OKAY. So update, I heard back from MBI ... didn't get accepted, didn't get declined, didn't get offered other options. I was just told to wait.
HONESTLY, GOD!? WAIT?! MORE WAITING?!
Want to hear what is going on in my head right now.... What the HECK. Am I STILL not FULLY grasping the patience thing?! [I consider myself PRETTY patient at this point in my life... 22 years old & still never had a boyfriend, still living at home, still waiting for direction on the next step -- have these things NOT taught me enough patience so far?!] What am I doing wrong?! Why am I not getting a clear answer, when I was expecting it!? What is God trying to teach me?! What could it possibly be, that is making a clear decision for my next phase of life be so difficult?! Why is it taking this long if I have PURE intentions to wanting a Bible degree?! I want to BUILD the Kingdom. If Moody isn't the avenue that's supposed to happen, doesn't it seem like I'm just wasting my time?! Why was I supposed to apply there in the first place?!
What is it?! Speak! Tell me! Just tell me already!?
Hey human nature, it's time to cue all of the doubt, questions, anxiety, stress, depression & anger... guess what it is ALL creeping in right on time. Where is God? Why isn't He answering/showing me where to go?!
I was TRYING to see God in all of this by reminding myself of ALL the times so far in my life that HE has shown up & not in small ways, but HUGE ways. I can say that I have SEEN God the ways that Moses has seen Him. I have experienced His grace in ways that the unclean woman has. I know that I know, that I know He is who He says He is. --- but it's difficult to REALLY believe that in my heart. My mind knows and my heart has known, but is having a hard to remembering His Truth/Ways/Love/Grace.
I'm not sure whether to consider this part, chapter, season a STORM? I'm so confused.
I KNOW that I am here for a HUGE purpose, I am an OVERCOMER since birth and the 12 inch scar down my chest reminds me daily... He has OVERCOME, so I could have a chance to OVERCOME ... that's enough of a reminder to know that I have purpose & a call on my life, but how does He want me to carry our HIS purpose for my life?! He didn't allow me to overcome for nothing!
Now what? Keep waiting?
Move forward with the OTHER options?
Can the MBI idea all together?
God remind me of who You are and who I've seen You as.... I KNOW Your provision/love/care/heart ... remind me ... reveal Yourself to me AGAIN ... get me out of this darkness ... revive me ... restore me ... redeem me
too much me, more of YOU.
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in the time of writing this & being annoyed, I've been listening to Shawn McDonald on shuffle... God ALWAYS speaks to me through music lyrics and especially through SHUFFLE... often when I'm needing to hear from Him, a song comes on and basically reminds me of who He is or encourages me...
AND every Shawn Mac song that has played randomly so far, has totally been either what I'm thinking or how I feel... I'm not even kidding and this one just now REALLY struck me, cause this is me!?
How can we know so much
Yet still be so out of touchAnd how we miss the point
When its all about, all about Love
/\ I know so much of how God is and how His ways aren't our ways, but I'm still feeling out touch and I'm missing the point that it has NOTHING about me, it's just about Him/Love.!?
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I actually accidently found this passage this morning while flipping to 1 John ... found it fitting to my current situation ... 2 Peter 1v3-11
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as I'm doing the last edit on this post, his song Take Hold came ... another good reminder of course.
There is no hope up in your eyes,
as if the blue had left your skies,
The sadness fills you cheeks of stone,
Maybe you believe you are alone.
Your face is shone with quiet despair,
as if this was what you chose to wear,
Your sin you strap upon your chest,
as if there was no longer rest, longer rest.
Take hold, don't give up.
You gotta make the best of what you got,
Give it all you best shot,
Take hold, don't give up.
Your heart seems to have hit the floor,
but I do believe you're meant to soar,
The enemy's wounds, they must go deep,
but I pray the Lord your soul to keep.
There is no taking back those days a gone,
But now it's your chance just to move on.
Make the best of the life you live,
'Cause before Him you soon will give.
You soon will give
as if the blue had left your skies,
The sadness fills you cheeks of stone,
Maybe you believe you are alone.
Your face is shone with quiet despair,
as if this was what you chose to wear,
Your sin you strap upon your chest,
as if there was no longer rest, longer rest.
Take hold, don't give up.
You gotta make the best of what you got,
Give it all you best shot,
Take hold, don't give up.
Your heart seems to have hit the floor,
but I do believe you're meant to soar,
The enemy's wounds, they must go deep,
but I pray the Lord your soul to keep.
There is no taking back those days a gone,
But now it's your chance just to move on.
Make the best of the life you live,
'Cause before Him you soon will give.
You soon will give
end for now.
1 comment:
I just stumbled upon your blog, Courtney, and I love it! It's a small world... I just graduated from Moody in December, and I actually work there full-time now. I'm so sorry that you got put on the waiting list! That happened to me, too. I saved all the "keep waiting" letters... I had a big stack of them by the time I was finally accepted in Spring 2009! If it's any encouragement, however cliched this is, God's timing really did work out for the best, better than I could have imagined. I hope that Moody lets you in soon; you sound awesome!
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