I've sown a seed. Now it's time for harvest

August... is going to be a BIG month. BIG changes coming. BIG decisions being made. Good thing I know a BIG God.

I guess I'm moving to Newcastle, Australia in October for YWAM//dts? [typing that out brings A LOT of emotions to the surface...happy/sad/excited/scared] Yeah, that's TWO months from now?! What am I thinking? I'm starting to think I'm crazy, but that's okay, God is crazy and He can literally do unimaginable things... so I guess it's okay that I'm crazy, if God's crazy. [crazy in all the right ways though!] God's will, God's bill.

I'm learning to FULLY rely on God... HE is BIG enough, STRONG enough, GRACIOUS enough, LOVING enough, and MERCIFUL enough to [want to] use me... it's hard to fathom.

I just got back from leading the BEST middle school missions trip ever. [post/update soon]

I'm actually finding myself in over my head with photography business right now, thanks to senior picture time of the year. This is turning into a really good AND bad thing.

In between a HUGE work week [this week], I have to manage to move EVERYTHING I own back to my parents house. At first I was not for the idea of moving back home, but now... I'm all for it!

It's almost my 21st birthday, birthday's are strange for me, I've never liked change and a birthday is a yearly change... you become another year older, you get further and further away from childhood and are suddenly thrown into adulthood.

For the first time in 15 years, I'm not registering for SCHOOL in August!? [more change...]

I've sown a seed.
Now it's time for harvest.


Wow.. Hmm.. Yeah..

growing pain: home

It's a rainy Saturday morning at work. I am missing Saturday's when I was growing up. Before I knew the value of sleeping in. When Saturday automatically meant house-hold-chores for the first half of the day and enjoy-a-day-off the other half of the day. Before I could drive. The time I was care-free. When life was relatively easy.

When it was nice and sunny out. We would play outside until the sun went down. Only to come inside with dirt under our nails and a ton of bug bites. Going on adventurous bike rides through our neighbor hood. Running around our giant front and backyard. Taking the tire swing and turning it into a carnival ride, using the jungle gym. Creating a water-world with a hose, the swing set and the trampoline. Playing house in our giant built-just-for-us play house. Making cities out chalk on our driveway and riding our bikes through them, making stops to grocery shop at the "Grocery Store".

Then there were Saturdays that were rainy. Those days were spent inside. Inside the family room. A room designated just for movie watching, craft making, library book reading, barbie or doll house playing, and fort building. The deep dark blue comfy carpet was very inviting to play on, no matter the time of day. If we weren't in the family room, we were in the kitchen eating Chewy Granola bars for a snack or sitting up at the kitchen bar stools talking moms ear off while she made dinner. Sometimes we would play in our bedrooms, but pretty much only on the Saturdays where we had ventured to clean our rooms that very day...the only time a room was fun to play in was when it had just been cleaned (how ironic right?). Sometime we would just use the entire house to play in, running around or chasing each other from the bedrooms all the way to the family room (causing broken bones).

Thinking about my old house makes me remember too many memories; good, bad, happy, sad, exciting, scary...ultimately causing growing pains. I'm learning that it doesn't matter what roof is over your head, it's the people under that roof that make a house a home.

testing times

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I tend to ramble...

_______________________________________

Pretty much the last few days I've probably went to write a post, ehh.... maybe five times and every time SOMETHING has come up or gotten in the way of me even desiring to finish the post or has caused me to delete it all together. There's been times in the past, where this has happened from lack of creativity, but this time it's different... it's literally as if I'm being attacked by the Enemy...it's not as if, I know it's the Enemy. He only comes to steal, kill and destroy...and that's exactly what he's trying to do. I don't mean that he's attacking my writing ability...okay maybe he is, cause I don't think this is making sense now!? But I mean in my life right now I'm coming against a lot of weird//strange attacks that are not of God. It's making me not feel like myself. Does that make sense?

J o h n 10:10
{The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;}


Like clock work it has been happening since I first mentioned out loud wanting to apply to YWAM//Big-things-for-God [dreaming big for once], it's been one thing after another... little things happening that are making me doubt, question, get annoyed, get off track, and make me think how much easier it would be if I just totally canned the YWAM//Big-things-for-God idea all together, went back to school in the fall and followed the American Dream. It's SO frustrating. Especially because I feel strongly about being called to YWAM and everyone in my life feels the same way.

On the flip side, since expressing REAL interest in YWAM//B-t-f-G... I've had some REALLY good and positive GOD things//changes happen. Where I've really seen God move in mysterious ways and have experienced true healing from Him [through friends & family, watershed, lighthouse, church]... but then again, right after the "good stuff"...the "bad stuff" comes back...maybe it's just me? maybe it's hormones? I don't know, but I do know it is the Enemy, trying to weasel in and cause me to become stubborn, lazy, doubt-filled and settle for an ordinary life.

It's reminding me a lot of the series we did at lighthouse a few months back called LIVE EVIL. The premise was basically that where ever and when ever there is something that is "LIVE" [GOOD, ALIVE, OF GOD]... the EVIL [BAD, DEAD, NOT OF GOD] is right behind it. In shadows of GOOD there's BAD. This would be a good example of God's divine t e s t i n g. HE is obviously molding, crafting, and stretching me these past few weeks...

Umm, HELLO testing .... I've seen testing of temptations more than ever, testing of patience, testing of full reliance on God, testing of trust, testing of perseverance's, testing, testing, testing = attack, after attack.

{...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.}

I KNOW God is at work and so is the Enemy... it's a spiritual battle... I can't say I've actually personally experienced it like this before. A constant spiritual game of tug-of-war...I'm glad there's is HOPE!

All that to say... I'm under a spiritual attack right now, over a matter of weeks I've seen my self go from one season, drastically right into the next season. This season is titled : testing. And all I can do is push through and pray to God that I can be strong and courageous.

