quickie

I have so much on my mind tonight. God spoke right to me tonight about fear. It was such a God thing because Jim spoke about fear in beta this morning, and I shrugged it off as something I already knew and have heard too many times. and in 'big chruch' Pastor Doug spoke on having peace in God. Then at lighthouse Cliff talked about fear too ... I have some things I need to take care of. I will add more tomorrow at work or something when I have time, right now I am supposed to be doing my homework, but I got distracted (that happens a lot). One more thought, I love the song God Only Knows by Joy Williams ... "[I'm] in one of those seasons everything seems to go so wrong ... God only knows all [my] broken pieces & He's holding onto [me]"

*Rich Mullins & the sound of rain are putting me to sleep, when I know I have to do school work.

Don't we all want to be Belle?

I don't want to come across as cheesy or cliché. I hate to sound like the annoying girl that is obsessed with love and finding the right guy, only watches chick flicks and reads about being pursued and what not. If one thing is certain, it’s that I am not that girl, and yet I so hate to admit it … today I am. It could be due to the fact that I am currently reading the book Captivating (which makes ever girl feel and want to be more girlie) or that I just watched Beauty and the Beast, I don't know ... but this, this is something, very out of character for me - I am the one that doesn't ever get emotional about anything, hates drama, is not by any means into 'girly' things, has never had a boyfriend, hates shopping, and doesn't think boys need to fill/waste a girls life till both parties are ready to walk down the aisle. But sooner or later these non-girly characteristics will be over shadowed by the truth of the matter ... I am a girl, therefore I have the right (wow, that sounds like I am a feminist now ..) and am entitled to carry on "normal" girl dreams and behaviors. Okay, so that was the introduction or the setting of the stage to my slight dilemma or concern ... I Courtney Lyn Fillmore; need and must learn to accept and embrace life alone (for this season of life), so I can become in love with only Christ – finding fulfillment for life in Him.

I am reading Captivating as mentioned, this book is so insightful and has given me too much to chew on. It states things women may or may not want to hear - about how women often hide themsleves in the church and don't show who they really are. It offers that women shouldn't be turned off by the fact that they are a woman, because of the value God places on women. It drives home the fact that every woman is in need of want and belonging - without choosing to be too needy. It sheds light on the truth that every girl longs to be captivating, beautiful, seen, or noticed and how to become captivating to Christ, ultimatly making you captivating to the right guy. Its goal is to shape women in a way that they can fall in deep love and belonging with the Creator of only good things. This is where daughters of Eve can find their identity if they so choose, in the One that gave them the thoughts of longing to be loved, wanted, pursued, and valued.

Therefore, I can say that's what I feel, that's what I want and desire. Its getting there that's tough, being completely content with the Creator until I am fit for one He may (or may not) give me. Trying to be okay with doing life with God first, before adding someone else into the picture. To be loved and desired and pursued is something every girl (whether she admits it or not)... and if there is One that is already pursuing her, why does she long for an earthly pursuit? God is enough and will be enough to keep me content until He adds a guy my life. I just want to be head over heals for the One that created me, all the while the Enemy is so trying to pull me down. With his lies that he puts into my head, things I know aren't right, aren't true like - "God isn't enough, so fill your time with other things, God can't satisfy you, so don't even bother getting to know Him", or things like; "you're not good enough to be pursued". The Enemy attacks every girl with these thoughts I know, but because I have been in this 'girly' mind-set, I feel that, these thoughts are exactly what he is attacking me with ... how annoying right?

I just want to be consumed by God, so that the doubtful thoughts the Enemy feeds into me will subside. As I was watching Beauty and the Beast, I couldn’t help but notice the fact that the Beast fought for Belle. He offered to protect her first from wolves and then later from Guston - the slimy 'villain'. Just as the Beast fought and sought out Belle, God does the same for me and every other girl that longs to be loved and wanted. God wants me. God loves me. God fought for me, and continues to fight for me. So my hearts cry is that I will learn to vulnerable with God in way that I can allow Him to fill me up in a way that everything I do and say will be for His glory. God allow me to live happily ever after with You, casting all else aside. God allow me to be totally content with just You God, I pray that I would encounter You fullstop, in a way that people see only You in me.

