uh.

Uh, it's kind of funny how when you FINALLY have what you think you wanted [love/adventure/achievement], but you don't feel the way you thought you were supposed to feel...once you get to that point. what a let down, right?

...a calling starts to feel like a punishment and what was once a day-dream begins to feel like an obligation.

Uh, there's absolutely nothing in this entire world that will ever truly satisfy the human soul/being.

this world obviously has nothing for me. give me Jesus, that's all I need.

of course, I'm excited to travel to new places, meet new faces and follow/encounter God in CRAZY ways, I'm just realizing that even fulfilling dreams God set/blessed aside for me won't satisfy...only HE can truly satisfy.

here's to a bitter & sweet future.
I'm glad God's in control of it.
now I just have to simply
continue on, no turning back.

"You can never be the same after the unveiling of a truth [will/path/call on your life]. That moment marks you as one who either continues on with even more devotion as a disciple of Jesus Christ, or as one who turns to go back as a deserter."

1993

adult conversation

Mmm...I want to know, what ever happened to talking about things that don't truly matter in the grand scheme of life? Oh yeah, we grew up... how did my normal everyday conversation shift from Barbies and jump rope to major life decisions so quickly!? Topics are now; traveling to another continent, careers, business, politics, and marriage. It makes me miss casual conversation in the sand box. Innocence seems to slip further and further away... it sounds dramatic, but it's so true. If this was twitter, I would #growningpains

Season of N O M A D - ness

Life is ch-ch-changing.

room at my parents B E F O R E moving out.6 months later ...
room at my parents A F T E R moving back.

Thanks mom + dad for always taking us back :)

I'm heading to the land down under.
If I get accepted for a visa that is.
$8,650 is the magic number.
Merely pocket change to God, right?

"I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

p h i l i p p i a n s 4:10-14 [MSG]

growing pain: home

It's a rainy Saturday morning at work. I am missing Saturday's when I was growing up. Before I knew the value of sleeping in. When Saturday automatically meant house-hold-chores for the first half of the day and enjoy-a-day-off the other half of the day. Before I could drive. The time I was care-free. When life was relatively easy.

When it was nice and sunny out. We would play outside until the sun went down. Only to come inside with dirt under our nails and a ton of bug bites. Going on adventurous bike rides through our neighbor hood. Running around our giant front and backyard. Taking the tire swing and turning it into a carnival ride, using the jungle gym. Creating a water-world with a hose, the swing set and the trampoline. Playing house in our giant built-just-for-us play house. Making cities out chalk on our driveway and riding our bikes through them, making stops to grocery shop at the "Grocery Store".

Then there were Saturdays that were rainy. Those days were spent inside. Inside the family room. A room designated just for movie watching, craft making, library book reading, barbie or doll house playing, and fort building. The deep dark blue comfy carpet was very inviting to play on, no matter the time of day. If we weren't in the family room, we were in the kitchen eating Chewy Granola bars for a snack or sitting up at the kitchen bar stools talking moms ear off while she made dinner. Sometimes we would play in our bedrooms, but pretty much only on the Saturdays where we had ventured to clean our rooms that very day...the only time a room was fun to play in was when it had just been cleaned (how ironic right?). Sometime we would just use the entire house to play in, running around or chasing each other from the bedrooms all the way to the family room (causing broken bones).

Thinking about my old house makes me remember too many memories; good, bad, happy, sad, exciting, scary...ultimately causing growing pains. I'm learning that it doesn't matter what roof is over your head, it's the people under that roof that make a house a home.

Random Rambles.

{FREEDOM}
Living on my own is such freedom! I love it! I can't believe it's real life now. It's kind of scary though how fast you really have to grow up when you live on your own. No more depending on the parents to buy things you know you need, but you've always took for granted because you never had to buy tolit paper or dish soap....mmm....I do love it though! It's proven to be such a fun adventure thus far. From moving out to moving in, painting, shopping, and organizing. Lindsay and I are having such fun with our own place, especially in a downtown area, where everything is in walking distances. *sigh* We love it! We feel super blessed too that we were able to make such a smooth move and transition! God has been too good to us!