A friend just texted me this verse....how fitting...

H e b r e w s 2:18
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

....Thank you Jesus for sticking with me and being in the middle of my messy life...

Z e p h a n i a h 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Life Is Never Boring

Sometimes there are days when I wish my life was more exciting. Then over the past few days, I have found myself literally laughing out loud... because my life has really never been boring.

not-so-boring-week::
Did a huge family shoot for some family friends; in the scorching heat. Went to my sisters first ever Detroit Tigers baseball game...she LOVES the D, but some how had never been? Ate late night pizza at the motor city brewery, chatted with the AgapeBabes , celebrated 4th of July with my family, some how made it to work in between, went to the beach with the siblings, had a massive water fight with middle school kids at Oasis, ran around town to get things done for my YWAM application and finally sent a package to Australia! Hung out downtown with good friends, realized how soon a good friend is moving out of state, met my new neighbor at 1:30 in the morning...by breaking in with my landlord, crashed at my sisters apartment because I can't sleep somewhere alone, shot a really pretty wedding along side a sweet professional photog, ate fancy hors d'oeuvres, ran into a creepy-regular-male-library-patron at the wedding....who happens to be a bartender on the weekends!? Ran through golf course sprinklers, heard that the church I grew up in merged with church and prayed through lighthouse, and did a kids shoot in a sweet park!

I don't think my life is boring anymore.

Kari Jobe: You Are For Me

Kari Jobe just released a video for one of my favorite worship songs...such truth in the lyrics.
Kind of needed this song tonight...love how it reminds me of who HE is.

Weekend Report.

Two exciting things...

1. My third sister -- not blood related -- got married last night! She's been Brittany's best friend since middle school and has pretty much been an extended part of our family since then. It was the best wedding I've been to in a while. It was seriously perfect. An out door wedding, by the water, clear skies, sun setting, yummy food, lots of dancing, amazing family and friends...it was so great. I'm so happy for them! They are planning on moving to Australia in October which brings me to the next item..

2. I'm FINALLY filling out an application to YWAM! If I get accepted I'll be leaving in October for New Castle, Australia... for five months! It's crazy how God is moving and working! My mom pretty much said that she would be upset with me if I waste any more time contemplating whether I should apply or not! I wrote in my journal the other night (shocking...that rarely happens) that if I don't apply this week that I will regret it the rest of my life. I'm at the prime time of my life to do something like this...nothing is holding back. Can't wait to see what's next and where God is leading... ::s i g h:: I've also been reading he book of Ecclesiastes...oh man! So fitting for my life right now!

i s a i a h fourty

I was reminded of Isaiah 40 today.
good read : good reminder : good God, amen!

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

ah. d r e a m e r.

Lighthouse summer series started last week and it’s titled “DREAM”. It got me thinking about my dreams…therefore I shall type [some of] them out. Some are a little far fetch, but a dreams a dream!

[Really in no particular order…just as they come to me I guess]

Dream//Wish List:

1. Live in a trendy Ikea-ed out New York [or Chicago] loft on my own
2. Travel and experience the w o r l d with a camera in hand [Australia, India, Africa…starters]
3. Start a woman’s ministry that intertwines generations, mixing the young and the wise for a greater impact.
4. Study with YWAM..! [base TBD]
5. Write a book about the celebration & value of womanhood.
6. Get married when I'm still relatively young and raise a family.
7. Run a marathon in a reasonable time.
8. Have morning coffee with Oprah & afternoon tea with Beth Moore.
9. Climb a mountain.
10. Become a children's psychologist and/or counselor.
11. Go to Fashion Week [Paris, New York, or LA]
12. Drink coffee and read a book in a Paris a cafe.
13. Have one of my photographs on display in a museum.
14. Celebrate Christmas during the Summer.
15. Ride my bike to other side of the state.
16. Be more spontaneous.
17. Sleep on a beach.
18. Go to the Olympics [as a spectator of course...]
19. Have God and I time in the Holy Land.
20. Work at a bookstore just like, “The Shop Around the Corner” on You've Got Mail.
21. End sex trafficking, both nationally and internationally.
22. Vacation in Fiji.
23. Teach a Yoga class.
24. Adopt a baby.
25. Open a card & cupcake shoppe.
26. Wake up one day with 20/20 vision.
27. Live in a house with a wrap around porch.
28. Maintain a journal for an entire year. [...current journal started in 2006, sad I know]
29. Work for a major marketing company and know what it's like to be a power hungry career babe.
30. Get a tattoo and not regret it ten years later.

"When Jesus is at the core of our lives,

HE becomes the inspirer of our d r e a m s."

- Steven Khoshaba (via facebook status)

A Lifetime Movie

What if your life was a movie? You would have the lead role. What other co-stars would there be? How would the other characters act? What kind of ending would there be? What would the climax be? Would it be a comedy or a tragedy?

I was listening to Band of Horses latest album the other day, while sitting in Caribou working on potential photography business plans. I couldn’t help but keep the title track Infinite Arms on repeat. Every time it would loop, one line stood out:

“It's like living in a movie twisting the plot…”

God, the ultimate director; gives Steven Spielberg a run for his money. In fact He has directed the most movies ever…in all history. For every person in the world there is a grand cinema being lived out daily. Scene by scene, God wrote it and is now directing your very own movie. Cool to think about eh?

Unfortunately, a lot of times we live like the line in the song. Constantly trying to twist the plot of the life we’re living. If we would just stick to the movie plot that God intended, we could continue to draw close to Him and we would see his work be fulfilled through us. Yet, once we start twisting the scenes to fit our selfish desires, the plans God had for us begin to be fulfilled through someone else’s movie -- ultimately making us to miss out on God's blessing and favor on our life. We need to stop twisting the plot God has for us and start living out the amazing plot He already wrote for us, the one He wants to see acted out.