1992

I love this picture. it reminds me of my childhood and how care free life used to be. "the older I get,the more I appreciate my childhood ... It was paradise. "

perspective

I am so blessed.

blessed to be a child of God. blessed with a family that loves me and for the most part is solid (not perfect by any means). blessed to live where I live. blessed to worship my Creator freely. blessed to be fed and not hunger. blessed with solid friends. blessed to have clean water to drink. blessed to live in America. blessed to have a job. blessed with good health. blessed to be where I am right now in life. blessed to have not experienced a broken heart. blessed with new mercies and grace every time I wake. blessed to have a car that runs. blessed to have the education I have been given. blessed to have sight and sound. blessed to have a twin. blessed to have a mom that gives good advice and wants what's best for me. blessed to have hard working parents. blessed with opportunity. blessed with shoes to wear. blessed to have things I could live without. blessed to wake up this morning. blessed with what I have, though my selfish mind set says it's not enough. blessed to have a bed to sleep in. blessed to be able to serve. blessed to have breathe. blessed to be alive.

the list obviously goes on, and on, and on. these happened to be on the top of my head. so I was able to go over to Canada for a few days with two lovely girls for my spring break - more like almost spring break ... it's not quite spring. we stayed at Emily's grandmas house - free of charge and cleaner. she recently lost her husband unexpectedly, so it was so great to be able to spend time with her, getting her mind off things as she transitions from living life for so long with her best friend to suddenly living life without him there. I can imagine it's been hard for her, but I can rest in the fact that she finds rest and comfort in the ultimate giver of rest and peace. God calls us to look after the widows and orphans so why not do as God calls me and invest time and company into a widow who is suffering hurt I've never experienced. needless to say, it was truly a blessing to be able to spend time with my newly adopted grandma ... thanks for sharing Emily : ) as we were in Canada, we of course took time to go into Toronto to see the city. I love the city, any city, with tall buildings, busyness of business people, traffic, bad smells, store fronts, culture, stop lights, walking .... everything about cities I love. the only thing that makes me sick when I go into a city is the bad that come out of it. often times, cities are immune to drugs, prostitution, gangs, or violence. the most disturbing one is homelessness. I've seen my share of homeless people, you don't have to go far in any direction from my driveway to see that there is a need and a large sum of people without a place to call home or somewhere warm to rest their head. we walked to the Eaton Centre where people spend thousands of dollars on clothes that give them status and food that makes them fat. as we waited at a corner light, there was a homeless man literally laying on the cold, hard, uncomfortable cement, under some kind of tarp, and certainly no pillow - and he wasn't the only one we saw in our journey's. I've seen people beg for money in Detroit, and people laying on the streets of New York city in the hot heat of July, but honestly not that close to my feet, and not at such a cold time of the year. I was so taken back by this sight that it about made me sick. the fact that where I live and there in Toronto, people live 'normal' lives everyday with their coffee makers and alarm clocks going off, while people are laying on cold cement. and I know this isn't new to society, or new to me for that fact, but it just caught me off guard. it makes me want to serve those who are on the streets, I want them to find and see Hope, I want them to know that no matter what they've done or been through, they are still worth something to a Heavenly father. it also made me put my life into perspective. it opened my eyes to see what I have and not taking it for granted. God has given me too much and so often I selfishly feel it's not enough. when will we [myself included] stop being brats about what we don't have and stop to serve and think of those around us with nothing except lost hopes and dreams....

inspire inˈspīrverb [ trans. ]1 fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative : [ trans. ] his passion for romantic literature inspired him to begin writing [as adj. ] ( inspiring) so far, the scenery is not very inspiring. See note at encourage .• create (a feeling, esp. a positive one) in a person : their past record does not inspire confidence.• ( inspire someone with) animate someone with (such a feeling) :he inspired his students with a vision of freedom.• give rise to : the movie was successful enough to inspire a sequel.

the truth hurts.

[EDIT: this post may be a result of thee femimine cycle;
sometimes I get cranky & conscious of my insecurities.]
my life right now seems to be going through the motions.
it doesn't seem exciting or thrilling at all, dull is the word.
my life is staying steady, not moving.
it's like I re-live the same day over and over again.
the same is happening between me and God.
Satan is attacking my spirit.
I feel weak and weary, worn down.
I need to find rest in You.
I'm not moving forward, nor backwards.
just staying at the same boring speed.
it's kind of like a 'stand-still' or a game of freeze tag.
and here I am waiting to be tagged.

God let me come alive in You. Allow me to find fullness of life in You again. I thought after last weekend things would be different, as they stay the same. Free me of worry and fear. Breathe Your living breath of life back into me. You never leave me or forsake me, even when I feel this way, let me see Your face. Give me a lively, vibrant, exciting walk with You again. If You are for me, who can be against me? Do a good work in me. I'm coming back to You, You loved me first, now let my soul long for You!

Find rest my soul
Confess your grieving
Surrender all
Embrace your healing
I will cast my cares
For You have always cared
You are greater, greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my hope is in,
You are brighter, breaking thru the night
Lighting up my sightI have seen my rest is in You

We're going to Miami ...

It's official. Lindsay and I are going to Miami, FL at the end of August. For Hillsong United's Encoutrer Conference! ... amazing worship, amazing time.

slacking a bit.

