do you know that don’t talk, not many and if they don’t talk it’s not a good sign of a thriving marriage. also, by forsaking all others that would cause me to cheat on Him. what perfect timing, a new year, a fresh start to a renewed marriage. I thought of it like this, it’s like I met my Husband in 1995 [when I accepted Christ], we casually dated through elementary school and middle school - just figuring each other out. in high school our relationship sort of picked up, we got a tad more serious, we got married [I rededicated my life to Christ before high school], but we weren’t moving to fast. I thought I knew my Husband, but really He knew me better, He knew my weaknesses, He knew we would hit rough patches, so He waited for me. He waited there when I painfully cheated on Him, and time after time, He took me back as I begged for His forgiveness and wanted back into the marriage. then it took me till I was in college to see how I had hurt my Husband and realized how our marriage should be from now on. God has really been moving in my life for the past couple of weeks, and I am finally seeing my flaws, my mistakes, the times I’ve cheated. two thousand & nine Lord willing, marks my year of renewal, recharging, genesis', second chances at a marriage that means way to much to see it crumble. because no one is perfect, my marriage, just as everyone elses will have its moments, there will be times when I [and everyone else] will be tempted to lust or to cheat on my spouse, but my [our] Spouse thankfully doesn’t believe in divorce and paid way to big of a debt [His death on a cross] to see our marriage fall apart. therefore He, our Spouse always welcomes us, His bride back for a second chance and two thousand & nine is my second chance to strive for a well rounded and thriving marriage.

one more thing, Cliff mentioned opening to a part of scripture [Psalm 37] and when I went to flip to it, it was already marked. the card that was "book marking" it was an index card we were given around thanksgiving time during Sunday school and were asked to write what we were most thankful for in terms of our relationship with God, mine said “I am thankful for Gods mercy and grace. and for the second chances He offers”. it was for sure a God thing ... my God is not a god of luck or chance, He proves Himself right in front of us if we look for Him. my God is at work in my heart.