We're even lucky enough to have out takes at the end of our film, every time we mess up a line or don't act the right way, we're given another chance to re-shoot the scene! Take after take, God's mercies are spread all over our movie, because we might forget our lines and mess up a scene. God knows where, when, and how we will mess up in our movie -- yet STILL chooses to give us another take.


God is the director of all directors and it hurts Him to see his actors try and twist their plots. It won't be easy to get all of our lines and acting right. In fact, it will take a lot of hard work and extra effort, but we can rest assured that our ending will be eternal.

The Awakening of Wedded Bliss

Danielle is getting hitched!! The first of our group of girl friends to get engaged..oh man! I seriously couldn't be more excited for her and her groom-to-be...they are a great couple and I'm excited for what God has in store for them. I feel like, pretty much from here on out engagements and weddings will start to become the "norm" amongst my group of girl friends.. most, if not all have boyfriends and talk about getting engaged soon. It's weird, I always think of engaged couples to be so much older than me, I guess times are changing?! Not only that, my mom is constantly hounding my sister and I about guys...umm... just because she was married and had kids by the time she was 22 doesn't mean it will be the same for her daughters...it's almost has bad as my grandma who every time she sees her three grand daughters, she asks when are we getting engaged...then we have to explain, "well grandma, seeing that none of the Fillmore girls (B & L) have ever dated... that might be a little hard" ::sigh:: Guess my mom and grandma will just have to keep waiting...my time will come...hopefully

p a t i e n c e i s a v i r t u e.

Go Forth

My cool twin Lindsay showed me this video.
It's a collection of stories.
I like the importance of sharing life stories.
I don't know if it's nosy or not,
but I LOVE knowing other people's life stories...
who they are, what they like, why they do what they do.

WARNING: Work Complaint

My first "real job" was working in a Bakery at a Whole Foods-esque grocery store in a wealthy suburb. Therefore, I became familiar with dealing with snotty plastic women who need their gluten free bread sliced a certain way, no matter how many loafs it takes. While learning to ignore arrogant slimy men, who try to make conversation more than what kind of coffee they'd like. Here I thought those were the only kind of annoying people....

Now after almost two years of working at the local Library, I've grown to long for the days when I was scolded for a stale cupcake or having to explain ten times that we were out of multi-grain for the day. The customers at the bakery seem like saints compared to the patrons [the Library likes to give customers a fancy name] that come into the Library on a day-to-day basis!

Maybe it's because the Library is a free service, right off a busy intersection and that's why we get so many crazy people all at once? Maybe it's because I am just not equipped to work with the general public? Maybe it's just me and this is how ALL people act?! Whatever the reason...I miss the nights I would come home from work and the only story I could tell was that a customer caught me bagging their bread with one glove on.

There really is NO one - way to describe the assortment of people that come into this library. They are simply a bunch of CHARACTERS! Coming in all shapes, sizes, races, and age. It drives me crazy sometimes how they treat me, other co-workers or other patrons.

I deal with... People who become regulars and it's weird if I'm at work and they are not. Bratty school kids that come in to "study" and tend to act up instead...making me second guess ever wanting to raise kids! Computer illiterate people who honestly have never touched a mouse in their life. Straight up bizarre people who ride around my department in a scooter, yet I see them walking perfectly normal through the parking lot or around the library. Foreign people who can't speak English and get upset at me for not understanding my directions. Creepy men who make inappropriate remarks to younger girl patrons. People who argue me. People who thank me. People who I know from high school. People that ask me what their email password is...how would I know their password!? People that online gamble for eight hours straight. People who are looking for jobs. People who can't control their own children. People who don't save in time and lose a whole days worth of work, because our computers shut down automatically. People who call me raciest for removing their belongings out of a 30-minute plus vacant study room. People who tell me what to do...yet I'm the one getting paid? People who tell me that I am a mean person, then ask for my name to make a complaint...just because I didn't know how to answer their question. People who are grateful for my help. People who know my name. People who I see when I'm out with my friends. People who need computer help. :: s i g h ::

ALL that to say... it's such human-nature tendency to not love the unlovable. In this case, the unlovable being the annoying people that come into a Library on a daily basis. We tend to not like the people that don't like us. No matter how nasty the attitude is of someone I'm working with is, I still have to love them. No matter how I'm being treated, I still have to show love to the person whose mistreating me. Of course, this is applicable in ALL areas of life... family, friends, coworkers, professors, and strangers.

These people that come into my story every day at work are just characters that the Author of my life added to make life less boring I guess....now I just have to choose daily to love them whether they annoy me or not.

Sunday School Throwback.

Tonight, I was reminded of Steve Green's sing-a-long Overcome Evil With Good. Evil comes and it seriously destroys through words, actions, thoughts, motives. I can't let it overcome me.
Romans 12 is one of my favorite passages in the Bible, with that said - tonight I'm meditating on this.

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

¹³Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.

¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.

²⁰On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Let Us Pray

Jesus prayed for his followers, he modeled how we should pray through his word. We’re called to “pray without ceasing” and to “present [our] requests to God”. (1 Thessalonians 5:17 & Philippians 4:6) The house I grew up in had a stain glass window in the dinning room, with a picture of Jesus on his knees praying. This picture is a clear representation of what we, as followers of Christ are called to do...pray continuously.

Prayer is powerful. Things happen when God’s people pray. Yet, we can take prayer for granted sometimes, or at least I know I am guilty of it. Shallowly asking God to forgive my laundry list of wrongs, begging to pass an exam I know I did’t study for, or asking for things like I’m talking to Santa. Not that there’s a right way and no wrong way to pray, we just need to keep our motives in check.

