mood: mooooody

OKAY. So update, I heard back from MBI ... didn't get accepted, didn't get declined, didn't get offered other options. I was just told to wait.

HONESTLY, GOD!? WAIT?! MORE WAITING?!

Want to hear what is going on in my head right now.... What the HECK. Am I STILL not FULLY grasping the patience thing?! [I consider myself PRETTY patient at this point in my life... 22 years old & still never had a boyfriend, still living at home, still waiting for direction on the next step -- have these things NOT taught me enough patience so far?!] What am I doing wrong?! Why am I not getting a clear answer, when I was expecting it!? What is God trying to teach me?! What could it possibly be, that is making a clear decision for my next phase of life be so difficult?! Why is it taking this long if I have PURE intentions to wanting a Bible degree?! I want to BUILD the Kingdom. If Moody isn't the avenue that's supposed to happen, doesn't it seem like I'm just wasting my time?! Why was I supposed to apply there in the first place?!

What is it?! Speak! Tell me! Just tell me already!?

Hey human nature, it's time to cue all of the doubt, questions, anxiety, stress, depression & anger... guess what it is ALL creeping in right on time. Where is God? Why isn't He answering/showing me where to go?!

I was TRYING to see God in all of this by reminding myself of ALL the times so far in my life that HE has shown up & not in small ways, but HUGE ways. I can say that I have SEEN God the ways that Moses has seen Him. I have experienced His grace in ways that the unclean woman has. I know that I know, that I know He is who He says He is. --- but it's difficult to REALLY believe that in my heart. My mind knows and my heart has known, but is having a hard to remembering His Truth/Ways/Love/Grace.

I'm not sure whether to consider this part, chapter, season a STORM? I'm so confused.

I KNOW that I am here for a HUGE purpose, I am an OVERCOMER since birth and the 12 inch scar down my chest reminds me daily... He has OVERCOME, so I could have a chance to OVERCOME ... that's enough of a reminder to know that I have purpose & a call on my life, but how does He want me to carry our HIS purpose for my life?! He didn't allow me to overcome for nothing!

Now what? Keep waiting?

Move forward with the OTHER options?

Can the MBI idea all together?

God remind me of who You are and who I've seen You as.... I KNOW Your provision/love/care/heart ... remind me ... reveal Yourself to me AGAIN ... get me out of this darkness ... revive me ... restore me ... redeem me

too much me, more of YOU.

-----

in the time of writing this & being annoyed, I've been listening to Shawn McDonald on shuffle... God ALWAYS speaks to me through music lyrics and especially through SHUFFLE... often when I'm needing to hear from Him, a song comes on and basically reminds me of who He is or encourages me...

AND every Shawn Mac song that has played randomly so far, has totally been either what I'm thinking or how I feel... I'm not even kidding and this one just now REALLY struck me, cause this is me!?

How can we know so much

Yet still be so out of touch

And how we miss the point

When its all about, all about Love

/\ I know so much of how God is and how His ways aren't our ways, but I'm still feeling out touch and I'm missing the point that it has NOTHING about me, it's just about Him/Love.!?

----

I actually accidently found this passage this morning while flipping to 1 John ... found it fitting to my current situation ... 2 Peter 1v3-11

---

as I'm doing the last edit on this post, his song Take Hold came ... another good reminder of course.

There is no hope up in your eyes,
as if the blue had left your skies,
The sadness fills you cheeks of stone,
Maybe you believe you are alone.

Your face is shone with quiet despair,
as if this was what you chose to wear,
Your sin you strap upon your chest,
as if there was no longer rest, longer rest.

Take hold, don't give up.
You gotta make the best of what you got,
Give it all you best shot,
Take hold, don't give up.

Your heart seems to have hit the floor,
but I do believe you're meant to soar,
The enemy's wounds, they must go deep,
but I pray the Lord your soul to keep.

