uh.

Uh, it's kind of funny how when you FINALLY have what you think you wanted [love/adventure/achievement], but you don't feel the way you thought you were supposed to feel...once you get to that point. what a let down, right?

...a calling starts to feel like a punishment and what was once a day-dream begins to feel like an obligation.

Uh, there's absolutely nothing in this entire world that will ever truly satisfy the human soul/being.

this world obviously has nothing for me. give me Jesus, that's all I need.

of course, I'm excited to travel to new places, meet new faces and follow/encounter God in CRAZY ways, I'm just realizing that even fulfilling dreams God set/blessed aside for me won't satisfy...only HE can truly satisfy.

here's to a bitter & sweet future.
I'm glad God's in control of it.
now I just have to simply
continue on, no turning back.

"You can never be the same after the unveiling of a truth [will/path/call on your life]. That moment marks you as one who either continues on with even more devotion as a disciple of Jesus Christ, or as one who turns to go back as a deserter."

h a p p y christmas.

“For to us a child is born...
HE will be c a l l e d
Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.”
_ i s a i a h 9:6

*amazing Christmas Eve church service, quality time with friends + family, too much yummy food, many fab pressies, twinkle lights, J E S U S...feeling super BLESSED.

1993

Guest Post:

Stole this post from my twin lfillmore.

"For our third-annual Christmas get-together with my girls {babes, sisters...}, we got all dolled up & had a huge, delicious dinner together.

I love dressing up, I love dresses, I love wearing heels, I love putting make-up on, I love curling my hair, I love it. So its always exciting to get all dolled-up for dinner with some of my favorite girls. In years past we've gone out to eat all dressed up, but this year it was kind of sweet just dressing up to go over to Angela's.

After we ate & took pictures {of course}, we put our "cozy clothes" on, ate dessert, & started what turned into an almost four hour period of time of just sharing what God has been doing in our lives since the last time we all met {in this setting, last spring}

It was one of the best experiences I've ever had & will always remember. One by one, we all talked about God, our families, school, work, guys, friends, & everything else in-between, struggles, highs, lows, & weaknesses, but there was so much openness, honesty, & rawness. And there was a lot of tears & tissues, but also a lot of laughs. It was so great!


Once more & more of us started talking about our lives over the past few months, we started to see a trend or thread throughout each of our stories/updates that all kind of related to each other. It was so encouraging!

It's also just sweet to think back over the last few years that this group of girls have been together. We've all grown & matured SO much, its awesome. It's awesome that we have each other to share about what Gods doing in our lives with!

There was one point when we gathered around Angela & prayed over her. It was so great, she has prayed over us & for us so many times, it was so sweet to be able to come around her & pray over her!


When I left {at 2:30am} I felt so filled, so overwhelmed, and just feeling overly blessed once again by God's greatness in my life.

How did I get so blessed with such a rich sisterhood that I know I'll have around me for years to come!? I wish every girl could experience times like these & have a group of sisters like mine...

It was definitely a sweet early Christmas gift.."

way-to-go

Tonight was my very last lighthouse...until I come home from Australia in JUNE!! How weird is that!? It felt funny to think that I'm not going to be amongst that group of people for six whole months! This situation I find myself in of literally preparing to leave everything I know and love behind is very... sad, exciting, nerve racking and rejuvenating -- all at the same time.

Of course Cliff's message was exactly what I needed to hear & the worship was exactly what my heart needed. The message was on b e i n g the Church, through discipleship & fellowship. Um, HELLO!! That's EXACTLY what I am going to do!? God is so cool in working things out, eh?!

As followers of Christ we're called to be disciples and to disciple others. Discipleship and fellowship go hang in hand, it involves investing and wanting to pour into anothers life.

Then he spoke about how as the body of Christ we're to do our part to expand the kingdom...in turn, creating disciples and a need for fellowship. We're to go to go the ends of the earth, making disciples, baptizing them in the Holy Spirit! It doesn't matter what our vocation is, if we're a follower of Christ, we're supposed to go the ends of where ever we're at...and that's exactly what I will be doing in three very short weeks. Actually going to the ends of the earth, as a disciple and to disciple...creating fellowship to expand the Kingdom :)

It was crazy how Cliff's message was just confirming that what I'm about take on this January is "from him and through him and to him ". I love how God uses others to speak directly to us! Tonight was such a great way-to-go.

Said Too Much.

I am currently at work
& FRUSTRATED.
ugh! ew. gross.

Let's be honest, working at this giant, cold, multi-million dollar, affluent neighbor-hood library; I've come across my fair share of arrogant, slimy, old men.... those three words describe most, if not all the men that live around here exactly. They are arrogant, because they actually think that the world revolves around them and that their needs are of higher priority than anyone else, they are constantly stuck on a high horse. They are slimy, because they make remarks that are straight up SLIMY...sometimes on the borderline of being considered sexual harassment and are constantly just plain annoying and difficult. They are old... well, because they are old, usually pressing upon early 50's to later 60's.

They, them, those, men -- wait, they aren't even men, that's not how any man should act -- think it's okay to raise their voice at yours truly & speak harshly to me! In my two point five years that I've worked here, it's happened mmm... a hand full of times. SOMETHING, something really simple doesn't go their way or they are having trouble understanding directions and then, they GO OFF! BOOM. Like a dynamite. They lose control of their words and act like fools.

Okay, so now you kind of understand what kind of person I'm talking about...my most recent encounter with one of these fine tax payers, just twenty minutes ago, really made me think about just HOW important our words truly are!! ... read on

Example, just now -- there were four grown men, meeting in a study room with only two chairs... therefore, they did the logical thing, grabbed two other chairs from the computer desks & rolled them into the study room.