Prayer is about communicating with God himself, not telling Santa what you want for Christmas. If being able to talk to the Creator of the universe is not powerful to you, I don’t what else is!? He hears us when we talk to Him. He longs for us to take time out of our day to talk to Him. As in any relationship, communication is the key.

That's why I LOVED Lighthouse last weekend! Before Lighthouse a group of us met to pray for Lighthouse. Of course, as a Collective we should constantly be praying for Lighthouse, though it seems especially important as we move into a new season. We prayed for anyone coming for the first time, for the future of Lighthouse, for those that attend regularly and that God would move through out the Collective. It was amazing to spend time in prayer before transitioning into worship.

To most of our surprise, we spent a good portion of the night in prayer -- instead of listening to a message. The entire Collective lifted up prayers of thankfulness, humility and simple requests to God. Thankful for those who had gone before us, that had set the platform we now have to reach more young adults for Christ. We humbly praised God for giving us this new chapter in our ministry, asking God to not let us lose sight of Him through these next big steps. Then we asked God to move in the hearts of those who had never been to Lighthouse before and that maybe by passing out postcards, we would be inclined to reach more young adults in our community.

Last night [Wednesday] I sat with my mom at my brother’s baseball game and told her how cool it was that we had prayed so much at Lighthouse. Not only did a group pray before Lighthouse, but that the entire Collective prayed during Lighthouse as well. The next thing I know, she suddenly started asking all these questions, “When were you praying?!” or “What were you praying about specifically!?”, as I answered her hurried questions, I shot back with a “why”, curious to why she was so excited about us praying during Lighthouse.

My mom began explaining to me the story of a woman she works with. This woman, not a believer, but knows my mom is, came to her in hopes she knew of a good local church for her daughter to get involved at this summer. The daughter became a Christian during high school, therefore wanted to go to a Christian college upon graduation. Now that classes are over, she’s home for the summer and has been struggling to find a church to get plugged into. My mom mentioned that Lighthouse was a great place for college students to get involved at, even if they’re only home for the summer. The woman seemed interested and said she would tell her daughter about Lighthouse.

The following morning my mom goes into work as usual, but this time is different, she is met by the woman from the day before. She begins to exclaim how she had told her daughter about Lighthouse and that she also seemed interested. The same night she had told her daughter about Lighthouse, her daughter went into work at Macy’s and was handed a Lighthouse postcard. The daughter is now planning on coming to the launch of the Summer Series.

When we pray God hears us and if we truly want to see God move amongst the Collective and in our community, we cannot stop praying. God really does move in mysterious ways and prayer does in fact work. Some would call this a coincidence, but I would call it the power of prayer. Therefore, let us pray.

Lily of the valley.

modern day miracle.

a mom & dad try to start a family but nothing happens.
doctors say it's not possible & other options don't seem to work.
at the end of the rope they begin to accept that maybe God has other plans for them.
with a simple e-mail & a few phone calls later, they meet the Lily of their valley.
God miraculously placed a baby girl in their loving arms
& they now have the family they had always hoped for.

Lindsay & I got to watch Lily this week while her parents were on a much needed vaycay. so far every morning when I've watched her eating breakfast or playing with her toys or squirming around ... I've easily been reminded that she is truly an answer to so many prayers & simply a...

m i r a c l e.

listen to this.

M83 : saturdays = youth

broken bells : broken bells

empire of the sun : walking on a dream

mumford & sons : sigh no more

band of horses : infinite arms

Not necessarily new albums or releases,
but definitely note worthy
as they top off my iTunes top 25 played.

My Mom's Day.

Mom's day was on Sunday & we got to celebrate the best of the best ... sorry to those of you fooled into thinking your mom is the best, you're mistaken ... for real, because only five humans have the best mom.

To surprise her, I got all five kids together for an updated "kids picture".

Thanks to::
+ my garage sale tripod
+ the heavy Spring rain stopping for 20 minutes
+ all the sibs cooperating.

A Souls Journey of Surrender

Hit In the Heart

The other night I was driving to Oasis (middle school youth group at church) and Nichole Nordeman’s song, Holy came on Detroit’s sad excuse of a Christian music station … but that’s for another blog. Of course I’ve heard this song hundreds of times, seeing back in the day I was only allowed to listen to CCM. With the windows down and her tune blasting a line, hit me right in the heart:

"all You ever wanted was, me on my knees singing holy"

I found myself reflecting on where my life had taken me up to that point, my souls journey of a once safe, comfortable faith, and struggle of not letting go of control over my life. Twenty years of a life lived selfishly; all my Savior ever wanted, was for me to be brought to my knees. He had patiently been waiting for me to surrender and truly sing “holy” to Him.

The Christian Facade

My name is Courtney Fillmore and I am a poster child for kids that grow up in a Christian home. I know all the church answers and did all the right things. But it was not until I was nineteen that I truly gave God my life.

Being born into a Christian home doesn’t mean you’re automatically born again into His Home it simply means your parents are followers of Jesus, therefore they do their best to “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Because my parents did a good job of training up this child, my life consisted of the following:

Watching McGee and Me, listening to Adventures in Odyssey on the way home from my Christian elementary school, going to AWANA’s every Wednesday, saying “the prayer” when I was six, being at every youth group event, praying for the other kids making decisions at summer camp, knowing how to take communion, not dressing immodestly, wearing a purity ring, working at a Christian camp, not partying, and choosing not date in high school, etc.

This list of actions might have made me stick out to the world, but they never made me a true-leave it all behind, follower of Jesus. Not that I am complaining or wishing I was raised any other way, this list just makes me realize how much I took knowing the name of Jesus for granted.