{EXCITEMENT}
Can I just say life is SO exciting right now [& moving fast]...so much potential and possibilities. Seriously living "FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS".... I love this time of my life, experiencing true freedom really for the first time in my life -- not only in my everyday life & living on my own, but with God too! Speaking of where God has taken me, my Oasis small group has seriously grown up in the past few weeks and God is doing awesome things in the lives of my girls! At MOVE we had the best small group times ever, the girls really opened up and I learned a lot about them and from them, I love how God can use 12 year girls to teach me a lesson. My attitude towards serving in Oasis has totally changed too, it use to be such a headache and annoyance to try to sit down and have small group time [because settling 12 rowdy 6th graders down can be quit challenging], but as time has passed the girls have clearly gotten more mature and we're now able to make more use of the small amount of time we have every Wednesday night now! It's crazy to see where God has taken me up till this point in my life....it's been a crazy ride and I can't wait to see where HE takes me next!

{OTHER NEWS}
My photography business is going full force now and picking up momentum. Thanks to my sister and our good friend who unknowing to me set up my very own Facebook fan page! [facebook.com/cfillmorephoto] As of right now, I am still trying to finish an associates degree which sounds (& seems) super lame but it's something right!? ha. After that, hopefully I can travel a bit & serve over seas....then pretty much go full time with my photography....then again, these are my plans, we'll see where God takes me next.

"for HE has done marvelous things" ::: psalm 98

1992

I love this picture. it reminds me of my childhood and how care free life used to be. "the older I get,the more I appreciate my childhood ... It was paradise. "

my future decided?

“my dreams are set in stone and 

someday I’ll be who I want to be, for now I’ll wait"

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future.....future defined as: college major (yet, I am already in college?!), where to transfer after next year, moving out, having to buy a ‘new-to-me’ car ... eek, what kind of job will I have one day, what to do this summer -- making money or counseling at lake ann camp, still wanting to get married/wanting a family to take care of one day, longing to go to over seas, wanting to live somewhere warm or at least before I die, perhaps re-applying to Moody Chicago or not ...

decisions, decisions, decisions ... pondering, 'where do I see myself five years from now?' It’s hard to picture what the next five years could hold, because today I don’t even know what tomorrow will hold. I have so many dreams and expectations for my future but I can’t even come up with a major to focus on for the next four years ... I can’t say I am a planner in my personal life, however I have to know everything that is going to happen next. I like to know what is next on the list of to-do’s for the day. I read the last chapter of books & google movie plots before I go see it -- I just like to know what to expect. Only God knows where I will be in five years and it’s up to me to wholly surrender to His plan, it is comforting to know that His plans for my life are bigger and better than the dreams I have.
I can’t settle on expectations or things I want to happen, I need to loosen up the reins and let God steer my life...and stop worrying about where tomorrow will lead, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” (Matt. 6:34) ... this concept is so hard for me, it's like living for God is life with out an agenda - because He takes you on a lot of unexpected twists and turns. I don’t like to think of myself as a “worried” person... I prefer the word concerned or aware of what will happen next ... but instead I want to exist to live for today and find excitement in not knowing what’s next.

things I am certain of; I am SO thankful for the new mercies that wash over me every morning, I really do have an amazing family who excepts my human flaws, I am blessed beyond words -- even when I don’t realize it during the valleys of life, and I have a Creator that allows me to sit back and watch while He paints a perfect masterpiece. >>>> so why am I so worried/nervous/anxious about the future?!

God please use me today, as You define my tomorrow.

dream job*

ok so I am at work right now. what is work? - sitting at the 'help desk' in the computer center at my local public library. I am sitting at a marble half circle desk, monitoring six rounded tables with six computers each, all I hear is people typing and sound of busy traffic outside - as people take their lunch break, the air is really dry and I can't help sneezing, the sun is shining down through this huge (and I mean huge) sky light window that covers more than half of the room, I've been here since nine-thirty when the library opened, I have taken a few phone calls and only answered about three questions; "How do I make a copy using the copy machine?" , "How would I find the 'League of Woman’s Voters' website?", and "Do you know what major city is off of I- 75, and its not Mackinaw or Traverse City (using his 'Michigan' hand as a reference of course)?" ... answer being Gaylord Michigan - props to Google maps and fast internet. So this is my job ... seriously I am getting paid right now, sometimes I feel guilty because I am almost doing nothing! Normally I get all of my homework done while on the job (my boss said it was okay), so today I attempted to start writing a paper I have to write for my history class, but I forgot my book at home ... so now I am stuck here for one more hour with no homework to do … I kind of like this quiet, quiet is good to an extent; I have a big family so I am used to noise, which I like. Anyway, I am done rambling...

I hope everyone has a glorious day!