mood: mooooody

OKAY. So update, I heard back from MBI ... didn't get accepted, didn't get declined, didn't get offered other options. I was just told to wait.

HONESTLY, GOD!? WAIT?! MORE WAITING?!

Want to hear what is going on in my head right now.... What the HECK. Am I STILL not FULLY grasping the patience thing?! [I consider myself PRETTY patient at this point in my life... 22 years old & still never had a boyfriend, still living at home, still waiting for direction on the next step -- have these things NOT taught me enough patience so far?!] What am I doing wrong?! Why am I not getting a clear answer, when I was expecting it!? What is God trying to teach me?! What could it possibly be, that is making a clear decision for my next phase of life be so difficult?! Why is it taking this long if I have PURE intentions to wanting a Bible degree?! I want to BUILD the Kingdom. If Moody isn't the avenue that's supposed to happen, doesn't it seem like I'm just wasting my time?! Why was I supposed to apply there in the first place?!

What is it?! Speak! Tell me! Just tell me already!?

Hey human nature, it's time to cue all of the doubt, questions, anxiety, stress, depression & anger... guess what it is ALL creeping in right on time. Where is God? Why isn't He answering/showing me where to go?!

I was TRYING to see God in all of this by reminding myself of ALL the times so far in my life that HE has shown up & not in small ways, but HUGE ways. I can say that I have SEEN God the ways that Moses has seen Him. I have experienced His grace in ways that the unclean woman has. I know that I know, that I know He is who He says He is. --- but it's difficult to REALLY believe that in my heart. My mind knows and my heart has known, but is having a hard to remembering His Truth/Ways/Love/Grace.

I'm not sure whether to consider this part, chapter, season a STORM? I'm so confused.

I KNOW that I am here for a HUGE purpose, I am an OVERCOMER since birth and the 12 inch scar down my chest reminds me daily... He has OVERCOME, so I could have a chance to OVERCOME ... that's enough of a reminder to know that I have purpose & a call on my life, but how does He want me to carry our HIS purpose for my life?! He didn't allow me to overcome for nothing!

Now what? Keep waiting?

Move forward with the OTHER options?

Can the MBI idea all together?

God remind me of who You are and who I've seen You as.... I KNOW Your provision/love/care/heart ... remind me ... reveal Yourself to me AGAIN ... get me out of this darkness ... revive me ... restore me ... redeem me

too much me, more of YOU.

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in the time of writing this & being annoyed, I've been listening to Shawn McDonald on shuffle... God ALWAYS speaks to me through music lyrics and especially through SHUFFLE... often when I'm needing to hear from Him, a song comes on and basically reminds me of who He is or encourages me...

AND every Shawn Mac song that has played randomly so far, has totally been either what I'm thinking or how I feel... I'm not even kidding and this one just now REALLY struck me, cause this is me!?

How can we know so much

Yet still be so out of touch

And how we miss the point

When its all about, all about Love

/\ I know so much of how God is and how His ways aren't our ways, but I'm still feeling out touch and I'm missing the point that it has NOTHING about me, it's just about Him/Love.!?

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I actually accidently found this passage this morning while flipping to 1 John ... found it fitting to my current situation ... 2 Peter 1v3-11

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as I'm doing the last edit on this post, his song Take Hold came ... another good reminder of course.

There is no hope up in your eyes,
as if the blue had left your skies,
The sadness fills you cheeks of stone,
Maybe you believe you are alone.

Your face is shone with quiet despair,
as if this was what you chose to wear,
Your sin you strap upon your chest,
as if there was no longer rest, longer rest.

Take hold, don't give up.
You gotta make the best of what you got,
Give it all you best shot,
Take hold, don't give up.

Your heart seems to have hit the floor,
but I do believe you're meant to soar,
The enemy's wounds, they must go deep,
but I pray the Lord your soul to keep.

There is no taking back those days a gone,
But now it's your chance just to move on.
Make the best of the life you live,
'Cause before Him you soon will give.
You soon will give

end for now.

very moody

this afternoon it dawned on me how long it's been since I've applied to Moody! I started the application in August, turned it in September and still have no idea if I've gotten in. it made me so discouraged and frustrated that it's taken THIS LONG! plus it's SO intimidating to think about what's next in my life... moving to Chicago? staying in Michigan? moving back to Australia? other school options? other job options?

frustrating!


but then God reminded me of some things...

God has a sense of humor... once again using a major life decision to teach me lots & lots of patience. it's also teaching me that God is a lot bigger than the plans I plan for myself. we can only do so much to plan/prepare, the rest is [cliche-ly] placed in His hands.

so I'm trying to find the freedom that can be found in the fact that I have NO idea what my life will look like in six months or in six years. just trying to remind myself that the unknown is FUN / EXCITING / ADVENTUROUS ... all I have to do is sit back & let God lead me to all of my where/what/who/when's of life.

praying for peace / understanding / wisdom today ...
I'll need all of that IF I get into Moody
and IF I don't get into Moody.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
- 1 peter 5:6-1

Now what?