Back in the day, I used to be really good about updating ... now with the new semester and work I feel like I never have time for this or anything important to say. School is busy as usual, more work actually this semester I feel. Oh well, so this summer I may be able to part-time nanny and still be able to work at the library..which would be sweet. My twin and me FINALLY got a new car ... with our own money and everything :) we are so stoked about it, it has been two months almost since we've been without a car of our own .. which is hard to working out schedules and getting around. So we feel really blessed to finally have one, making life a little easier. This past week I spent a lot of time with girlfriends, which is so refreshing and delightful.. or just another reminder that I don't need a guy in my life right now anyway. I love sharing what's on my heart, then in turn really do love listening to what is on their hearts. I just love talking till you can no longer say anything or are asked to leave because it's to late, thankfully that only happened three times this week...once at Applebee’s, Panera, and then Barnes & Nobles. That's when you have to resort to the car. Truthfully, not as comfortable and sometimes wastes gas just so you can stay warm, but I have to say it was totally worth it in the end. What can I say; I love 'heart to hearts'. Well anyway, I so wish I had something deep and profound to say but I don't. I will say this though, God is so good - which we so easily forget and I feel we easily underestimate His excellence. He moves within us and around daily we just have to seek Him and He offers us new mercies everyday, even when we so don't deserve it!
- God You are so good to me.

I forgot how much I love this

passage, so I thought I would share...

"... I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:5-9

short & sweet

in a world that is so enthralled with looks, appearances, money, or keeping up with the Jones’s - which is so prevalent in the area I live, with the name brands covering each kid that walks into where I work, it’s sad that people think that money and status will satisfy... it's good to know that some people still want to make a difference in the world around them, not worrying about what people think. so this weekend was cold as I'll get, which I still dislike greatly, but I learn to deal .. I'm just happy to have a warm place to rest my head at night. so anyway, last night I got be part of something bigger than myself, which is always a good feeling. wsm [Woodside student ministry] hosted a volley ball tourney, where each team had to raise a certain about of money just to play and on top of that, prizes were given to those who raised the most money. the money is going directly to a orphanage that our church has in Thailand, where children are rescued from a life of sex trade and agony. as of today there are twenty-five children there, and hopefully twenty-five more this year. all together the high school students alone raised $7,000, not including concessions and other donations through the night. God was truly shown, seeing that we were only expecting maybe 2,500. it's just cool to see students spend their Saturday night (really snowy & bad roads at that) having fun playing volleyball, unifying as the body of Christ, and helping the children of Thailand. Besides helping those across the earth, my sister helped out at the homeless bbq downtown yesterday.. which I for one would really love to do, if I ever get a Saturday off! So yeah, anyway I love seeing/hearing about people doing things like that, it makes me smile. In other news, I started reading the Bible starting in Genesis & Matthew – at the same time. It’s the coolest thing ever, if you can get yourself through the genealogies, the Bible honestly is so intriguing and has totally captivated me, a lot more than I thought. Other worthy for mentioning news, me and Lindsay are going to Miami in April … I know I can’t believe it either. We both love & need adventure in our lives, so why not take the plunge. Finally, God is truly invading, captivating, and mending my heart. I love to see God moving and at work.

marriage & second chances

the phrase second chances has gained a whole new meaning tonight.

as we ring in another new year, we always seem to ring in a slew of second chances along with a fresh start, a clean slate. not as if new years is the only time we get another chance, life is made/filled with second chances. God has chosen to give me [us] second chances (His never ending love, mercy & grace) .. to say second would be bogus in actuality, it's honestly more like, a trillionth chance - you get the gist. so tonight Cliff opened by asking how our two thousand & eight was light heartedly; going over his top tens of the year. .. then nailed us with "how was your marriage [in two thousand & eight]?". when he first said this I know I wasn't the only one (or maybe I was, it takesme a second or so to process things .. ha) that thought it was a weird thing to ask, seeing that maybe 10 percent - if that, of the people at lighthouse on a regular basis are married ... so I for one didn't really find this relevant at first. then he went on explaining how basicaly as a follower of the Creator we are in a sense 'married' to Christ. we are the Bible says, His bride after all, “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride [the Church] has made herself ready.” Revelation 19:7.

