here I come!

here I come Michigan. I'm moving back [what?!],

after a semester in Chicago, I'm coming back... for good!

- - -

ahh! life is funny sometimes, right!?

since arriving in Chicago, I've had a difficult time adjusting. I've been restless, confused, annoyed, unhappy and discouraged. I thought the home-sickness would go away. I thought things would get better. I thought since I was supposed to be here, it didn't matter whether or not I was happy. I thought a free education would be easier to pay for. I thought a lot of things and then realized all of my thoughts were wrong. and the longer I was here the more I couldn't see myself being here for four more years. which of course gave me a mind set of failure and disappointment. I must have failed and gotten it all wrong... if after a long process of getting here, I am having second guesses!!

I started praying out of confusion and frustration... assuming my second guessing was just my emotions talking. I began to ask/beg God to heal my restless heart, to take away my fears, to fill me with hope, give me new perspective -- because I could not become a failure or quitter.  I didn't want to entertain the idea of coming home for good. so I kept pushing the idea away. but the more I prayed the more I had peace and understanding about coming home. I realized [again] I wasn't in control and that in the end, God's plans are better than the ones I try to map out and aimlessly travel on ............ bottom line: over the last few months God has taught me a lot about myself / others / relying on Him / stepping out. I've met some amazing people, explored a new city, checked things off my bucket list, tried something new, followed God where He led me, learned a lot of patience and was of course reminded that I still don't like to do homework. I also realized instead of just being/existing in school, I could actually continue to LIVE life at the same time I am studying AND save money! crazy right?! why didn't I think of this two years ago?!

so here I go, I'm starting another adventure! in Michigan this time [or wherever God takes me next]! AND I have a lot of peace about it, but again totally not what I was expecting at all!! I'm excited and super open to whatever God has next for me. I am stoked to have the chance to be home, while still getting equipped with an education. I am also VERY thankful for everyone that believed in me and supported me with love, encouragement and prayer[s] as I made this initial move.  I was not in Chicago for a season by mistake.... God revealed things to me that I couldn't have grasped stuck at home. I am also still a firm believer in the fact that God's timing is in deed perfect :) I no longer see this as giving up or as a failed plan, rather as giving in... to whatever God wants for my life.... and being content with whatever it may be. thank you JESUS for not seeing me as a failure, instead choosing to use me in any situation I'm thrown in. life is so unplanned & not what I expected .... but a twist in a plot always makes for a better story!

lets leap [again]

hi blog. remember me!? me neither. who am I!?! I use to be so faithful once upon a time.

during this seemingly silent blog season, there has been many, many, many, many, many, many [getting the point?] growing pains, lots of blind faith, determination, confusion, pain, sin struggle, learning, anxiety, crying, darkness, weakness, adjusting, not really living life... oh wait I was feeling this way a year ago too, but for different reasons?! what's happening God, this wasn't supposed to happen!!

all that to say. God is up to something [again] and I am just going to stop setting unrealistic exceptions on things I want out of life, because this far -- NONE of my expectations on life have come to fruition or seem to ever measure up in my messy thought life.

things I'm sure of; I find myself in yet another season of neeeeeding to get the heck out of the boat of fear, that is holding me back from actually LIVING my life and walk on the water again -- more blind faith & trust than before. and it's time to accept the fact that no matter how uncomfortable it may be, unexpected twists in a plot will ALWAYS make for a more exciting story. here's the pen back God, I'm done trying to write my life out.

lets leap [again]