Problem is, it's against our Library's fire code & policy to bring extra chairs into a study room. I had already mentioned that to the main guy, before the others had gotten there and he agreed and was cordial... then acts like a five year old [or just arrogant] and goes [when I'm not looking] and rolls extra chairs into the study room, AFTER I JUST told him he couldn't do that?! Is he five?! Seriously.

I see this interaction, of the chair being misplaced and swiftly, yet composed walk over to the study room & open the door. Tell them that they can't bring extra chairs in and kindly remind the main guy that I JUST TOLD him that. The main guy -- a Library regular, knows the rules, and just heard me say 15 minutes prior that chairs couldn't be moved around -- stands up and just starts going at it, yelling [mind you, we're in a freaking LIBRARY] about how they are in a very important meeting and that I'm disturbing them and that they work for the county and pay taxes so they should be able to do what they want... on, and on, and on....

In between this not-so-manly man's rage, I suggested NICELY [I'm getting paid really well & have no other option, but to be nice...plus it's the right thing to do, right?] that he was MORE THAN WELCOME to switch rooms with other patrons, if he could find patrons willing to switch. I went over asked two ladies to switch rooms with them and the man and his embarrassed, yet spin-less friends went on with their snowy day.

At this point I am FUMING! The rage filling inside me seriously changed how I felt physically. All because a stranger spoke harshly and disrespectfully to me. I sat at my desk with a tingly nose wanting to cry. I kept thinking, if only my dad was here to yell back at them...I'm also pretty sure steam was coming out of my ears.

All of that to say...

Even if I sound like my mom, "it's not what we say, it's how we say it"

You have NO idea what kind of effect words and tones have on people...of course no one is perfect and people mess up, but this is definitely something we ALL should work on. HELLO, people :: angry tones and harsh words can change someones entire day in an instant, like that disgusting man just changed mine.

Lessons learned after today's little FIASCO:
1. keep your tongue from evil.
2. slimy, arrogant, old men are not truly men.

THE END.

re: post // one year ago

"... this can only equate to God moving & stirring my life up.
God DOES move in mysterious ways.
When we open our eyes, heart, and mind--He mysteriously moves in."

I LOVE that God has proven himself faithful over this past year...He molded, shaped and redefined my heart to ready me for the next chapter of my life. I love being able to look back and now realize what the mysterious ways were leading up to!

Is this real life?

All of the major details are taken care of,
e x c e p t for the last one ...

Lets review:
Pray about it... check
Talk to my parents about it... check
Apply to YWAM... check '
Worry about it... check
Apply for passport... check
Apply for visa... check
Pray more about it... check
Receive passport... check
Receive visa... check
Buy health insurance... check
Procrastinate... check
Cry about it... check
Change plans & go in Jan instead of Oct... check
Write support letters... check
Make prayer cards... check
Worry some more... check
Stress about it... check
Pray some more... check
Cry some more... check
Send out support letters & prayer cards... check
Plan a fundraiser... check
Fill out resignation forms at work... check
Book flight... check
Get to Australia... _______

GOD is so faithful.
GOD is so good.
GOD is so providing.
GOD is so protective.

Honestly, so far nothing about getting to THIS point of my journey has been easy... but GOD has remained so constant! It's been hard, tiring, painful, scary, and intimidating -- and now I'm this close and God has proven His strength, by getting me past all the hurdles it took to get here. I can't believe this is real life?! I'm going to Australia for three months & around the world for another three months... God is crazy!

Certainty vs. Uncertainty

Being certain of anything is comforting.
–adjective
free from doubt or reservation; confident

Being uncertain of anything is scary.
–adjective
not confident, assured, or free from hesitancy

Certainties:
1. Christian
2. Fillmore
3. American
4. Twin
5. Truth

Uncertainties:
1. Persecution
2. Valleys
3. Mistakes
4. Job loss
5. Risk
6. Life
7. Marriage
8. Children
9. People
10. The World

Even though the uncertainties out number the certainties, they can never out weigh them. The weight that our certainties carry, surpasses ALL and any uncertainty we may face. These past few days, I've been examining the direction my life is heading at present... much of it feels uncertain. Therefore, I'm so glad I serve a God that chose, to cover my uncertainties with HIS certainty!

full of thanks.

Since it happens to be thanksgiving tomorrow, I thought it would be appropriate to spout off what I'm thankful for.



"[Spiritual Fullness in Christ] So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with
t h a n k f u l n e s s.” -Colossians 2:6-7




family;
dad-- providing, sense of humor, protection, caring, strength, health, similarities.
mom-- nurturing, advice, wisdom, caring, protection, discipline, example.
sister 1-- inspiration, wisdom, creativity, independence, outlook.
sister 2-- sharing, closeness, friendship, creativity, similarities.
brother 1-- sense of humor, similarities, dedication.
brother 2-- innocence, driven, humbleness.

church;
Christ-centered pastors, mentors, speaking, fellowship, & worship. facilities, provision, driven, authenticity, passionate, missions minded, generational-ly friendly.

life;
friends, family, opportunity, breath, second chances, lessons, mistakes, freedom, work, play, education, food, clean water, toiletries, technology, medical care, abundance.

Must Admit That...

No matter how "cool" I think my taste of music is, I still really enjoy old school Christian Music!! I have a play list on my iTunes of CCM faves, with the likes of Jars of Clay, Michael W. Smith, Rebecca St. James, Steven Curtis Chapman, & Rich Mullins.

I like it because it's all I could listen to growing up. I like it because it's TRUTH. I like it because it's encouraging. Despite some of its cheesy-ness, Christian music is good for you :) To be honest, I know very little about any now-a-day Christian music, it's not as legitimate as it use to be. It's too commercialized now...I'm not into that.

I'll leave you with one of my favorites:

God is God & I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He's painting. I'll never understand it all, for only God is God.