There is no taking back those days a gone,
But now it's your chance just to move on.
Make the best of the life you live,
'Cause before Him you soon will give.
You soon will give

end for now.

very moody

this afternoon it dawned on me how long it's been since I've applied to Moody! I started the application in August, turned it in September and still have no idea if I've gotten in. it made me so discouraged and frustrated that it's taken THIS LONG! plus it's SO intimidating to think about what's next in my life... moving to Chicago? staying in Michigan? moving back to Australia? other school options? other job options?

frustrating!


but then God reminded me of some things...

God has a sense of humor... once again using a major life decision to teach me lots & lots of patience. it's also teaching me that God is a lot bigger than the plans I plan for myself. we can only do so much to plan/prepare, the rest is [cliche-ly] placed in His hands.

so I'm trying to find the freedom that can be found in the fact that I have NO idea what my life will look like in six months or in six years. just trying to remind myself that the unknown is FUN / EXCITING / ADVENTUROUS ... all I have to do is sit back & let God lead me to all of my where/what/who/when's of life.

praying for peace / understanding / wisdom today ...
I'll need all of that IF I get into Moody
and IF I don't get into Moody.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
- 1 peter 5:6-1

speak now Jesus

a nice part of my job is getting the music ready for the weekend at church... therefore I get an in on what we will be singing, it's fun! I'm excited that we're singing this gem! I've been listening to it all week... it's literally exactly what I needed to hear this week.



Say the words and I will listen
Show Your way, impart Your wisdom
open up my ears to hear, open up my ears to hear

Speak now Jesus, speak into my heart
I am desperate to hear Your still small voice
I need to hear Your voice

The noise of life is overwhelming
Drowning out the truth that I need
Open up my ears to hear, open up my ears to hear

Speak now Jesus, speak into my heart
I am desperate to hear Your still small voice
I need to hear Your voice
Lead me Jesus, I need direction
I am so lost, without You guiding me.
I need to know Your peace.

When you speak I'll listen
Where you lead I'll go

Speak now Jesus, speak into my heart
I am desperate to hear Your still small voice
I need to hear Your voice
Lead me Jesus, I need direction
I am so lost, without You guiding me.
I need to know Your peace.

untitled

Abba Father,

I give up, trying to be strong is not working any more. Only You can be the strong I need right now. I am done trying to be in control of this situation. I am done crying empty hopeless tears. Lead me toward love. Grant me wisdom, to speak over the situation. Let me talk/walk/live in Truth. Let my dry bones be replaced with life. Speak into the silence I hear. Soften my heart. Breath upon the lifeless. Bring fourth your Spirit and healing to this place. Take my heart back to the place where I was in constant awe of You. Forgive my heart of doubt. Let me rest in Your arms. I trust in Your protection/comfort/provision, I don't need anymore signs that You are who You say you are! I want to be near to Your heart. I can't do this on my own, hear my plea. Mend my broken heart. Bring life/joy/gladness back into this place. Show me Your glory. Never once have we ever walked alone, You are faithful, God You are faithful.

love,
Your daughter.

¹ Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ² Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. ³ And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. ⁴ The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. ⁵ For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ ALL this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4

Now what?

I applied to Moody...again.
Round two. Deja Vu of my senior year of high school. It's kind of cool to think about how different my application essays are from almost FOUR years ago. I would not change anything about the last three years. Life has been exactly how God wanted it to. I met the people I needed to meet, saw the places I needed to see, and experienced God in ways I will never forget. The amount of growth that has happened in my heart is pretty crazy. To think of what God has allowed me to experience since 2008 is nuts! So now what? Time for the waiting game! Wait & trust God knows what He's doing.

freedom from fear.

"Do you trust me?" - God.

(Isaiah 53-54) 53¹ Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
⁴ Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all. ⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
⁸ By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was punished.
⁹ He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
¹¹ After he has suffered,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.















54 ¹ “Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.
² “Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
³ For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.

⁴ “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
⁶ The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
⁷ “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
⁸ In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD your Redeemer.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

faithful

“[Praise to the LORD] LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.”

_ Isaiah 25:1

uh.

Uh, it's kind of funny how when you FINALLY have what you think you wanted [love/adventure/achievement], but you don't feel the way you thought you were supposed to feel...once you get to that point. what a let down, right?