Knowing Jesus is not doing a list of things to stick out to the world, it’s about a heart change. It took me a long time to realize that being a follower of Jesus was more than doing what Christians are “supposed to do”. To be a follower of Jesus Christ means you wholly surrender your being to the one who crafted you in your mother’s womb. Letting go of any control you think you have on your own life and letting God take control of it – even if it hurts, isn’t what you wanted or isn’t what you planned. Being a follower of Jesus involves having a heart for God and a desire to live out His purpose. Being open to where the Spirit is leading you and selflessly choosing to, “act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God..”

Being raised in a Christian home has truly been a blessing, but for me it made me a stubborn Jesus follower. Stubborn in the sense that I knew I was a follower of Christ but was too comfortable doing the right things and wasn’t open to God fully taking control of my life. There was always a piece of me holding back, a stubborn piece of my heart that wouldn’t give in. It took me till I was out of high school to even realize that I hadn’t totally given God my life.

Surrendering For Good

At the close of my senior year of high school, I hadn’t fully let go of my life and let God take hold of it. My post high school plans were to go to Bible college and marry a pastor, but when that didn’t work out, I got upset that God wasn’t fulfilling what I thought was His will for my life. I had not taken the blinders off of my plans to fully see Gods plan.

The part of my heart that was being stubborn was being suffocated by embedded sin and was in the way of seeing what God wanted for my life. It wasn’t until I confessed this embedded sin that I would be able to surrender to God for good.

In this surrender was when I started to see the most change in my life. Fully surrendering to God and letting go of past sin, regrets and failures brought such freedom that could only come from Christ. The stubborn part of my heart was beginning to soften.

My life began to rearrange from the moment my graduation party was over and college classes were about to start. I was starting to accept the fact that God must have bigger and better things for me at home, than off at Bible College. I had a new mindset and began to grow into my own faith, a faith apart from parents for the first time. It almost felt like I was a Christian for the first time, really living in the will of God and not looking back. After getting involved at Lighthouse, I even began see how shallow and safe my Christian walk had been before I had surrendered my life to God.

Joining a Kairos group seemed like a given to this work-in-progress-then-college-freshman. After all it just seemed natural to be involved with mid-week church activities. Kairos to me seemed like the usual small group setting I was use to, where I could share my story on surface level and most importantly socialize with my friends.

It didn’t take long to learn that I had the wrong idea of Kairos and that it was vastly different than any other small group settings I had been involved with prior. This word, vulnerability was thrown around a lot in our group, which at first scared me because I didn’t want people to see my flaws, but that’s right when God continued to prick at my heart.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:16

God has continued to soften my heart through getting plugged into Lighthouse and my Kairos group and growing into my faith and trust in Him. I continue to surrender my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and life to Him. With a more “grown up” faith, I’ve begun to see God in every aspect of life, from tiny things to big things. In the freedom of surrender I have truly become content with my life for the first time, and no longer have reason to hide my flaws from my Kairos group. It’s through sharing struggles with my Kairos girls, where I receive true God given encouragement and strength to press on. Not to mention, the more vulnerable followers of Jesus can get with each other, the more we realize we’re not alone in our struggles.

Realization

All this time, I had grown up in a Christian home, I always knew the church answers, and did the Christian things – but the only thing my Savior EVER wanted was to see me surrendering my life to Him, on my knees singing holy.

It doesn’t matter what we do, what we say, what we wear, or who we meet, all the Savior of the world wants is to see His children on their knees fully surrendering to His purpose. It’s not something that happens over night, it might even take going through valleys and rough seasons for us to even realize how much we truly need a Savior. Knowing Jesus and following after him requires us to fall on our knees and sing holy to the one who gave it all for us on the cross. Letting go of the control we think we have over our lives and allow God to control and guide our lives according to his perfect and pleasing will.

God longs to hold your whole heart. Ask Him to reveal the stubborn parts of your heart that may be holding back from fully surrendering to Him.

r e l a x a t i o n

In California ... babysitting for a cute baby!

feeling super b l e s s e d to have an opportunity to be on a relaxing vaycay with the sweetest family!

as of late.

I went to Chicago last weekend. Hung out with sweet people. Was followed by drunk Polish adolescence. Saw the city bloomed and blossomed thanks to my friend, Spring. Enjoyed the sunshine. Ate expensive food. Took lots and lots of snap-shots. Worshiped with Hillsong United, for the second time. Saw the Spirit move through a crowd of 10,000+. Got little, to no sleep. Had a l o n g car ride home -- flat tire = adventure. Twas' a good weekend.

dreamer

This week I have had some of the most vivid dreams ever. All of which have involved people I know well, causally, or not at all [as in -- know of them, but not personally]. Some of them have been straight up bizarre and some of them I would love to see come true. Some have been totally unrealistic and some of them could very well happen. Dreams this vivid and realistic make me wish I knew the meaning behind them. Wondering if dreams actually really could ever hold meaning. In the Bible people encountered God and found meaning in dreams...dreams make me let out a big "hmmm..."

::sigh::

Guess we'll never know...

{sweet dreams have a new meaning}

S P R I N G

If you know me at all you know I strongly dislike that cold, gray, dark, bitter season...what's it called again, oh yeah winter.. That's why right when the clocks change and the sun begins to shine again, the grass starts to show and the buds start to bloom, I fall in love all over again with the state of Michigan.

This past week has be the greatest spring weather ever! from the 60's to HIGH 70's .... this weather makes me am happy. Sun shinning, birds chirping, flowers blooming, pulling out the skirts and flip flops, seeing people outside...it all makes my heart happy.