I mean, I hear this analogy all the time, but I never grasped it the way I did tonight. as Cliff spoke of how we are in this intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe, he referred to his and Anges relationship, or any married couples relationship. he went into the example of our sin basically being lust towards another or having an affair while we are married and how we can find freedom in a pure and holy marriage. yet knowing that, we often times continue down our dangerous path of sin with the mentality of "He will always forgive me, no matter what we do". when you think of our sin as committing adultery ... it takes a whole different meaning, or to me it does. I mean I am not married .. yet, but I cannot imagine the hurt, the angst, the utter disappointment and the feeling of inadequacy that I as a wife or a man as a husband would feel if the one closest to them, the one they has once found satisfaction in was to cheat on them. to me, that would be so horrible and think to myself, well I would never let that happen if I were married ... yet it’s as if I am [all of us] committing adultery against my [our] heavenly Husband on a daily, continual basis and the worst part is that we don’t even realize it when we are lukewarm on the fence Christians. we go on in our dirty ways of sin and don’t even think of who we are cheating on -- the Creator of the universe. we are telling our spouse; "You are no longer good enough for me, You no longer satisfy my needs, I can live without you, after all You are the one that married me and I know You still love me, You will always forgive me". okay, this is such a dangerous way of life. it’s obvious that a marriage will not and cannot last when one of the spouses is constantly cheating ... marriages build on knowing the other so deeply that you cannot live without the other. in marriage, you get to know the other by effective communication, going through life with them. as Christians - brides of Christ, we are called to live our married life getting to know our Husband, through communication or prayer and go through life with Him, gaining knowledge of how He works by staying close to the Word. in Psalms 37 we find how we are called to live and go on committed to our Husband or our LORD & Savior Jesus Christ ...

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God just completely opened my eyes, and my heart tonight, that I am in dyer need of renewing my vows - not just verbally, I have to take action as well; constantly getting to know my Husband on a much much more intimate level through His word and by talking to Him ... how many married couples do you know that don’t talk, not many and if they don’t talk it’s not a good sign of a thriving marriage. also, by forsaking all others that would cause me to cheat on Him. what perfect timing, a new year, a fresh start to a renewed marriage. I thought of it like this, it’s like I met my Husband in 1995 [when I accepted Christ], we casually dated through elementary school and middle school - just figuring each other out. in high school our relationship sort of picked up, we got a tad more serious, we got married [I rededicated my life to Christ before high school], but we weren’t moving to fast. I thought I knew my Husband, but really He knew me better, He knew my weaknesses, He knew we would hit rough patches, so He waited for me. He waited there when I painfully cheated on Him, and time after time, He took me back as I begged for His forgiveness and wanted back into the marriage. then it took me till I was in college to see how I had hurt my Husband and realized how our marriage should be from now on. God has really been moving in my life for the past couple of weeks, and I am finally seeing my flaws, my mistakes, the times I’ve cheated. two thousand & nine Lord willing, marks my year of renewal, recharging, genesis', second chances at a marriage that means way to much to see it crumble. because no one is perfect, my marriage, just as everyone elses will have its moments, there will be times when I [and everyone else] will be tempted to lust or to cheat on my spouse, but my [our] Spouse thankfully doesn’t believe in divorce and paid way to big of a debt [His death on a cross] to see our marriage fall apart. therefore He, our Spouse always welcomes us, His bride back for a second chance and two thousand & nine is my second chance to strive for a well rounded and thriving marriage.

one more thing, Cliff mentioned opening to a part of scripture [Psalm 37] and when I went to flip to it, it was already marked. the card that was "book marking" it was an index card we were given around thanksgiving time during Sunday school and were asked to write what we were most thankful for in terms of our relationship with God, mine said “I am thankful for Gods mercy and grace. and for the second chances He offers”. it was for sure a God thing ... my God is not a god of luck or chance, He proves Himself right in front of us if we look for Him. my God is at work in my heart.

Matt Redman - King of Wonders

We could try to count the stars,
You already know them each by name.
Every single galaxy was your design,
Your majesty displayed.

Your glory shines before our eyes,
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed,
There’s no other, other than you.
King of wonders, you know the way to our hearts and
The more we see the more we love you.

You reveal and we respond,
You have shown there’s no one like you God
Your love and mercy welcomes us
Into the beauty of this Holiness.

Your glory shines before our eyes,
The more we see, the more we love You
The more we see the more we love You, God.

* compassionart//free song

chew on this ...

*read this passage, we talked about it today in beta [Sunday school] ... God is so amazing and He longs to see us overcome, despite what the enemy spews at us on a daily basis. He truly works and orchestrates situations so perfectly it's mind boggling.

Revelation 12
The Woman and the Dragon

1A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. 5She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

7And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

10Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
"Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11They overcame him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.
12Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short."

13When the dragon saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. 14The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the desert, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent's reach.15Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. 16But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. 17Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring—those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

KAIROS CHRISTMAS:

[hint] kairos is the fancy name for Lighthouse Collective small groups where people; make connections, learn, make new friends, build community, grow, trust, or share meals and life together. And for our Christmas party, we were treated to Miyakoa - a Japanese steak house for a very filling dinner, photo op in a giant snow globe and dessert at the Melting Pot ... it was so fun :)

blessing in disguise:

“God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm…
In His own time, in His own way”
-William Cowper

