A Souls Journey of Surrender

Hit In the Heart

The other night I was driving to Oasis (middle school youth group at church) and Nichole Nordeman’s song, Holy came on Detroit’s sad excuse of a Christian music station … but that’s for another blog. Of course I’ve heard this song hundreds of times, seeing back in the day I was only allowed to listen to CCM. With the windows down and her tune blasting a line, hit me right in the heart:

"all You ever wanted was, me on my knees singing holy"

I found myself reflecting on where my life had taken me up to that point, my souls journey of a once safe, comfortable faith, and struggle of not letting go of control over my life. Twenty years of a life lived selfishly; all my Savior ever wanted, was for me to be brought to my knees. He had patiently been waiting for me to surrender and truly sing “holy” to Him.

The Christian Facade

My name is Courtney Fillmore and I am a poster child for kids that grow up in a Christian home. I know all the church answers and did all the right things. But it was not until I was nineteen that I truly gave God my life.

Being born into a Christian home doesn’t mean you’re automatically born again into His Home it simply means your parents are followers of Jesus, therefore they do their best to “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Because my parents did a good job of training up this child, my life consisted of the following:

Watching McGee and Me, listening to Adventures in Odyssey on the way home from my Christian elementary school, going to AWANA’s every Wednesday, saying “the prayer” when I was six, being at every youth group event, praying for the other kids making decisions at summer camp, knowing how to take communion, not dressing immodestly, wearing a purity ring, working at a Christian camp, not partying, and choosing not date in high school, etc.

This list of actions might have made me stick out to the world, but they never made me a true-leave it all behind, follower of Jesus. Not that I am complaining or wishing I was raised any other way, this list just makes me realize how much I took knowing the name of Jesus for granted.

Knowing Jesus is not doing a list of things to stick out to the world, it’s about a heart change. It took me a long time to realize that being a follower of Jesus was more than doing what Christians are “supposed to do”. To be a follower of Jesus Christ means you wholly surrender your being to the one who crafted you in your mother’s womb. Letting go of any control you think you have on your own life and letting God take control of it – even if it hurts, isn’t what you wanted or isn’t what you planned. Being a follower of Jesus involves having a heart for God and a desire to live out His purpose. Being open to where the Spirit is leading you and selflessly choosing to, “act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God..”

Being raised in a Christian home has truly been a blessing, but for me it made me a stubborn Jesus follower. Stubborn in the sense that I knew I was a follower of Christ but was too comfortable doing the right things and wasn’t open to God fully taking control of my life. There was always a piece of me holding back, a stubborn piece of my heart that wouldn’t give in. It took me till I was out of high school to even realize that I hadn’t totally given God my life.

Surrendering For Good

At the close of my senior year of high school, I hadn’t fully let go of my life and let God take hold of it. My post high school plans were to go to Bible college and marry a pastor, but when that didn’t work out, I got upset that God wasn’t fulfilling what I thought was His will for my life. I had not taken the blinders off of my plans to fully see Gods plan.

The part of my heart that was being stubborn was being suffocated by embedded sin and was in the way of seeing what God wanted for my life. It wasn’t until I confessed this embedded sin that I would be able to surrender to God for good.

In this surrender was when I started to see the most change in my life. Fully surrendering to God and letting go of past sin, regrets and failures brought such freedom that could only come from Christ. The stubborn part of my heart was beginning to soften.

My life began to rearrange from the moment my graduation party was over and college classes were about to start. I was starting to accept the fact that God must have bigger and better things for me at home, than off at Bible College. I had a new mindset and began to grow into my own faith, a faith apart from parents for the first time. It almost felt like I was a Christian for the first time, really living in the will of God and not looking back. After getting involved at Lighthouse, I even began see how shallow and safe my Christian walk had been before I had surrendered my life to God.

Joining a Kairos group seemed like a given to this work-in-progress-then-college-freshman. After all it just seemed natural to be involved with mid-week church activities. Kairos to me seemed like the usual small group setting I was use to, where I could share my story on surface level and most importantly socialize with my friends.

It didn’t take long to learn that I had the wrong idea of Kairos and that it was vastly different than any other small group settings I had been involved with prior. This word, vulnerability was thrown around a lot in our group, which at first scared me because I didn’t want people to see my flaws, but that’s right when God continued to prick at my heart.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:16

God has continued to soften my heart through getting plugged into Lighthouse and my Kairos group and growing into my faith and trust in Him. I continue to surrender my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and life to Him. With a more “grown up” faith, I’ve begun to see God in every aspect of life, from tiny things to big things. In the freedom of surrender I have truly become content with my life for the first time, and no longer have reason to hide my flaws from my Kairos group. It’s through sharing struggles with my Kairos girls, where I receive true God given encouragement and strength to press on. Not to mention, the more vulnerable followers of Jesus can get with each other, the more we realize we’re not alone in our struggles.