E A S T E R weekend::

Good Friday -- Good Friday is the day when Christians reflect the horrifying death of our Savior, but it's a good day because we KNOW that that's not the end of the story. Our Savior is alive and living in the souls of his children! First our family went to the Good Friday service at church... it was a great time to worship and reflect what Christ did for you and me. Later Lindsay and I made dinner for Ashley and Steph...it was so fun! Our first dinner party was a success. Later that night we headed down to Pontiac for Lighthouse's Good Friday service. We had a sweet opportunity to hold our Good Friday service at the Crofoot in Pontiac...it was sweet! The venue was totally packed and the presence of God was felt. Cliff brought a good word from the journey of Jesus' death to resurrection. There was communion and time well spent in reflection of what Christ did for the world on the cross. The worship was also amazing...to think that people walking by the venue could hear 20-somethings praising Jesus' name at the top of their lungs was an unbelievable thought...it was quit a night to remember. After the service Linds, Ashley, Steph, and I went to IHOP at 2:00a...it was so fun, then we went home and crashed and slept in till 12....unreal! ... I love my what Jesus did for ME on the cross. I love my church. I love my friends. I love sleeping in!Such a good Friday.

Saturday -- after sleeping in way too late, we walked around the city and hung out at the local Bou...we're becoming regulars, I love it. Then we ventured home...in the rain, we made it though! Then we headed to a friends birthday party that reminded us of a graduation party...it was funny...but we had a good time. THEN to top off the night, Lindsay and I ran into the mall on our way home to get a last minute Easter outfit essential and bumped into two guys from a local worship band that we poke fun of ALL the time...but they totally recognized us! While we were making small talk, we mentioned where we were living and they told us how trendy we were...Lindsay & I got quit a laugh out of their comments...after we ended the conversation of course.

Easter Sunday -- We spent the night at mom and dads house...because it was a holiday, so we woke up to Belgium waffles and Easter gifts...I still don't understand the whole getting gifts on Easter, but I'm not complaining. Then we headed to church with the fam and church was packed out! It was so great, everyone looked their Sunday best...with pastels, ties, dresses, skirts, and suite jackets. Church was really good, of course. After church we took pictures and went to our families house for dinner. I love holidays, time spent with the family is always time well spent and to warp it off with relaxation is so great!

Easter season seriously makes me SO thankful for Jesus. It's like Thanksgiving, but in the Spring. Being able to reflect on the ultimate gift to man kind is amazing...Christ sent his son for the whole world! It's a lot to wrap my brain around! But not only did he send his son, his son took on OUR shame and rose from the grave to LIVE in you and me and WASH us c l e a n from our shame! Jesus is so good...such L O V E shown on through the death and Resurrection of Jesus.




“For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”- 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

season to s t r e t c h

{It took me almost two weeks to write this all out...

hopefully it makes sense?!

In a nut shell, God taught me &

stretched me a lot last week!}

____________________________________________

march 20, 2010

This week has proven to be a roller coaster of emotions & situations. [Okay, hormones kind of have something to do with it, but that’s beside the point] Either way, there was quit a s t r e t c h in my life. It’s probably one of many to come, seeing it seems this is a season of stretching for me…all to make me stronger I would presume.

To live a healthy life it's good to stretch out your muscles.

Like every other muscle our HEARTS need a good

s t r e t c h

every now and then too.

{Sunday} My week started with an incredible night of worship at church. I have never heard our church worship so hard & loud in the eight years I've been there.... it was amazing. God really shifted my heart and outlook on worship, remembering not to leave my worship in the four walls of the church -- take it to the streets. I left with a renewed mind set and empowered spirit…ready to take on the week… little did I know that it would be quit the week.

{Sunday Night} That night was followed by an almost weekly three way call [between twin, Ashley, & Stephanie - where we discuss what's going on in our life pretty much]. We went on talking about boys, potentials, dreams, waiting, and God's timing. I hung up annoyed, instead of the usual feeling of being encouraged and joyful that I have great friends. I found myself doubting my self-esteem and questioning my confidence like mad. The devil literally grabbed my heart and was making me believe I wasn't worth anyone’s time…which sounds super petty but I was really feeling inadequate. To be feeling like this right after an amazing night of worship was really just…annoying. Plus, this can be such a dangerous move, when anyone (girls in particular), think of themselves less because they've never had a boy turn their way or pay them attention. Of course it would feel flattering, but we can't rely on the feeling we get from affirmation from the opposite sex to make us feel good about our self or to find our confidence. The doubts filled my mind as I was easily reminded that I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, or even asked to “get coffee” as we had just talked about. I couldn’t believe that the Devil had gotten me so easily?! It made me mad and I went to bed praying that I could be okay without a guy trying to fill my voids and asking God for strength because doubting myself and keeping my confidence up is definitely a past struggle…one that Satan surely grasps when he can.

{Monday Morning} The next day I woke up flustered because I was starting a yoga class – one that we ended up arriving 30 minutes late, due to the fact we thought it started at 8:30, not 8:00. So for the next stretch in my week, I had to get physically stretched. It was seriously the most relaxing, yet physical thing I've ever done. I felt so great after the class was out! As we walked to Caribou my legs felt like jelly [in a good relaxed way] so I knew I was doing something right in class. After working out you always feel better about yourself & that you can conquer the day…so I did. I left my self-pity from the night before in the yoga room & talked to God while we wrapped up the session lying flat on our backs…it felt so great.

{Monday Night} Knowing I could conquer my usual “case of Monday’s” I knew I needed to rethink my attitude about going into work that night. Once I got to work I really made it an effort to be kind hearted to ALL of my patrons. [Even the ones that seriously make me want to pull out my hair…super arrogant, snotty, & inconsiderate people.] By doing so I was taking my worship minded spirit to the streets…or to the Library anyway. I couldn’t believe how different patrons responded to me [even the cranky ones] when I wasn’t easily angered and more loving towards them. Instead of looking at them as a patron, someone I was trying to help, I looked at him or her as someone that God created, someone He choice to be a character in my story for whatever reason. Not only was I being encouraged from the people at work, I read Romans 8 and was amazed that God takes us no matter where we’ve been and chooses to use us to further his kingdom.