Music // Book Plug

Girls, check out Christa Black's new book "God Loves Ugly"!! I started listening to her music when she just had rough demos on her MySpace. Now she is known for blogging & touring with that little band called the Jonas Brothers. Through her new found platform, she now has a huge opportunity to share TRUTH with girls all over the world!! I highly recommend checking out her BOOK & MUSIC.

{www.christablack.com}
{christa on iTunes}

adult conversation

Mmm...I want to know, what ever happened to talking about things that don't truly matter in the grand scheme of life? Oh yeah, we grew up... how did my normal everyday conversation shift from Barbies and jump rope to major life decisions so quickly!? Topics are now; traveling to another continent, careers, business, politics, and marriage. It makes me miss casual conversation in the sand box. Innocence seems to slip further and further away... it sounds dramatic, but it's so true. If this was twitter, I would #growningpains

Strong Enough

HIS love is strong enough.
HIS grace is strong enough.
HIS mercy is strong enough.
HIS peace is strong enough.

God will always be strong enough;
to fight for me.
to provide for me.
to love me.
to take care of my needs.
to get me where He wants me.

. . . . .

"Don't bargain with God.
Be direct. Ask for what you need.
This isn't a cat-and-mouse,
hide-and-seek game we're in."
Matthew 7:7-12 [msg]

Trouble Trusting

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I shall deliver you" (Ps. 50:15)

Oh wow. God is teaching me this a lot lately. EVEN when things don't go the way we think they should, God is still in control. When life seems unfair, God still wants to deliver us. Even in the hard times, God is still love. When we don't think we can, God can!

Trusting God is always easy when life is good and going the way we want it to. When we have the job, life, friends, and situation that we want or desire, it's easy to trust that God has our best interest in mind. After all, He has chosen to bless you with those things, your wants and desires. But when life doesn't go the way we want it to, we still have to trust that God has our best interest in mind and that HE will still bless us and provide for our needs. Going through valleys doesn't mean it's the end, it means it's the beginning of a beautiful God crafted story. Life would be boring if we couldn't tell a glory story in our lifetime. Jesus pardoned us with His blood, how much more are we deeply loved and cared for!?

Here are some sayings that are good reminders of God's love and mercy for us. We MUST trust Him. HE has our best interest in mind. He gives us EVERYTHING [& more than] we need. Besides, His LOVE is enough, it's more than we need.

//Rejection is God's protection.

//If it's God's will, it's God's bill.

Whether you've been rejected by a job that you KNEW you were going to get. Or if money doesn't seem to be growing on trees, God still/will take care of it. God knows what we need, when we need it. If we don't have it right now, we don't need it right now. God loves to teach us patience and perseverance through times like these!

Hillsong Live : Stronger/This Is Our God

Just another something that is so great about the land down under... Hillsong worship music! They just released an acoustic album of everyone's faves! This has to be my favorite so far, from what I've heard.

YWAM?

Summer Plus Dts promo from YWAM Newcastle Media on Vimeo

Questions:

What is YWAM?
Youth With A Mission. A missions program that started here in the US and now has bases all over the world. "to know God and to make Him known"

When?
January 11, 2011 - June 18, 2011

What is DTS?
Discipleship Training School. It involves three months of Lecture and three months of Outreach. While on Lecture, our group will help run Youth Street for the local teens.

Where is Newcastle?
Two hours north of that popular little city in Australia called, Sydney.

Why Australia?
God put something in my heart for Australia a while ago, it's somewhere I've always wanted to go and have been curious about. It's also very far away and it won't be easy to get there...all the more reasons God is calling me down there. Following God will never be easy or glamorous.


What is Youth Street?
From my understanding Youth Street is a community outreach program set up by YWAM. It's an opportunity to locally minister to the youth of Newcastle, through various activities. It's a time of organized group activities, worship, sharing of the Gospel and just loving on youth!

What is Lecture?
Lecture is three months time spent in a classroom setting; learning about who God is, discovering our greater purpose, and how to effectively share the Gospel.



What is Outreach?
Outreach is three months spent in various locations around the world [TBD]. Using the abilities we have as a team to lead people towards Christ.

Why now?
God doesn't want us to sit around and wait for Him. We have to use everything we've got to make His name known now, with the little time we have on earth! The Bible says, "Therefore go and make disciples of ALL nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit"

---

"For we are God’s masterpiece. HE has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Ephesians 2:10

Band Of Horses

Oh how I love Band of Horses. I'll never forget coming across their myspace page back in the day and falling in love. I'm happy I got to see them last night. They played two of my favorites,"No One's Gonna Love You" and "Factory". I'd say it was a pretty good show, though they definitely left out some of my favorites! Slightly bummed about that but they did play at the Fillmore... which happens to be my last name! I still want to go up to the ticket counter, show them my license and demand to be let in for free because my grandpa "owns" all the Fillmore threatre's. Unfortunately, I'm not that bold or out going. Plus they probably wouldn't buy it because I'm really bad at lying?!

Here are the two songs they didn't play, that they should have....

Please Lead Him

Every girl, whether she'd like to admit it or not, is guilty of day dreaming about the perfect surprise proposal, blue sky wedding day, and sandy beach honeymoon. A girl looks forward to the day she meets the man that was literally made for her. Waiting for the man that was put on this earth for her; the man that was made to fight for her, the man that was created to father their children, the man that she is supposed to grow old with. We wait, plan, dream, wait some more, pair our name with certain last names, and day dream again.

In the midst of our child-like behavior, how often are we on our knees, pleading for the heart and purity of the man that God already has set aside for us? How often do we go humbly before God, asking for wisdom and guidance; so we can one day be a loving, encouraging, gracious, submissive, and uplifting wife? How often are we asking for God to prepare both of our hearts for a God centered relationship? I dare say we spend too much time cutting out snippets of bridal magazines and not enough time praying for the actual relationship itself.