Realization

All this time, I had grown up in a Christian home, I always knew the church answers, and did the Christian things – but the only thing my Savior EVER wanted was to see me surrendering my life to Him, on my knees singing holy.

It doesn’t matter what we do, what we say, what we wear, or who we meet, all the Savior of the world wants is to see His children on their knees fully surrendering to His purpose. It’s not something that happens over night, it might even take going through valleys and rough seasons for us to even realize how much we truly need a Savior. Knowing Jesus and following after him requires us to fall on our knees and sing holy to the one who gave it all for us on the cross. Letting go of the control we think we have over our lives and allow God to control and guide our lives according to his perfect and pleasing will.

God longs to hold your whole heart. Ask Him to reveal the stubborn parts of your heart that may be holding back from fully surrendering to Him.

WHY WORRY?!

I am a worry wart. I worry about almost everything. My parents tell me I am subtracting days from my life because I worry so much and that it raises my blood pressure. I try to hide the fact that I am a worrier and play it off that I am just concerned about a particular situation. I grew up knowing the infamous Steve Green kids song or jingle "Do Not Worry", inspired from the verses in Matthew 6:25-34, it is still stuck in my head and yet I can't seem to put it into practice. ((add cheery, childish harmonies to the lyrics below))

"Do not worry about tomorrow;
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink.
Is not life more important than food
and a body more than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap,
or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them!
Do not worry about tomorrow. "

I know not to worry. I know in my head that it's technically a sin to worry. When one worries, they are basically telling God "I don't trust that You will take care of my needs". So why do I worry so much!? Because I’m human and “my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak” (worship throwback). Satan knows I am a worrier so he takes any chance he has to make me worry. I hate it. I know in my heart I trust God and know He has a perfect plan for me, but I need to so desperately curve my worrying to resting in the Truth. I need to put into practice my ability to trust God wholly, by not worrying.. I love in Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse that was on almost every one of my graduation cards) the promise God gives to us, He KNOWS my plans, He promises me a hope and a future in Him. All over scripture God not only commands us not to worry and trust in Him, but gives us comfort that we aren't alone. If God is always with us, we never have to be afraid. In Acts 18, God tells Paul in a vision not to be afraid, because He was with him. God opened my heart, eyes, ears, mind, and soul this weekend to what I need to work on in my far from perfect life. God commands me not to worry, therefore I must not worry. It's as simple as that. I want to have a renewed spirit and mindset and a trust in my Creator that I can't even find room to worry. One more quote, I love how William Cowper put it in this poem about our Creator - it's so powerful how God does move in mysterious ways and all I have to do is sit back and wait patiently ... with out worrying what tomorrow will bring.

"Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower."

the truth hurts.

[EDIT: this post may be a result of thee femimine cycle;
sometimes I get cranky & conscious of my insecurities.]
my life right now seems to be going through the motions.
it doesn't seem exciting or thrilling at all, dull is the word.
my life is staying steady, not moving.
it's like I re-live the same day over and over again.
the same is happening between me and God.
Satan is attacking my spirit.
I feel weak and weary, worn down.
I need to find rest in You.
I'm not moving forward, nor backwards.
just staying at the same boring speed.
it's kind of like a 'stand-still' or a game of freeze tag.
and here I am waiting to be tagged.

God let me come alive in You. Allow me to find fullness of life in You again. I thought after last weekend things would be different, as they stay the same. Free me of worry and fear. Breathe Your living breath of life back into me. You never leave me or forsake me, even when I feel this way, let me see Your face. Give me a lively, vibrant, exciting walk with You again. If You are for me, who can be against me? Do a good work in me. I'm coming back to You, You loved me first, now let my soul long for You!

Find rest my soul
Confess your grieving
Surrender all
Embrace your healing
I will cast my cares
For You have always cared
You are greater, greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my hope is in,
You are brighter, breaking thru the night
Lighting up my sightI have seen my rest is in You

marriage & second chances

the phrase second chances has gained a whole new meaning tonight.

as we ring in another new year, we always seem to ring in a slew of second chances along with a fresh start, a clean slate. not as if new years is the only time we get another chance, life is made/filled with second chances. God has chosen to give me [us] second chances (His never ending love, mercy & grace) .. to say second would be bogus in actuality, it's honestly more like, a trillionth chance - you get the gist. so tonight Cliff opened by asking how our two thousand & eight was light heartedly; going over his top tens of the year. .. then nailed us with "how was your marriage [in two thousand & eight]?". when he first said this I know I wasn't the only one (or maybe I was, it takesme a second or so to process things .. ha) that thought it was a weird thing to ask, seeing that maybe 10 percent - if that, of the people at lighthouse on a regular basis are married ... so I for one didn't really find this relevant at first. then he went on explaining how basicaly as a follower of the Creator we are in a sense 'married' to Christ. we are the Bible says, His bride after all, “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride [the Church] has made herself ready.” Revelation 19:7.