{Tuesday} Getting out of the door on time has always been and will always be a struggle for Lindsay & I. We love being on time but trying to roll out of bed on time and make it to school 5 minutes before class starts has proven to be a challenge. We shuffled out the door and arrived late to class…it was kind of okay just because it was my Drawing class. But still, I just hate being that person that walks in late and is asking around frantically about the assignment or homework that was passed out while I was still on 75. So the stretches began, not only was I late and flustered I had totally forgotten I had an exam in Biology right after my Drawing class. I showed up for the exam completely unprepared. Worrying about how this would affect my grade, how could I have done this… spewing negative self talk the rest of the day, not my ideal Tuesday afternoon. After cooling down a bit and realizing my negative self talk wasn't going to change my grade I drank a Caribou strawberry-banana smoothie and meditated on Colossians 3… a super encouraging passage:: my heart was being stretched :: Later I had Kairos and our group had an awesome discussion surrounding finding our confidence in HIM, instead of what others think of us – then Ange mentioned the same passage I was just reading from Colossians, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God”. It was totally a ‘God thing’. Kairos was so encouraging…especially after having an annoying day. All that to say God’s little tests were starting to work and I was starting to feel the burn of a good stretch in my heart.

{Wednesday Morning} Every Wednesday morning I work a pretty easy shift and actually really enjoy having a kind-of break from school during the week. While I was at work, I finished reading Romans 8 and was still trying to wrap my mind around how amazing the God is we serve. Passages like… “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” & “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” & “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” were stretching my heart in an unbelievable way. In fact one of the “Babes” [nickname for a fellow AgapeBabe] was just sharing the night before a trial she was going through and so I shot her a Facebook message with Romans 8 in it… I love when God encourages you, you encourage someone else, and then they encourage someone else, and then someone encourages you… I love that cycle we get to be a part of in the body of Christ. Anyway, so mid week God was clearly stretching my heart in a big way, I could feel Him more than ever and to think it was only Wednesday. While still at work, I thought it would be a good idea to read over my Oasis lesson, so I wouldn’t get tongue tied and would be prepared to give out answers. As I was reading it, God showed up again and the lesson was all about CONFIDENCE… something I had been struggling with at the beginning of the week. Not only was it on confidence and a lesson I, myself also needed to learn from, the passage Steve used was Romans 8!! I could hardly believe it, again – totally a God thing. God was seriously showing up everywhere.

{Wednesday Night} Later that night, after Oasis and teaching a lesson I needed just as much as my Oasis girls needed, I was totally being pulled down by Satan… again. Isn’t it funny that Satan steps in right when we’re on these spiritual highs, that’s how much he hates us getting close and intimate with a loving God. I was stressing out about a paper I HAD to get done that night because I wouldn’t have time to complete it Thursday night. Being the procrastinator I am and giver-upper [major flaw] I negatively talked myself out of writing the paper and left it till the following day… big mistake. The way I push things aside till the last minute is totally not something to be proud of and in that moment of giving up, it was almost like I was giving into Satan in a weird way. I wasn’t believing in Romans 8, that I could be more than a conqueror in the situation. Giving up, I was setting up a headache of a Thursday and piling on of more stress than I would have had to deal with if I would’ve simply written the paper that night.

{Thursday} For me, Thursday’s are usually the weekend, so I look forward to them. However every three weeks they are major cramming and homework nights. When the third week comes around, I gear up to turn in a Government paper and then go in for an exam Friday morning. Knowing myself too well I always know that Thursday nights with a paper/exam due the day are never good days for me. I try to tell myself a week before they are due… “Oh, this time I will start a week early, so I’m not so stressed out”… without fail, every third Thursday I kick myself for not starting a week ahead. This week was different though, instead of having all Thursday to complete the paper, I had a time limit because Lindsay and I agreed to babysit a family together that night. So that’s where I was on Thursday, after my Bio Lab, I rushed over to Panera to conquer my paper by 3:00 [when we had to go babysit]. Three in the afternoon rolled around and I had gotten a pretty decant size of work down… however the paper STILL wasn’t done. Knowing I had to go babysit I figured after we were done, I could just hit up a 24 hour coffee shop with free wi-fi to put the finishing touches on my paper and send it off into cyber space. The parents came home and Lindsay and I rushed over to the coffee shop for only about half hour. While skimming facebook [AFTER the paper was done of course] and still feeling stressed out and discouraged with school stuff, I updated my status in frustration to “:serious status: God says He won't give us more than we can handle....but right now I am pretty sure I can't handle school... clinging to Romans 8...”. I usually try not to update in frustration but this night in particular I had to! Right when I posted in, my friend Tabitha wrote me a really encouraging message [part of the encouragement circle between the body of Christ!] and it totally changed my heart… made me remember that literally in everything – even the small, minute things we go through, God still cares and wants us to conquer life with Him!!

{Friday} The last day of the week, school week any way, is always my favorite. Friday holds a lot of promises… break from school, sleeping in [sometimes], hanging out with friends, church, ect. I knew this Friday in particular was my favorite when I conquered my Government exam and got my current grade! As I dashed out of the school no later than 9:30, I couldn’t believe the joy that filled me. I made it, I was done [for a time..] with school, all the papers, exams, bad days, and ups and downs of the previous few days were behind me and I was READY for the weekend! Lindsay and I, not having wifi in our apartment now spend a lot of time at Caribou… good coffee and free wifi, it makes sense. So we started our weekend off by grabbing some Caribou and using their free wifi for a bit before we started the rest of our Friday. Once we got to the ‘Bou, I realized my computer was dead and neither of us had a charger… With out hesitation, I said I’ll be back in five, I’m running home to grab a charger – seeing we live five minutes away and what would be the point of using the wifi if my computer was dead?!