As women we need to be on our knees constantly praying for the marriage that we day dream about. Sanctus Real's single "Lead Me", made me realize how important it is to start praying [now] for a relationship that may not have even come into play yet. We're living in a day and age where most marriages are ending in separation or divorce, even in the Christian world, all we can do is pray that God protects our future marriage. The lyrics are a husbands humble prayer for his family. If you switch a few of the personal pronouns around, you've got the perfect prayer to pray for your future husband and relationship!

Father, give [him] the strength
To be everything [he's] called to be
Oh, Father, show [him] the way
To lead [me/us]
Won't You lead [him]?
Father, lead [us], cause [we] can't do this alone.

Whether or not you are in a current relationship, pray, pray, pray, for the man that God has set aside for you. You never know, you might already be rubbing shoulders with the guy you're praying for or you may not know him just yet [both of which scenarios are very scary to me... haha]. Either way, pray for God's protection upon him, pray against struggles he might be facing, pray for God's perfect timing, pray for patience and purity in the relationship, pray that God would use him, pray that God would lead him to Himself.

Not So Perfect People

We are all broken people in need of a Savior. After reading this meaty article on RelevantMagazine.com, I've been thinking a lot about how easily we hide brokenness. Especially after personally being broken before God and witnessing so many others with brokenness in their lives this week. We live in a broken and imperfect world, therefore all of man is broken. In all of us is something that makes us broken,"poverty and being gay and worship and money and porn and sex and depression and abuse." [the list goes on; hardship, personal struggles, divorce, addiction, pride, arrogance]

We can individually recognize that we are broken. For some reason, we've adopted the mentality that EVERYONE else around us at church is okay and seemingly perfect! How did we come to this conclusion, more so why? Christ didn't die for PERFECT people?! If we were perfect, Christ wouldn't have had to die in the first place. We look at how messed up our life is at present and hold it locked inside. We paint on our smiles every Sunday morning (or night), when asked how we're doing we nod and say good. Are we REALLY good?! It's this scary cycle of beating around the bush until we (hopefully) crack. We try to appear as perfect people. How exhausting, always trying to polish the outside, when our insides are decaying away. Always trying to be perfect gets old quick, yet we've all gotten really good at it. Jesus didn't hang out with perfect people. He surrounded himself with the people that had issues and USED THEM! After all, Christ died for the UNGODLY.

I can recall times in my life where I've felt brokenness in my life and begged God for courage to bring it to the table. I would tell myself, okay this is it, I'm going to come forward, this has to get off my chest. I would constantly talk myself out of it, in fear that I would be judged by fellow Jesus followers. If you feel that confessing your brokenness will make you feel ashamed or embarrassed...think about how ashamed and embarrassed Christ was when he WORE all of your shame on the cross. Instead of feeling ashamed feel empowered! Christ is then ready to USE you. I feel that part of the issue with us not wanting to confess our brokenness comes from being too comfortable and viewing grace as a get out jail free card. We must desire to be used by God, which can be a scary thought but it's the step we must take to follow Jesus fully.

The key here is honesty and authenticity. We have to break down the walls that make people feel less than for being broken. We have to put an end to this tendency of "having it all together". None of us have it all together. Sharing brokenness welcomes; prayer, encouragement, weight lifted, accountability, grace, mercy, and love.

To combat brokenness within the Church we must get on our knees. Ask God to reveal broken parts of your heart. Once we can recognize the brokenness of our own heart, ask God to come into it that dark, yet never hidden part of our heart. He is and will always be the healer and deliver, He longs to see your broken heart restored. Also pray that God would make you available and approachable to those around you with broken and messy hearts. God has a history of successful heart transplants, allow Him to operate on you today! It's going to be uncomfortable and the healing might take longer than hoped for, but lasting results are promised.

YOUR BLOOD IS ENOUGH TO BREAK EVERY CHAIN.

F L A G S

F I N A L L Y . Brooke Fraser's long-coming album released! So far, f l a g s is brilliant. Love it. Grab it off iTunes asap - - !

sisterhood.

I have two great sisters that I grew up with and have always done life with. They are the sisters that will never go away, in a good way of course. Then there are my other sisters, the sisters who have come into my life for seasons, some have come and gone, some have gone and come back, and some have always been there.


I’m not married, engaged and I don’t have a boyfriend, but I know plenty of women who are in relationships and they just as well need sisters around them! Men are great, don’t get me wrong, but men will never understand needing a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a romantic comedy. They will never understand changing your outfit ten times before leaving the house. They will never understand crying for without reason. That’s WHY we need a sisterhood around us.

Some more reasons why we need a sisterhood around us; we need sisters that can press into us and sisters we can press into. Sisters that we can look up to and sisters that can look up to us. We need sisters to keep us sane. We need sisters to keep us in check. We need sisters to keep us accountable. We need sisters to be there when we're down on ourselves. We need sisters to come around us when life doesn't seem fair or make sense. We need our sisters. We each need a sisterhood that will fight for our heart and souls when we cannot.

As sisters we find that we ALL face the same sorts of trials and hardships, the only difference is they are crafted to fit into each of our stories. Our trials and hardships happen at different times [conveniently], so we are equipped to coach our other sisters through the tough times. The truth is, as women we might not always see eye to eye, we might not always be “besties” [soul sisters, best friends, go-to sisters, core friends], if we aren't careful we can easily get caught in the middle of nasty gossip and tearing down of others. Despite the “drama” that gets in the way of our sister relationships, God has set the perfect example of forgiveness, grace and mercy for us!

When we are able to get past the petty things that tend to get in the way of peaceful relationships between women, and are able to have true heart-to-heart encounters, we find that we are all very similar. Deep down we want the same things; love and acceptance. Something that only our Father can fully sustain, with the help of our sisters we feel the earthly grasp of love and acceptance. No matter how thick the skin, how deep the wound, or how many times we’ve failed; true sisters are there to help you back up, with love, mercy and grace.