Yesterday a dear friend of mine visited me at work or maybe just so she could study, either way – she indirectly reminded me of how our heavenly Father works. So, this past summer was going good, warm, sunny, and pretty – the only good thing Michigan brings for three months. I graduated from HS, had seen family I hadn’t seen a while, hung out with friends all the time, was looking forward to the rest of the summer and what was in store, life was moving fast as I quickly went from a care free high schooler to a more “mature” college student with more responsibilities. I was working a tad above minimum wage at the time, at a job that at the time I really actually loved – despite the pay, the customers, and the management staff … okay I only liked the social aspect. The people that worked there were all young (my age – mid twenties) and really funny and made time go by quickly. I knew in May that I would be going away (various trips & other responsibilities) for three week near the end of July into August. I requested this time off knowing it was a long time and that I would make up for it once I returned. My boss was totally cool with it and off I went. Little did I know July would be the last time I was punched in at work … So there I went, honest to goodness serving my Creator at a camp for disabled/abused kids – which was a truly amazing experience, once home after about ten days, I loaded on to yet another bus about three days later and headed up North to counsel at my churches summer camp – which again was a huge blessing and growing experience. After that I was finally home, but not going back to work just yet – my family, about 41 %: my mom, dad, and twin sister went down South for a missions trip with our church. That left my two little brothers, my older sister and myself with the house to ourselves for an entire week. My twin had been withholding a decent paying nannying job that summer, and I volunteered my services as she was away. Alright so the three weeks were finally up and I was at my church on a Sunday afternoon before Lighthouse, when it dawned on me to call my work and see when I was scheduled for the following week… that’s when it happened and when I heard th e words I honestly NEVER thought I would hear on the other end “you’re not on the schedule.” – those words translate to your fired, adios amigos, go find another job, or your time here is through. The first thing that came to my mind were, oh they are just pulling my leg (seeing that the guy who I was talking to, a fellow employee and someone who was known for being very sarcastic and never took life seriously), so still in shock I actually asked for the other guy who was also working, for a reassurance my time was through or to second his remarks. He wasn’t lying or joking he was telling the hurtful truth. I was sad – this was a job that I enjoyed on most days and had really grew to love the people I worked with, so it was like I was being cut off from a group of friends in a way. Not only that I had been working there for almost a year which for an after school job is pretty impressive. The next thing that came to mind was settling with the fact that I had to get a new job – and if you know me at all you know I hate change, change in the weather, change in friendships or change in every area of life. I also dreaded the idea of having to go in for interviews or knowing that the job market was super sketchy at the time. So many things went through my mind: Why me? Why know? God, You know I am starting school in a couple of weeks and know I NEED a job? You know I liked the people I worked with. You know it was convenient to get to and had flexible scheduling options. You know I hate change!?

So August met me with the craziness of registering for classes, getting ready to start a new chapter of life – entitled College, and looking so desperately for a new job or source of income. I applied and looked into a lot of different coffee shops, book stores, restaurants, because the only two jobs I had ever held were in the food biz. I also applied to be an intern at for my churches youth ministry, something I really wanted and had a passion for and had really been praying for – but God closed all those doors and opened another door instead. One day my mom, being as wise and helpful as she is, suggested applying at our local Library. Okay in all honesty I laughed at the thought of even applying to such establishment. First because I’m not a reader – I can read, I choose not to read for enjoyment, unless I know it's really good … plus the only time I read tends to be forced upon, because my education requires such exercise. Another issue being my older sister was once fired from a library, - so we have a past and the only thing I think of when I think of libraries are; mean, old, unreasonable librarians. Therefore the idea of applying to work at one sounded preposterous! But because I know my mom really does always knows best, I applied anyway and a week later to my delight I was called in for an interview. I put nice clothes and makeup on and went in for my interview. I get super nervous on things such as interviews and of course this one wasn’t any different. My now boss was asking what I knew about computers and I was thinking in the back of my mind – uhh not enough to be helping someone … little did I know the job description involved working in the computer center. To my delight, God closed a door just to so graciously open another one instead. I started officially in September and I love it…the library that is. The job is a lot more professional than any other jobs I’ve had in the past and it looks better on a resumé. Not to mention I am getting paid three bucks more than I was at my last job – which does add up. I get homework done and get paid for it … yeah it’s sweet.

° ° ° ° °

*All that to say, God really does bless us when we least expect it. This may be a silly or not so serious situation, and I know I've had bigger problems than having to find a new job, but any situation we face causes us to stop and wait on God . It may take time, patience’s, courage, or maybe pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes – but He does not and will not fail us. When we seek Him, He is the one that approaches us with His never ending love and mercy. God can bless us in the smallest, biggest or even strangest ways but we can’t be blessed unless we diligently seek His face, through prayer, staying in His word, growing with other believers, or telling the world of this amazing Love! Blessings are in disguise because, God may take away or close doors just to open another door for reasons we can't understand & things may seem really bad or hard at the time ... but in the end, we find what a blessing that situation really was. As Christians, it is up to us to have faith and trust in God, as He can truly do the impossible, things unimaginable .. and in Gods perfect timing He will bless us. Oh God lets us press on --- that we may find Your favor through trials or pain, so that we may find Your blessings in disguise.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” - James 1:12

procrastination, is my middle name

why am I such a procrastinator!?