I applied to Moody...again.
Round two. Deja Vu of my senior year of high school. It's kind of cool to think about how different my application essays are from almost FOUR years ago. I would not change anything about the last three years. Life has been exactly how God wanted it to. I met the people I needed to meet, saw the places I needed to see, and experienced God in ways I will never forget. The amount of growth that has happened in my heart is pretty crazy. To think of what God has allowed me to experience since 2008 is nuts! So now what? Time for the waiting game! Wait & trust God knows what He's doing.

as of late.

I went to Chicago last weekend. Hung out with sweet people. Was followed by drunk Polish adolescence. Saw the city bloomed and blossomed thanks to my friend, Spring. Enjoyed the sunshine. Ate expensive food. Took lots and lots of snap-shots. Worshiped with Hillsong United, for the second time. Saw the Spirit move through a crowd of 10,000+. Got little, to no sleep. Had a l o n g car ride home -- flat tire = adventure. Twas' a good weekend.

my future decided?

“my dreams are set in stone and 

someday I’ll be who I want to be, for now I’ll wait"

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future.....future defined as: college major (yet, I am already in college?!), where to transfer after next year, moving out, having to buy a ‘new-to-me’ car ... eek, what kind of job will I have one day, what to do this summer -- making money or counseling at lake ann camp, still wanting to get married/wanting a family to take care of one day, longing to go to over seas, wanting to live somewhere warm or at least before I die, perhaps re-applying to Moody Chicago or not ...

decisions, decisions, decisions ... pondering, 'where do I see myself five years from now?' It’s hard to picture what the next five years could hold, because today I don’t even know what tomorrow will hold. I have so many dreams and expectations for my future but I can’t even come up with a major to focus on for the next four years ... I can’t say I am a planner in my personal life, however I have to know everything that is going to happen next. I like to know what is next on the list of to-do’s for the day. I read the last chapter of books & google movie plots before I go see it -- I just like to know what to expect. Only God knows where I will be in five years and it’s up to me to wholly surrender to His plan, it is comforting to know that His plans for my life are bigger and better than the dreams I have.
I can’t settle on expectations or things I want to happen, I need to loosen up the reins and let God steer my life...and stop worrying about where tomorrow will lead, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” (Matt. 6:34) ... this concept is so hard for me, it's like living for God is life with out an agenda - because He takes you on a lot of unexpected twists and turns. I don’t like to think of myself as a “worried” person... I prefer the word concerned or aware of what will happen next ... but instead I want to exist to live for today and find excitement in not knowing what’s next.

things I am certain of; I am SO thankful for the new mercies that wash over me every morning, I really do have an amazing family who excepts my human flaws, I am blessed beyond words -- even when I don’t realize it during the valleys of life, and I have a Creator that allows me to sit back and watch while He paints a perfect masterpiece. >>>> so why am I so worried/nervous/anxious about the future?!

God please use me today, as You define my tomorrow.

MOODY BIBLE INSTITUTE

I got into Moody Bible Institute.

only catch, not the Chicago campus - the Spokane, WA campus

So needless to say God closed that door.

_____________________________________________

tentative plan b/dream #2
two years at community college to save money so I can move out.

after the two years, me and my sister plan on moving to tennessee to finish school there

(not sure where yet), then hopefully live in the nashville area

to pursue a career in the music business.

thanksgiving

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

I have a lot to write about, not enough time in a day.
This week/weekend has been crazy & stressful, in a good way!
All I have to say is, thank God for family & the state police.
This upcoming week is going to be even crazier though.
I am FINALLY sending in my Moody application.
And I have to take finals and go to work....busy busy busy.

* pictures here or here

life is good.

Moody?

words can't begin to describe what I am feeling right now...
I was able to visit some potential colleges and universities this week there were things I liked and disliked about all of them, but Moody Bible Institute definitely made it to the top of my list of options - for where I will soon be furthering my education. I was blown away by different experiences I had, as I stayed there for two days and nights. I was encouraged through the worship service, my friend Adrienne, and my youth pastor. The students and staff were amazing...each person I met was super friendly and noticeably in love with their Creator. Set right in downtown Chicago made for a beautiful campus and wonderful shopping! Testimonials - if you will, of the students there following God's call for them to be involved in different kinds of ministries were wonderful. So that takes me to where I am right now...I need to trust in God as I begin to make decisions in where I want to go to school and what I want my adult life to look like.

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"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6