I'm so blessed to have been surrounded by a diverse group of twelve or so sisters for the past two years [thanks to Kairos…another reason to join a Kairos group next semester]. We came together two falls ago. Since meeting we've each grown in tremendous ways. None of us perfect, yet we all have different things to bring to the table. Each of us is unique, has different quirks, and things that make us different from the next girl over. The thing I love most about this group is that if one isn't there, there seems to be something missing... someone’s input and personality is missing and it's just not the same. In the rare occasion that most of us are able to get together, conversations pick up right where they left off. I love that! We need our sisters! As women, we desperately need other women around us that we can share, grow and fight off Satan with.

God created the emotional and spiritual bonds that link women together, so praise God for the sisters He has placed in your life. Be thankful for the sisters that have come and gone for different seasons and chapters of your story. If you find that you don’t identify with a certain sisterhood, PRAY FOR ONE! Pray that God would provide you with and surround you with a divine sisterhood.

"Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's [sister] springs from [her] earnest counsel" - PROVERBS twenty-seven:nine

Light Up The Sky.

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me, that You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Your love is rushing in

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

The Human Race

Imagine the rush of people running the Boston Marathon, all running towards the same finish line. Each year, thousands of individuals train, do intense work outs, discipline themselves, train even harder, and then work out even harder all over again – all for one thing; to complete the Boston Marathon. Runners from around the country may train year round just qualify for such a race. It takes dedication, pain, endurance and perseverance.

I was driving home from dropping my sister off at work this morning and all the traffic reminded me of a different kind of race, this time not with runners but with luxury vehicles (I wouldn’t consider my car necessarily a luxury vehicle – just the cars around me of course), racing to get to their high paying job. Racing to get their kids to their expensive private schools. Racing to beat the red light or cutting people off just to get a car or so ahead. If this was counted as a sport in the Olympics, it’s fare to say a lot of the athletes would be disqualified for playing dirty and not sticking to the rules.

Noticing these suit wearing business men racing by in their BMW’s and plastic looking soccer moms racing by in their fancy SUV’s, reminded me that so much of humanity is stuck running the wrong race. They are chasing after the wealth and affirmation of man, ultimately missing the point. Yeah it's taken a lot of training, pain, endurance and perseverance to run this type of race, but for what? They’ve been training for years, for a race that will never fulfill the emptiness in their souls – making good grades, getting into the right colleges, getting the right job, and still never making enough money or feeling true purpose. Missing the real race, the race that was marked out for us – the race that has purpose, eternal metals and grand prizewinners.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
– Hebrews 12:1-3

Jesus has set a race for us. Not a race for earthly possessions or glory, but for His glory. Not a race towards pleasing human or terrorizing others just to get ahead. The race marked out for us is a hard course; it’s to be proceeded with caution. We must be ready and equipped to take on this race, persecution and strive might pass us along the way, but we must keep on running.

The race is towards the ultimate finish line, eternal life with Jesus Christ. This race isn’t glamorous or popular; it’s about taking risks, sacrifice, and living life uncomfortably. It’s not an easy course, the paths are sometimes unclear but we must keep running. The Holy Spirit keeps us hydrated and training simply involves pursuing an intimate relationship with the Creator of the world, meditating of the Word, stretching ourselves to be more Christ like daily, and developing a disciplined prayer life.

Ask God to reveal himself to you and He will. Examine the race you’re currently running and make sure it’s the one that’s worth it in the end. Rearrange the desires and dreams you’re racing towards to be sure God is getting the glory!

Sweet Mercy.

Sweet mercy! I pretty much had the best weekend ever. Super low key and relaxing. Spent time with good friends. Finished some last minute edits for some jobs. Relaxed. Went to church, heard a great message and was lead in awesome worship. [side note: 90 pictures I took the other day, were looped in the background of the PowerPoint when we sang With Everything in big church a.k.a. the largest audience of my work thus far...made me kind of nervous & a little excited!] Some good friends got baptized. Spent time in the Word and prayed in my church's back yard. Took a long nap. Went to church again and it was amazing.

Oh yeah, and in the midst of a seemingly good and relaxing weekend, I managed to get into with my mom. -- how annoying, I ruin an almost perfect weekend! Sweet mercy! Even though I'm having a good weekend, the way I talk or act brings another person down. How selfish. We talked about in church today how we're made in HIS image, all humanity, made in HIS image. Nothing is accomplished when I'm rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, or arrogant towards anyone, especially my mom in this particular situation. When we tear people down we're tearing down; a human being that was fearfully and wonderfully made, in the image of God! How could I?! Why don't I think before I speak or act?! ugh... frustration.

All these things were on my mind this afternoon. When I got to church [for the second time] I was just annoyed with the way I was acting, after a good weekend I ruined it with shallow words. My delightful weekend shifted into a melancholy, annoyed weekend. We started a new series at church called Thread, how every story {ours, others, stories in the Bible} all have a common thread; Jesus of Nazareth dying for a imperfect sinful human race, saving us and CHOOSING to show us mercy and forgiveness.

What an example of love to learn from. Giving of His life, to show us what true love, mercy and forgiveness really looks like. To be a Christian, is to be a "little Christ", an imitator of Christ, constantly dying to yourself, making Christ first in every aspect of life. Putting others down and saying unkind things is surely not of God and it makes Him sad to see his children bringing other children down.