I through the car into reverse drink in hand and am on my way to our cute little apartment. Side note, I play it pretty safe when I am driving, I am that person who may or may not start slowing down JUST because I think the light MIGHT turn yellow. Any way, I am on my way home down the three lane road we live off of. Clearly a old person driving the left lane had no where important to go, as they were driving 5 under the limit [or so I thought]. I raised my speed to pass them and then once in the left lane again, I slowed down. Not even a second later, I see flashing red and blue lights in my rear view mirror. I could not believe this, all I was thinking was “does this guy know what kind of week I just had?!” & “I never speed, why is he pulling me over!?”. More annoyed than scared or upset [a.k.a. crying] I unrolled my window and listened to the grouchy old officer tell me how I was going 15 over, then I handed him my license and registration… without my proof of insurance [our car got broken into on NYE and the robber took our P.O.I. & being the procrastinator I am, never bothered getting a new copy]. The officer came back after what felt like an eternity, and explained that since I had a clean driving record that he would only ticket me for going 10 over and that if I set up a court date, that I could possibly get the 2 points off of my license AND get a cheaper fine if I brought in my proof of insurance to show the judge. :: sigh :: After collecting my thoughts I proceeded to my apartment and finally made it back to the ‘Bou.

Later that day, after realizing that my ticket was just ONE more test and that life would move on, I went to a “WSM freshmen girls” sleepover. It was super encouraging just to relax and have fun with high school girls after what to me was a “horrible” week. At the sleepover, by mom had Ashley and Stephanie share their stories which again, was super encouraging. Being able to share their stories to younger girls was so awesome to be a part of. Each of them have an amazing and life changing stories of what they went through in high school. I just hope and pray that after hearing their stories the younger girls will be able to filter their decisions and not fall into pressures that are found through the high school years.

{Sunday} Short & sweet...Cliff spoke about Romans 8 and we sang "Healing Is In Your Hands"...if that's not God, I don't know what is. [link to podcast & song]

All of that to say… God KNEW how much I could handle and didn't give me more than I was able. Even when I felt like I couldn’t handle something, God was there and saw me through my ups and downs of the week. The entire week God was in control and continued to S T R E T C H me the whole time, I might not of enjoyed it at first, but s t r e t c h i n g sometimes hurts.

GOD ALWAYS GOES BEFORE US.

HE KNEW WHAT I WOULD STRUGGLE WITH THIS WEEK

AND HAD IT PLANNED THAT EVERY THING WOULD LINE UP PERFECTLY

SO I COULD S T R E T C H MY HEART OUT A BIT..

:: allow GOD to step into your days and you will see that every step you take matters and is worth it. When we walk in step with HIM we will find HIM

Passion:: AWAKENING

Out today is Passion Conference's latest album AWAKENING. It's definitely a must buy. With new and old songs from their live worship event in Atlanta Georgia this past January.

Track Listing::
1. Awakening
2. Say, Say
3. Our God
4. How He Loves
5. Healing Is In Your Hands
6. King of Heavens (Isaiah 61)
7. You Alone Can Rescue
8. Where the Spirit of the Lord Is
9. Rise and Sing
10. Like a Lion
11. Chosen Generation
12. With Everything
13. A Mighty Fortress
14. Jesus Messiah
15. The Stand

{Name above names, Lamb that was slain, Beautiful God.
King above Kings, God of all things, Beautiful God.
And there is no other name, like Jesus.
Give You all of the praise, oh Lord.
So let hope rise and darkness tremble in Your holy light.
That every eye would see Jesus our God,
great and mighty to be praised.}

Random Rambles.

{FREEDOM}
Living on my own is such freedom! I love it! I can't believe it's real life now. It's kind of scary though how fast you really have to grow up when you live on your own. No more depending on the parents to buy things you know you need, but you've always took for granted because you never had to buy tolit paper or dish soap....mmm....I do love it though! It's proven to be such a fun adventure thus far. From moving out to moving in, painting, shopping, and organizing. Lindsay and I are having such fun with our own place, especially in a downtown area, where everything is in walking distances. *sigh* We love it! We feel super blessed too that we were able to make such a smooth move and transition! God has been too good to us!

{EXCITEMENT}
Can I just say life is SO exciting right now [& moving fast]...so much potential and possibilities. Seriously living "FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS".... I love this time of my life, experiencing true freedom really for the first time in my life -- not only in my everyday life & living on my own, but with God too! Speaking of where God has taken me, my Oasis small group has seriously grown up in the past few weeks and God is doing awesome things in the lives of my girls! At MOVE we had the best small group times ever, the girls really opened up and I learned a lot about them and from them, I love how God can use 12 year girls to teach me a lesson. My attitude towards serving in Oasis has totally changed too, it use to be such a headache and annoyance to try to sit down and have small group time [because settling 12 rowdy 6th graders down can be quit challenging], but as time has passed the girls have clearly gotten more mature and we're now able to make more use of the small amount of time we have every Wednesday night now! It's crazy to see where God has taken me up till this point in my life....it's been a crazy ride and I can't wait to see where HE takes me next!

{OTHER NEWS}
My photography business is going full force now and picking up momentum. Thanks to my sister and our good friend who unknowing to me set up my very own Facebook fan page! [facebook.com/cfillmorephoto] As of right now, I am still trying to finish an associates degree which sounds (& seems) super lame but it's something right!? ha. After that, hopefully I can travel a bit & serve over seas....then pretty much go full time with my photography....then again, these are my plans, we'll see where God takes me next.

"for HE has done marvelous things" ::: psalm 98