I leave things till the last minute way to much .. that needs to change if I want to go anywhere in my life. I lack motivation, this is definitely a flaw of mine and something I need to work on as soon as possible....because everything I do must glorify my Creator, the One that gives me the ability to do things in the first place, God help me stop procrastinating so much and let me move into action.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,

as working for the Lord, not for men,

since you know that you will receive an inheritance

from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving"

Colossians 3:23-24

my future decided?

“my dreams are set in stone and 

someday I’ll be who I want to be, for now I’ll wait"

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future.....future defined as: college major (yet, I am already in college?!), where to transfer after next year, moving out, having to buy a ‘new-to-me’ car ... eek, what kind of job will I have one day, what to do this summer -- making money or counseling at lake ann camp, still wanting to get married/wanting a family to take care of one day, longing to go to over seas, wanting to live somewhere warm or at least before I die, perhaps re-applying to Moody Chicago or not ...

decisions, decisions, decisions ... pondering, 'where do I see myself five years from now?' It’s hard to picture what the next five years could hold, because today I don’t even know what tomorrow will hold. I have so many dreams and expectations for my future but I can’t even come up with a major to focus on for the next four years ... I can’t say I am a planner in my personal life, however I have to know everything that is going to happen next. I like to know what is next on the list of to-do’s for the day. I read the last chapter of books & google movie plots before I go see it -- I just like to know what to expect. Only God knows where I will be in five years and it’s up to me to wholly surrender to His plan, it is comforting to know that His plans for my life are bigger and better than the dreams I have.
I can’t settle on expectations or things I want to happen, I need to loosen up the reins and let God steer my life...and stop worrying about where tomorrow will lead, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” (Matt. 6:34) ... this concept is so hard for me, it's like living for God is life with out an agenda - because He takes you on a lot of unexpected twists and turns. I don’t like to think of myself as a “worried” person... I prefer the word concerned or aware of what will happen next ... but instead I want to exist to live for today and find excitement in not knowing what’s next.

things I am certain of; I am SO thankful for the new mercies that wash over me every morning, I really do have an amazing family who excepts my human flaws, I am blessed beyond words -- even when I don’t realize it during the valleys of life, and I have a Creator that allows me to sit back and watch while He paints a perfect masterpiece. >>>> so why am I so worried/nervous/anxious about the future?!

God please use me today, as You define my tomorrow.

snow + tunes

I am at school right now, looking out this huge window in complete despair, due to what I am seeing .. for someone who already has a terrible case of the Mondays, this (being snow) is not helping! in my book, snow should only come around for a couple days before Christmas and be gone no later than January 5th .. it's scary to drive in, it eventually turns brown & ugly and makes the bottom of your favorite jeans all salty .. actually, in my book, a lot of things would be different - okay that's enough complaining for the day ... On the brighter side of things, I can't stop listening to Brooke Fraser's Albertine. Each song on the album is good .. an album that you can listen to in its entirety is a good album .. so yeah, there's my plug it's only like 8 bucks on itunes, so check it out.

we must keep running

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Hebrews 12:1-3

Gods Love Letter.

I LOVE THIS..such a good reminder

"Everyone longs to give themselves to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian - no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly with me. With having an intense, personal and loving relationship with me alone, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found. Then you will never be united with another until you are united with me exclusively of anyone or anything else. Exclusively of any other desires or longings. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to give it to you. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best so just keep watching me, expecting the greatest thing and listen and learn the things I tell you. You just wait . . . that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want, just keep looking to me or you'll miss what I want to show you and then, then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you can dream of! You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready -- I am working at this very moment to have the both of you ready at the same time -- until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life that I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. And this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. Kno that I love you, I am God. Know it and be satisfied!"

(Author Unknown)

CRAZIENESS

life is so crazy right now. I don't even know where to begin. school is coming to a close (for the semester) equaling more stress to make the grades and get the papers done. my youngest brother was in the hospital for about a week, and is still home from school causing much stress on not only him - both of my parents. he broke his toe a couple of weeks ago, and since doctors can't really do anything to broken toes, it wasn't examined the way it should have ... in the mean while, an infection developed in his big toe bone - which is kind of serious. so he went through surgery in hope to rid him of the infection and he ended up staying over night in the hospital for about six days ... crazy! he is doing better today but is still immobile, using a walker and wheelchair .. poor guy - he even had to do the whole trick-or-treat thing in the hospital. anyway so that situation has been crazy, but God has remained faithful and really had His hand in the situation. then of course fall saw his way out the door this weekend. no more pretty leaves on the trees or sweat shirt weather..it got frosted over by SNOW! thankfully it wasn't enough to call school off or anything, but the fact that it totally overlapped fall made me sad! fall still had a couple more weeks... on top of that a local station is already on 100% Christmas music till the 25th! and then me and my mom were at the mall the other night and it was like it was Christmas eve or something when everyone is panicking and scurrying around to make their final purchases - it was soo crowded and busy! so anyway, another crazy thing is that due to the weather my car has been acting sketchy .. and so pray we make it through the winter! on top of already acting funny, my dad accidentally turned on the 4x4 drive the other day ... 4x4 on relatively dry pavement is not a good or fun situation! and you're probably thinking - oh just turn it off, easier said than done...my car is not in shape enough to simply press the 'off button'...life gets crazy sometimes

