Don't we all want to be Belle?

I don't want to come across as cheesy or cliché. I hate to sound like the annoying girl that is obsessed with love and finding the right guy, only watches chick flicks and reads about being pursued and what not. If one thing is certain, it’s that I am not that girl, and yet I so hate to admit it … today I am. It could be due to the fact that I am currently reading the book Captivating (which makes ever girl feel and want to be more girlie) or that I just watched Beauty and the Beast, I don't know ... but this, this is something, very out of character for me - I am the one that doesn't ever get emotional about anything, hates drama, is not by any means into 'girly' things, has never had a boyfriend, hates shopping, and doesn't think boys need to fill/waste a girls life till both parties are ready to walk down the aisle. But sooner or later these non-girly characteristics will be over shadowed by the truth of the matter ... I am a girl, therefore I have the right (wow, that sounds like I am a feminist now ..) and am entitled to carry on "normal" girl dreams and behaviors. Okay, so that was the introduction or the setting of the stage to my slight dilemma or concern ... I Courtney Lyn Fillmore; need and must learn to accept and embrace life alone (for this season of life), so I can become in love with only Christ – finding fulfillment for life in Him.

I am reading Captivating as mentioned, this book is so insightful and has given me too much to chew on. It states things women may or may not want to hear - about how women often hide themsleves in the church and don't show who they really are. It offers that women shouldn't be turned off by the fact that they are a woman, because of the value God places on women. It drives home the fact that every woman is in need of want and belonging - without choosing to be too needy. It sheds light on the truth that every girl longs to be captivating, beautiful, seen, or noticed and how to become captivating to Christ, ultimatly making you captivating to the right guy. Its goal is to shape women in a way that they can fall in deep love and belonging with the Creator of only good things. This is where daughters of Eve can find their identity if they so choose, in the One that gave them the thoughts of longing to be loved, wanted, pursued, and valued.

Therefore, I can say that's what I feel, that's what I want and desire. Its getting there that's tough, being completely content with the Creator until I am fit for one He may (or may not) give me. Trying to be okay with doing life with God first, before adding someone else into the picture. To be loved and desired and pursued is something every girl (whether she admits it or not)... and if there is One that is already pursuing her, why does she long for an earthly pursuit? God is enough and will be enough to keep me content until He adds a guy my life. I just want to be head over heals for the One that created me, all the while the Enemy is so trying to pull me down. With his lies that he puts into my head, things I know aren't right, aren't true like - "God isn't enough, so fill your time with other things, God can't satisfy you, so don't even bother getting to know Him", or things like; "you're not good enough to be pursued". The Enemy attacks every girl with these thoughts I know, but because I have been in this 'girly' mind-set, I feel that, these thoughts are exactly what he is attacking me with ... how annoying right?

I just want to be consumed by God, so that the doubtful thoughts the Enemy feeds into me will subside. As I was watching Beauty and the Beast, I couldn’t help but notice the fact that the Beast fought for Belle. He offered to protect her first from wolves and then later from Guston - the slimy 'villain'. Just as the Beast fought and sought out Belle, God does the same for me and every other girl that longs to be loved and wanted. God wants me. God loves me. God fought for me, and continues to fight for me. So my hearts cry is that I will learn to vulnerable with God in way that I can allow Him to fill me up in a way that everything I do and say will be for His glory. God allow me to live happily ever after with You, casting all else aside. God allow me to be totally content with just You God, I pray that I would encounter You fullstop, in a way that people see only You in me.

1992

I love this picture. it reminds me of my childhood and how care free life used to be. "the older I get,the more I appreciate my childhood ... It was paradise. "

perspective

I am so blessed.

blessed to be a child of God. blessed with a family that loves me and for the most part is solid (not perfect by any means). blessed to live where I live. blessed to worship my Creator freely. blessed to be fed and not hunger. blessed with solid friends. blessed to have clean water to drink. blessed to live in America. blessed to have a job. blessed with good health. blessed to be where I am right now in life. blessed to have not experienced a broken heart. blessed with new mercies and grace every time I wake. blessed to have a car that runs. blessed to have the education I have been given. blessed to have sight and sound. blessed to have a twin. blessed to have a mom that gives good advice and wants what's best for me. blessed to have hard working parents. blessed with opportunity. blessed with shoes to wear. blessed to have things I could live without. blessed to wake up this morning. blessed with what I have, though my selfish mind set says it's not enough. blessed to have a bed to sleep in. blessed to be able to serve. blessed to have breathe. blessed to be alive.

the list obviously goes on, and on, and on. these happened to be on the top of my head. so I was able to go over to Canada for a few days with two lovely girls for my spring break - more like almost spring break ... it's not quite spring. we stayed at Emily's grandmas house - free of charge and cleaner. she recently lost her husband unexpectedly, so it was so great to be able to spend time with her, getting her mind off things as she transitions from living life for so long with her best friend to suddenly living life without him there. I can imagine it's been hard for her, but I can rest in the fact that she finds rest and comfort in the ultimate giver of rest and peace. God calls us to look after the widows and orphans so why not do as God calls me and invest time and company into a widow who is suffering hurt I've never experienced. needless to say, it was truly a blessing to be able to spend time with my newly adopted grandma ... thanks for sharing Emily : ) as we were in Canada, we of course took time to go into Toronto to see the city. I love the city, any city, with tall buildings, busyness of business people, traffic, bad smells, store fronts, culture, stop lights, walking .... everything about cities I love. the only thing that makes me sick when I go into a city is the bad that come out of it. often times, cities are immune to drugs, prostitution, gangs, or violence. the most disturbing one is homelessness. I've seen my share of homeless people, you don't have to go far in any direction from my driveway to see that there is a need and a large sum of people without a place to call home or somewhere warm to rest their head. we walked to the Eaton Centre where people spend thousands of dollars on clothes that give them status and food that makes them fat. as we waited at a corner light, there was a homeless man literally laying on the cold, hard, uncomfortable cement, under some kind of tarp, and certainly no pillow - and he wasn't the only one we saw in our journey's. I've seen people beg for money in Detroit, and people laying on the streets of New York city in the hot heat of July, but honestly not that close to my feet, and not at such a cold time of the year. I was so taken back by this sight that it about made me sick. the fact that where I live and there in Toronto, people live 'normal' lives everyday with their coffee makers and alarm clocks going off, while people are laying on cold cement. and I know this isn't new to society, or new to me for that fact, but it just caught me off guard. it makes me want to serve those who are on the streets, I want them to find and see Hope, I want them to know that no matter what they've done or been through, they are still worth something to a Heavenly father. it also made me put my life into perspective. it opened my eyes to see what I have and not taking it for granted. God has given me too much and so often I selfishly feel it's not enough. when will we [myself included] stop being brats about what we don't have and stop to serve and think of those around us with nothing except lost hopes and dreams....

inspire inˈspīrverb [ trans. ]1 fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative : [ trans. ] his passion for romantic literature inspired him to begin writing [as adj. ] ( inspiring) so far, the scenery is not very inspiring. See note at encourage .• create (a feeling, esp. a positive one) in a person : their past record does not inspire confidence.• ( inspire someone with) animate someone with (such a feeling) :he inspired his students with a vision of freedom.• give rise to : the movie was successful enough to inspire a sequel.