Ephesians 5:1-2 {Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.}

Sweet mercy is an interjection a lot of people in my life use on a regular basis. Thinking about how I acted towards my mom this weekend makes me think in my head "sweet mercy, what was I thinking?!" Turn it around and I'm reminded of the s w e e t m e r c y God lavishes on us... when we DO NOT deserve it! A lot like the mercy my mom has showed me time and time again. Even when I'm a brat to my mom, she still loves me and she still has my best interest in mind, she still looks after me. I don't deserve the mercy she shows me day after day.

God forgive me of my arrogant attitude, rid me of impure motives, and take away my thinking I have the right to treat my flesh and blood unkindly. Mend the imperfect relationship my mom and I have, allow us to start over freshly this week. Leaving behind my wrongs against her. Thank you for my mom. Thank you for blessing me with a wise, Godly, mentoring mom. Thank you God for a mom that chose to keep me and take the risks of having a sick baby. Thank you for her shoulder to cry and lean on. Jesus forgive me for not always honoring my mom & dad. Nothing is impossible for You, don't allow yesterday to define me. amen.

psalm on my heart.

For the director of music. A song. A psalm.


1 Shout with joy to God,
all the earth!

2 Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!

3 Say to God, "How awesome are
your deeds! So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.

4 All the earth bows down to you;
they sing praise to you,
they sing praise to your name."

5 Come and see what God has done
how awesome his works in man's behalf!

6 He turned the sea into dry land,
they passed through the
waters on foot — come,
let us rejoice in him.

S e l a h

7 He rules forever by his power,
his eyes watch the nations—
let not the rebellious rise
up against him.

8 Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard

9 he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like
silver.


S e l a h

11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a
place of abundance.

16 Come and listen,all you who fear
let me tell you what he has
done for me.

17 I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

S e l a h

18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

19 but God has surely listened
and heard my voice
in prayer.

20 Praise be to God,who has not
rejected my prayer or withheld his
love from me!

Slight change in plans.

I'm leaving for Australia in January now, therefore I'm able to continue raising support. I have a great sense of peace about it, so I know it's of God. He will and is still providing. Taking everything day by day. Trusting that support will come in. Daily God is preparing me spiritually, mentally and emotionally for this next big step in my journey. It's been exciting thus far... I'm stoked to see what's in store come January!


It's good to because now I can spend the holidays with my family and friends! It will surely be the last 'hooray' before jet-setting to the land down under.

Get Away

I'm guilty of shallow God and I time. My human nature allows "things" to get the in way of the perfect get away. Personally my fondest times spent with God are when I'm in a secluded area. Where I can talk out loud. Stretch my arms. Lie face down. Meditate on the Word – simply listen, without distractions.

Today my heart was heavy. The only way I could relieve it was to get away; away from noise, away from life, away from wants, away from needs, away from traffic. Away from everything that constantly gets in the way.

I found myself at one of my favorite parks. Lots of hills, trails, open space, streams, and nature. With nothing around me except for Gods creation, I sat in a huge open field of grass to listen, pray, and read. It's crazy how you can feel the Holy Spirit moving in moments like that. Burdens were lifted and I released aches to Lifter of my Head.

When people say they are going on a weekend get away it usually entails some sort of a break, an oasis, relaxation, or time off. That's exactly what it is to spend time with God. A time to take the load off, to rejuvenate, to refresh, to breath, to rediscover life's value. The amazing thing about God is that we don't have to request work off; we don't have to make plans, pack, or prepare to take a get away with God. We can come to Him anytime, anywhere to simply get away. Just as we allow our selves to rejuvenate physically, we must allow ourselves time to rejuvenate spiritually, taking time to get away with God.

keep calm & carry on.

landing in Miami last summer.

This is my life motto from now on. From this moment forward I have to simply keep calm & carry on. Such a good phrase to live by. Especially because I know how I am and how I handle stress.... I need to remind myself to keep calm in everything I do. mmm...cannot wait for the the deep sigh of relief I will be able to take when I walk into a Sydney terminal in 20 some days [that thought gives me chills... ehh... that's REALLY soon]... LORD give me strength & perseverance!

Fall is nigh...but so is summer...what a conundrum!

Ah, ¡Septiembre! For some reason the month of September is the only month I can remember from when I struggled through Spanish in high school & into college. That's besides the point. I just cannot even believe it's SEPTEMBER?! What in the world... why is my life sliding by so quickly and seemingly nonchalantly?! I leave for AUSTRALIA in about 30 days. That's thirty days to wrap things up here, to savor every second of "fall" that I can, to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself and to raise as much support I can. The panic is beginning to set in [typical me...]. Praying, praying, praying for strength and courage as these 30 days of preparing, packing, planning, and taking off come rushing towards me. No turning back now, eh? Exciting and terrifying at the same time. It's strange to me that something that I've only ever dreamed of is coming true in front of my eyes and I'm slightly terrified. God wants to know how much I trust and lean into Him it seems...it's hard but it's what I have to do. A common phrase thrown around in my church family is:

"how big is your God?"

...such a valid question. We so often doubt the power and strength of God... HELLO He can move mountains; He's bigger than any bill we have lingering, He's bigger than any petty conflict we find ourselves in, He's bigger than any dream we're trying to fulfill. There's no way around it, I just have to buckle up for this adventurous, yet terrifying ride that God is about to take me on.

Enough ranting for now. I was just encouraged to read Joshua... I need the courage of Joshua right about now ::

"... I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night {c o m f o r t}, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:5-9

______________________________________________

[EDIT...hour later...] just read a devo on Josh 1:1-9!!

God is so cool... He knows what we need, when we need it.

"Obstacles (a.k.a. getting to Australia) are one way that God strengthens faith. When you are confused and cannot see how He could work out your situation, do not walk away in defeat and miss His blessing. He wants to teach you His way of obedience, trust, and courage. Believe Him; He always keeps His promises. "

Transformation.