okay in other crazy happenings, on Sunday, Cliff spoke out of the end of Act 4, into chapter 5 ... it was very compelling. in an nut shell, we are all carrying our daily burdens and struggles, but we often put them under the rug when Sunday rolls around, as we mock God by lifting our hands and closing our eyes in worship of the Creator of the UNIVERSE, the One who died a sinners death, the One who loves us more than we can imagine and the One who we discard on a daily basis - because we don't feel as if our needs will be fully met when we rely on Him alone, when in all realness and trueness, every need we have or long for is FULLY and utterly met when we solely rely on the Creator and we are given chance after, chance, after chance ... we live one way on Sundays and are to prideful to give up and fully leave our sin, causing us to live a completely opposite way during the rest of the week ... we are all guilty of being hypocrites or liers who cover things up, at one time or another, just as Ananias and Sapphira; as they lied not only to Peter, but to God, ultimatly resulting in their death .. yet God keeps giving us His grace and mercy. when will we stop our old ways and see that we might not have another chance to make things right. I am competely guilty of modeling this frightening routine. God truly opened my eyes on Sunday after hearing this and as we closed with The Stand, the lyrics in that song are so powerful and really made me think... am I completely relying on God with every area of my life, giving Him my burdens and leaving my old ways and wholly surrendering!? we must get off the fence and completely surrender to Him alone!

I pray God, You would show me all of my flaws and reveal to me the thing my pride hides from me, that I might not continue to feel the guilt of living one way during the week and "acting" another way at church as I "worship" the Creator in true mockery fashion. God, allow me to become and remain authentic in every aspect of my life, that I wouldn't have to hide shame and filth! I love You, continue to work through me and use me as You please ...

wonderful weekend get-a-way

watershed retreat 2008//re:life

this past weekend about 40 girls went to a beautiful golf resort in west michigan, for time away from the world and encountered God in ways they could have only dreamed of. they learned how to truly love God, life, others, and who God created us to be. many tears were shed and laughs were shared ... it was relaxing, refreshing, renewing, all at the same time.

CONTENT

everyone is asleep and the house is quiet as I am sitting very comfortably on our over stuffed cozy couch, wrapped in my fleece ikea blanket, itunes is on quietly keeping me company as I type; all I hear is band of horses detlef schrempf playing softly, accented with the smooth humming of the heat kicking on....ahh fall has officially fallen, in the midst of me wrestling with the fact of the air remaining crisp until at least mid april .... honestly, why is this state so cold! right now life is going by fast and it seems like I never have time to get things done, therefore sitting here in the quiet is very refreshing, and relaxing - I can finally take a breath. fall is one of my favorite seasons, one reason being that, it offers such lovely indulgences such as; cinnamon donuts, hot cider, hot chocolate, carmel apples, apple crisp, homemade apple or pumpkin pie! I could go on....and then there are the activities; hay rides, pumpkin carving, apple picking, going to the cider mill, admiring beautiful leaf color change, raking leaves & jumping in them. it makes me happy & I am really content at the moment, but in the back of my mind are hidden all of the tasks and lists of things that will bombard me tomorrow ... I am going up north this weekend for the first ever watershedretreat - I am very excited, but just have a lot to do before then; work, laundry, pack, study, pass a history test, finish shooting for our kairos video (which I am excited to see!!) ... it will all get done, it alway does - but the getting there is always an adventure ... God works in funny ways, ways we don't think are possible, but when we sit back and wait, there ends up being a very good possibility of something great happening ... just a thought - I'd stay tuned. one more thing before my head meets the pillow ...

dream job*

ok so I am at work right now. what is work? - sitting at the 'help desk' in the computer center at my local public library. I am sitting at a marble half circle desk, monitoring six rounded tables with six computers each, all I hear is people typing and sound of busy traffic outside - as people take their lunch break, the air is really dry and I can't help sneezing, the sun is shining down through this huge (and I mean huge) sky light window that covers more than half of the room, I've been here since nine-thirty when the library opened, I have taken a few phone calls and only answered about three questions; "How do I make a copy using the copy machine?" , "How would I find the 'League of Woman’s Voters' website?", and "Do you know what major city is off of I- 75, and its not Mackinaw or Traverse City (using his 'Michigan' hand as a reference of course)?" ... answer being Gaylord Michigan - props to Google maps and fast internet. So this is my job ... seriously I am getting paid right now, sometimes I feel guilty because I am almost doing nothing! Normally I get all of my homework done while on the job (my boss said it was okay), so today I attempted to start writing a paper I have to write for my history class, but I forgot my book at home ... so now I am stuck here for one more hour with no homework to do … I kind of like this quiet, quiet is good to an extent; I have a big family so I am used to noise, which I like. Anyway, I am done rambling...