I mean, I hear this analogy all the time, but I never grasped it the way I did tonight. as Cliff spoke of how we are in this intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe, he referred to his and Anges relationship, or any married couples relationship. he went into the example of our sin basically being lust towards another or having an affair while we are married and how we can find freedom in a pure and holy marriage. yet knowing that, we often times continue down our dangerous path of sin with the mentality of "He will always forgive me, no matter what we do". when you think of our sin as committing adultery ... it takes a whole different meaning, or to me it does. I mean I am not married .. yet, but I cannot imagine the hurt, the angst, the utter disappointment and the feeling of inadequacy that I as a wife or a man as a husband would feel if the one closest to them, the one they has once found satisfaction in was to cheat on them. to me, that would be so horrible and think to myself, well I would never let that happen if I were married ... yet it’s as if I am [all of us] committing adultery against my [our] heavenly Husband on a daily, continual basis and the worst part is that we don’t even realize it when we are lukewarm on the fence Christians. we go on in our dirty ways of sin and don’t even think of who we are cheating on -- the Creator of the universe. we are telling our spouse; "You are no longer good enough for me, You no longer satisfy my needs, I can live without you, after all You are the one that married me and I know You still love me, You will always forgive me". okay, this is such a dangerous way of life. it’s obvious that a marriage will not and cannot last when one of the spouses is constantly cheating ... marriages build on knowing the other so deeply that you cannot live without the other. in marriage, you get to know the other by effective communication, going through life with them. as Christians - brides of Christ, we are called to live our married life getting to know our Husband, through communication or prayer and go through life with Him, gaining knowledge of how He works by staying close to the Word. in Psalms 37 we find how we are called to live and go on committed to our Husband or our LORD & Savior Jesus Christ ...

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God just completely opened my eyes, and my heart tonight, that I am in dyer need of renewing my vows - not just verbally, I have to take action as well; constantly getting to know my Husband on a much much more intimate level through His word and by talking to Him ... how many married couples do you know that don’t talk, not many and if they don’t talk it’s not a good sign of a thriving marriage. also, by forsaking all others that would cause me to cheat on Him. what perfect timing, a new year, a fresh start to a renewed marriage. I thought of it like this, it’s like I met my Husband in 1995 [when I accepted Christ], we casually dated through elementary school and middle school - just figuring each other out. in high school our relationship sort of picked up, we got a tad more serious, we got married [I rededicated my life to Christ before high school], but we weren’t moving to fast. I thought I knew my Husband, but really He knew me better, He knew my weaknesses, He knew we would hit rough patches, so He waited for me. He waited there when I painfully cheated on Him, and time after time, He took me back as I begged for His forgiveness and wanted back into the marriage. then it took me till I was in college to see how I had hurt my Husband and realized how our marriage should be from now on. God has really been moving in my life for the past couple of weeks, and I am finally seeing my flaws, my mistakes, the times I’ve cheated. two thousand & nine Lord willing, marks my year of renewal, recharging, genesis', second chances at a marriage that means way to much to see it crumble. because no one is perfect, my marriage, just as everyone elses will have its moments, there will be times when I [and everyone else] will be tempted to lust or to cheat on my spouse, but my [our] Spouse thankfully doesn’t believe in divorce and paid way to big of a debt [His death on a cross] to see our marriage fall apart. therefore He, our Spouse always welcomes us, His bride back for a second chance and two thousand & nine is my second chance to strive for a well rounded and thriving marriage.

one more thing, Cliff mentioned opening to a part of scripture [Psalm 37] and when I went to flip to it, it was already marked. the card that was "book marking" it was an index card we were given around thanksgiving time during Sunday school and were asked to write what we were most thankful for in terms of our relationship with God, mine said “I am thankful for Gods mercy and grace. and for the second chances He offers”. it was for sure a God thing ... my God is not a god of luck or chance, He proves Himself right in front of us if we look for Him. my God is at work in my heart.

procrastination, is my middle name

why am I such a procrastinator!?

I leave things till the last minute way to much .. that needs to change if I want to go anywhere in my life. I lack motivation, this is definitely a flaw of mine and something I need to work on as soon as possible....because everything I do must glorify my Creator, the One that gives me the ability to do things in the first place, God help me stop procrastinating so much and let me move into action.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,

as working for the Lord, not for men,

since you know that you will receive an inheritance

from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving"

Colossians 3:23-24