I rarely post about music that I love... which should change I guess, right? Because I LOVE music... most music anyway. But last summer I started listening to Joy Williams side project, The Civil Wars, as their live recorded album was free on Noise Trade & Myspace...amazing. I saw them play last night, therefore I thought posting about them would be the most fitting thing to do.........

Growing up I listened to and followed a lot of different Christian music artists, one of my faves being Joy Williams...I'm pretty sure I had her on my Top 8 back in the day. I even planned on one day working within the Christian music business (or music business in general), I figured I love music & Nashville, why not move there one day and work in the biz?! Well dreams and life changes, therefore that's not really my cup of tea these days.... all that to say, I've loved watching Joy Williams transform into my now, favorite indie artist. Joy Williams, the once bottle-blond-pop-artist transformed over the past few years into, a more natural-indie-hipster-folk-artist. She traded in her catchy, Christian, studio recordings for more organic, raw, mellow lyrics and beats....which I love.

Not only has she been doing some solo stuff heard on various sitcoms and commercials, but is touring with the likes of Ten Out Of Tenn crew & her band The Civil Wars. We went and saw The Civil Wars last night, with Madi Diaz -- they all were amazing. I wish I had more time and money to go see a show every weekend. There's just something about hearing music live compared to hearing it on your iTunes... in my opinion it not only sounds better but there's just a different feel to the music, it's all about the atmosphere too I guess... I love it. Anyway, I'll stop raving... just go and check out her *new* solo stuff & The Civil Wars.

side stitch

I've started the race towards where God is leading me & I've seemed to get a side stitch. I'm slowing down because it hurts. My body is telling me to slow down & walk, or simply not finish [take the e a s y way out]. In my moments of doubt & pain the Coach called out to KEEP RUNNING...I KNOW IT HURTS, YOU'RE still GOING TO MAKE IT!

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus [finish line], who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

humbled.

Wow... God provides over & over again. It really humbles me... the fact that I have TWO really good jobs right now. That my parents allowed me to come back to their house & live there rent FREE [some parents make their kids pay rent]. I no longer have to spend money on groceries, rent, random things you need but you don't really think about buying them when you're at Target because you're mom just always buys it: laundry detergent, toilet paper, soap... the list goes on. Not only that, I organized a can/bottle drive this weekend and it ended up falling on a day I had to work [today...]. So my amazing family is up at church collecting cans/bottles FOR ME , while I'm at work.... it's crazy! It sounds lame, but like I actually get emotional thinking about how MUCH God has been providing for me these days.... just little things.

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”
romans 8:32

Unreal.

felt called into missions a year or so ago :: answered it by p r a y i n g :: then I w a i t e d :: prayed some more :: all of the paper work has been filled out & sent in & I have a spot at the Newcastle, Australia YWAM base :: now my passport is waiting for a stamp :: tomorrow I'm applying for a visa & shopping around for cheap health insurance & flights.... :: yes, it seems unreal :: this is happening & sometimes I can't believe it :: God is so good! :: Yeah, I'm going to Australia...soon, very soon.

It's surreal, but it's so real.

{For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.}
_habakkuk one:five

________________________________________________________

One more thing...
I told my mom this should be the our fams
Christmas card this year :)

Eat Pray Love

Okay. I found another movie to go in my top ten.
[1. Elizabethtown 2. It's A Wonderful Life 3. Pride & Prejudice 4. Garden State 5. Ferris Bueller's Day Off 6. Sleepless In Seattle 7. You've Got Mail 8. While You Were Sleeping 9. August Rush 10. EAT PRAY LOVE]

EDIT [8/17]: My wonderful friend Megan just e-mailed me these passages, seen under each picture!! love them....

E A T
“I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit” // Jeremiah 2:7
“When your words came I ate them and they were my joy and hearts delight” // Jeremiah 1:4

P R A Y
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you” // Jeremiah 29:12
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” // Jeremiah 33:3

L O V E
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness” // Jeremiah 31: 3
“Give thanks to the Lord almighty, for the Lord is good; His love endures forever” // Jeremiah 33:11

I'm not going to pretend to be some trendy intellectual movie buff, that pulls a lesson out of EVEY movie I watch... Especially because I'll admit that I LOVE cheesy, sappy, romantic comedies that have little to NO meaning....no shame. I won't get too intellectual or write a summary on the CRAZY symbolism you can find in this movie... I will simply say; EAT PRAY LOVE was amazing! It was a tad long & seemed to drag on a bit, but it was quit inspiring... even if you're not going to randomly leave your husband, dream-life, and job all in one day to travel the world... it still inspires to just live life in a way that you desire, within reason of course. To take life one step at a time, to take rest and relaxation seriously. To surround yourself with friends and family. To find GOD. To release yourself from the past and find rest in the Creator or the Universe, Jesus Christ! And last of all to find LOVE... even if it's not the guy, to simply LOVE everyone...go see it :)

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"

*My favorite track from the soundtrack.

empty house.

Once again, I'm home alone for the week and... I [still] hate it!

Three summers now a portion of my family have gone on various missions trips during the same week!? Leaving youngest brother & I at home. This time they're all with WSM. D, M, B, L, & C all off with WSM leaving A & I [sorry for so many letters..]. They are all just a county over and I still can't handle it! This year they're in DETROIT -- which is SWEET. But... it's too quiet, too un-chaotic, too boring, too scary at night to not have my manly dad & brother around :/ Life just seems lonely without my family constantly around. I seriously cannot sleep at night when they're not around and an empty house just seems sad and lonely! That's why this verse makes me laugh... because it's SO true. I would never be able to live on my own.. I have to be with some sort of family at all times!

"God sets the lonely in families..." Psalms 68:6

In the midst of feeling family-less for a week I'm reminded of God's LOVE, PROTECTION, FRIENDSHIP, and NEVER FORSAKING us!