...a calling starts to feel like a punishment and what was once a day-dream begins to feel like an obligation.

Uh, there's absolutely nothing in this entire world that will ever truly satisfy the human soul/being.

this world obviously has nothing for me. give me Jesus, that's all I need.

of course, I'm excited to travel to new places, meet new faces and follow/encounter God in CRAZY ways, I'm just realizing that even fulfilling dreams God set/blessed aside for me won't satisfy...only HE can truly satisfy.

here's to a bitter & sweet future.
I'm glad God's in control of it.
now I just have to simply
continue on, no turning back.

"You can never be the same after the unveiling of a truth [will/path/call on your life]. That moment marks you as one who either continues on with even more devotion as a disciple of Jesus Christ, or as one who turns to go back as a deserter."

way-to-go

Tonight was my very last lighthouse...until I come home from Australia in JUNE!! How weird is that!? It felt funny to think that I'm not going to be amongst that group of people for six whole months! This situation I find myself in of literally preparing to leave everything I know and love behind is very... sad, exciting, nerve racking and rejuvenating -- all at the same time.

Of course Cliff's message was exactly what I needed to hear & the worship was exactly what my heart needed. The message was on b e i n g the Church, through discipleship & fellowship. Um, HELLO!! That's EXACTLY what I am going to do!? God is so cool in working things out, eh?!

As followers of Christ we're called to be disciples and to disciple others. Discipleship and fellowship go hang in hand, it involves investing and wanting to pour into anothers life.

Then he spoke about how as the body of Christ we're to do our part to expand the kingdom...in turn, creating disciples and a need for fellowship. We're to go to go the ends of the earth, making disciples, baptizing them in the Holy Spirit! It doesn't matter what our vocation is, if we're a follower of Christ, we're supposed to go the ends of where ever we're at...and that's exactly what I will be doing in three very short weeks. Actually going to the ends of the earth, as a disciple and to disciple...creating fellowship to expand the Kingdom :)

It was crazy how Cliff's message was just confirming that what I'm about take on this January is "from him and through him and to him ". I love how God uses others to speak directly to us! Tonight was such a great way-to-go.

Trouble Trusting

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I shall deliver you" (Ps. 50:15)

Oh wow. God is teaching me this a lot lately. EVEN when things don't go the way we think they should, God is still in control. When life seems unfair, God still wants to deliver us. Even in the hard times, God is still love. When we don't think we can, God can!

Trusting God is always easy when life is good and going the way we want it to. When we have the job, life, friends, and situation that we want or desire, it's easy to trust that God has our best interest in mind. After all, He has chosen to bless you with those things, your wants and desires. But when life doesn't go the way we want it to, we still have to trust that God has our best interest in mind and that HE will still bless us and provide for our needs. Going through valleys doesn't mean it's the end, it means it's the beginning of a beautiful God crafted story. Life would be boring if we couldn't tell a glory story in our lifetime. Jesus pardoned us with His blood, how much more are we deeply loved and cared for!?

Here are some sayings that are good reminders of God's love and mercy for us. We MUST trust Him. HE has our best interest in mind. He gives us EVERYTHING [& more than] we need. Besides, His LOVE is enough, it's more than we need.

//Rejection is God's protection.

//If it's God's will, it's God's bill.

Whether you've been rejected by a job that you KNEW you were going to get. Or if money doesn't seem to be growing on trees, God still/will take care of it. God knows what we need, when we need it. If we don't have it right now, we don't need it right now. God loves to teach us patience and perseverance through times like these!

keep calm & carry on.

landing in Miami last summer.

This is my life motto from now on. From this moment forward I have to simply keep calm & carry on. Such a good phrase to live by. Especially because I know how I am and how I handle stress.... I need to remind myself to keep calm in everything I do. mmm...cannot wait for the the deep sigh of relief I will be able to take when I walk into a Sydney terminal in 20 some days [that thought gives me chills... ehh... that's REALLY soon]... LORD give me strength & perseverance!