I hope everyone has a glorious day!

crazy forty-eight hours.

yesterday in beta (a.k.a. Sunday school) we discussed separating art from the artist or how to find God in every area of life, your job, friends, movies, music, or books. we had some really good discussion about different areas you could find God in, it was interesting ... we also discussed whether you could find God in something that the artist had in a way had tainted. the best example we came up with was the song Healer, that was released on Hillsongs most recant album This Is Our God. The song writer, who thank God wasn't directly connected with Hillsong, had written the song while struggling with his fight with cancer and other medical conditions ... the only thing was, he didn't really have cancer - he was a fraud. he has deceived so many into thinking he was sick and raised support and touched many lives with his story and song, only to find out he was faking. it seems hurtful in a way to think about how someone could do that right..? despite the situation, how can anyone ever sing that song (Healer) ever again and not automatically think of the deceit behind it ... that's where separating art from the artist came in, it was really good discussion. and I've mentioned this one before, but the other idea was finding God in things that weren't meant to be about God. That's how it is for me when I listen to Possess Your Heart, and how if you think of the song as God talking to you - it becomes a worship song almost. It's cool how God works in the big and small areas of life. That brings me to Sunday afternoon, me and Lindsay drove up and over to Grand Rapids to see Matt Wertz & Andy Davis - and it was amazing, definitely worth the two hour trip..the show was amazing and then we got to chat with them after words, it was wonderful! Then today was a normal crazy Monday, in the midst of the chaos - me and Lindsay (for the first time, might I add) locked our keys in the car. thank God our sister was home - cause we were only about a mile from her house. so I called her up and explained the situation quickly cause my phone was really low battery and Lindsays phone has been on the rocks haa, so anyway of course the phone powered down and it would not turn back on, so we are panicking and wondering what to do!? not eve five minutes later we see Brittany drive up and we couldn't believe it cause we weren't sure if she was even home!! so the three of us our in the parking lot of jimmy johns with a wire hanger & a wooden cane Brittany had found at her house (weird I know, but really funny) trying to unlock the car through the 90% rolled down back window...it was probably the funniest scenario I've ever been apart of - cause none of us knew what we were doing and we were all laughing ... cause we could see the keys sitting in the consul. anyway this nice man that was parked next to us offered his assistants so we have a perfect stranger trying to break into our car! haa..we were totally causing a scene cause all these people kept coming up and trying to help or give tips, then my sisters friend Brynn randomly (not knowing we had been there) pulls up and is wondering what we are doing. after we explain we are all laughing and trying to encourage this nice guy that is helping us.. then this other guy pulls up and gets out wearing a "Cornerstone University Dad" asking how he could help and what had happened. - so that kind of rang a bell hmmm, maybe this guy is a Christian.. anyway, long story short - we all (the guys nice guys helping, britt, linds, brynn & me) began to talk about Campus Crusade and then we all figured out that we were all Christians and how funny it was that God had orchestrated life to happen this way. that we would all be encouraged through the frustrating task of getting you keys locked in the car...it was encouraging in a weird way and yes the nice guy (I don't remember his name) got the keys out and we all parted ways...just an example of how God really does show up in every area of life - even if it's just getting your keys locked in the car...

Quickie update..school is going well, my job is excellent, God is good, and fall has officially fallen. I am currently sitting in Caribou [which is so cozy and warm compared to the rainy cold night that's waiting for me to walk out to my car] taking part in their delightful free internet access...ours was going a tad slow for my liking..*I love things in life that are free; samples, library books, or hugs..this week has gone by really fast - so I am pretty happy about that, but it’s been a weird week. on Sunday a girl that I actually didn’t personally know, but a lot of my friends from camp and lighthouse knew (therefore affected by the situation); died in a car accident. It really puts life into perspective, be praying for her family and friends - but we can all rest in the fact that we will see her again. we get so caught up in our busy lifestyles and forget how short life is, remember to really drink it in deep the time God has given you today, because we aren’t promised tomorrow.. so anyway, then it got super cold and rainy here like overnight to my dismay..but this weekend me and my twin are driving up north to see thee Matt Wertz live..I am pretty stoked!!

*I miss this entrance