Wait for the Lord - Dr. Charles Stanley

Got this devo in an email today... hit my heart hard! Just what I needed to hear... Love when God does that!!

"Right timing is critical in a believer's walk with the Lord. However, trusting His timing in important decisions, uncertain direction, or pressing needs is extremely difficult when everything within us cries, "Do something!" Because we want action, waiting for God seems so passive.

To wait for the Lord means to pause for further instruction while remaining in the present circumstance. It is a purposeful, expectant focus on God—a choice to be actively still and quiet in our hearts, listening for His voice and watching for His intervention. The wait is not for events to work out as we want, but rather for God's will to be done.

The Lord's voice often comes to us through His Word. Because this is His instruction book for our lives, quiet meditation on Scripture is essential. Sometimes when I read my Bible, a passage will jump out at me. The guidance I'm seeking is right there, almost as if it has my name written on it.

At other times, God will use changed circumstances to redirect us, or He will motivate another person to give guidance. However, always remember that any voice offering us direction must align with the Lord's will as revealed in His Word; otherwise, it is not from Him.

The first step in waiting for the Lord is submission to His choice of how and when He will act. What are you hoping God will do? Are you seeking Him or the thing you want from Him? Because He alone knows what is best for you, let go and trust His choice." - In Touch Ministries

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
//Psalm 130:5-8

Calling is our Calling.

J e r e m i a h 33:3 (Amplified Bible)

"Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of and understand)."

Beth Moore says in her Psalms study, "in God's economy, the only way up is down"... falling on our face before God and calling to Him is what we are CALLED to do. God wants to hear us, so we can hear HIM.

Season of N O M A D - ness

Life is ch-ch-changing.

room at my parents B E F O R E moving out.6 months later ...
room at my parents A F T E R moving back.

Thanks mom + dad for always taking us back :)

I'm heading to the land down under.
If I get accepted for a visa that is.
$8,650 is the magic number.
Merely pocket change to God, right?

"I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

p h i l i p p i a n s 4:10-14 [MSG]

OVERJOYED.

You name me
Who am I
That I should company with something so divine?
Mercy waits, Overjoyed
Prospect of finding, freeing
Freeing me

Love is the thing this time I'm sure
That I couldn't need you more now
The way that you saw things were so pure
Overjoyed

You name me
Entertain
Thoughts of peace can overcome anything
Mirror spins
Wicked tales
Here lies reflections of
Deceptions of


Love is the thing this time I'm sure
That I couldn't need you more now
The way that you saw things were so pure
Overjoyed

Missing the me from you you gave to me
I don't like the one I have created today
Crossing nameless from the one I've earned
To be the one, the one you gave to me

You name me
Name Me
Finding, freeing me

I've sown a seed. Now it's time for harvest

August... is going to be a BIG month. BIG changes coming. BIG decisions being made. Good thing I know a BIG God.

I guess I'm moving to Newcastle, Australia in October for YWAM//dts? [typing that out brings A LOT of emotions to the surface...happy/sad/excited/scared] Yeah, that's TWO months from now?! What am I thinking? I'm starting to think I'm crazy, but that's okay, God is crazy and He can literally do unimaginable things... so I guess it's okay that I'm crazy, if God's crazy. [crazy in all the right ways though!] God's will, God's bill.

I'm learning to FULLY rely on God... HE is BIG enough, STRONG enough, GRACIOUS enough, LOVING enough, and MERCIFUL enough to [want to] use me... it's hard to fathom.

I just got back from leading the BEST middle school missions trip ever. [post/update soon]

I'm actually finding myself in over my head with photography business right now, thanks to senior picture time of the year. This is turning into a really good AND bad thing.

In between a HUGE work week [this week], I have to manage to move EVERYTHING I own back to my parents house. At first I was not for the idea of moving back home, but now... I'm all for it!

It's almost my 21st birthday, birthday's are strange for me, I've never liked change and a birthday is a yearly change... you become another year older, you get further and further away from childhood and are suddenly thrown into adulthood.

For the first time in 15 years, I'm not registering for SCHOOL in August!? [more change...]

I've sown a seed.
Now it's time for harvest.


Wow.. Hmm.. Yeah..

growing pain: home

It's a rainy Saturday morning at work. I am missing Saturday's when I was growing up. Before I knew the value of sleeping in. When Saturday automatically meant house-hold-chores for the first half of the day and enjoy-a-day-off the other half of the day. Before I could drive. The time I was care-free. When life was relatively easy.

When it was nice and sunny out. We would play outside until the sun went down. Only to come inside with dirt under our nails and a ton of bug bites. Going on adventurous bike rides through our neighbor hood. Running around our giant front and backyard. Taking the tire swing and turning it into a carnival ride, using the jungle gym. Creating a water-world with a hose, the swing set and the trampoline. Playing house in our giant built-just-for-us play house. Making cities out chalk on our driveway and riding our bikes through them, making stops to grocery shop at the "Grocery Store".

Then there were Saturdays that were rainy. Those days were spent inside. Inside the family room. A room designated just for movie watching, craft making, library book reading, barbie or doll house playing, and fort building. The deep dark blue comfy carpet was very inviting to play on, no matter the time of day. If we weren't in the family room, we were in the kitchen eating Chewy Granola bars for a snack or sitting up at the kitchen bar stools talking moms ear off while she made dinner. Sometimes we would play in our bedrooms, but pretty much only on the Saturdays where we had ventured to clean our rooms that very day...the only time a room was fun to play in was when it had just been cleaned (how ironic right?). Sometime we would just use the entire house to play in, running around or chasing each other from the bedrooms all the way to the family room (causing broken bones).

Thinking about my old house makes me remember too many memories; good, bad, happy, sad, exciting, scary...ultimately causing growing pains. I'm learning that it doesn't matter what roof is over your head, it's the people under that roof that make a house a home.